Down your knickers

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There are a large number of things that you can stuff or pour down your underpants. There are arguably more things which you cannot, either because they are too big (Baobob Trees), illegal (LSD), immoral (Tao Te Ching), or unsafe (Shavers). These things are outside the scope of this entry. A popular twin pastime is shoving things down your bra, but this is a traditionally female-only sport, in which this Researcher is not allowed to participate. The below advice may help you when you are bored, or may be a profitable source of dares in a game of "truth or dare".


Method: This is easy to achieve - buy a bottle of diet coke, fill it up with water from the tap, and empty it down your pants. Repeat as necessary. Don't think that this excuses you from having a shower, though.

Cost: 75p, and you get to drink the diet coke.

Sensation: is surprisingly unsurprising, being not unlike getting caught in a heavy, highly localized, rainstorm.

Reaction: For maximum visual effect, wear cotton trousers, rather than jeans - cotton soaks up the water better, whereas jeans will let most of the water through to the carpet. If you subsequently go out like this, people will look at you quizzically, and shake their heads, possibly sniggering to themselves. They will also keep their distance, so this is perhaps useful in the January Sales, or on the Tube.

More pants

Method: Try and put on as many pairs of underwear as possible. Starting off with a thong or g-string is mandatory to set a world record, though novices may wish to skip this step. Then move on to undersized underwear, such as that pair you've had since you were 14, and haven't got round to throwing out. This has the bonus effect of helping to contain any flab. normal briefs should go next, and this is where the numbers start to get serious, before finishing with (no more than) one pair of boxers.

Cost: typically zero, unless you have inexplicably burnt all your underwear.

Sensation: you feel much like the Michelin Man, or possibly a rather thin sumo wrestler. The extra material does change your walking style to something more waddly.

Reaction: Going out like this is not a big problem, as it is largely undetectable under normal clothing, but in extreme cases people may wonder if you are from the Ministry of Silly Walks. Under lycra, or suchlike, the effects are unknown - the reader may like to experiment for themselves.

Toilet Paper

Method: This miracle of foreplanning will ensure that you are never "caught short" in public lavatories. There are two possible techniques. The first is to wind a roll of toilet paper round and round your body, as you might wrap a mummy in bandages, or last night's dinner in clingfilm. Then pull your pants UP over the toilet paper wrapping. This is cheating, though, so I shall not comment further on it. The second technique is to stuff single pieces of toiletpaper down your pants one-by-one.

In this second method, each piece of paper is individual rolled, and placed down your underwear. Try to achieve a good spread of paper balls around your underwear, and place as many as you feel comfortable with. Wear a pair of tight jeans over the top to help compress the balls and keep them in place. Otherwise you may find that the paper drops down your trouser legs and causes you embarrasment.

Cost: Because of the natural fluffing when the balls are rolled, you will find that you need very little toilet paper. Over the course of the day, though, as that fluff is removed, you may need to top your underpants up somewhat. Figure one roll for an entire day.

Sensation: no matter how hard you try to keep things even, the feeling can best be described as blunt acupuncture. Uncomfortable, making sitting, walking, aerobics - everything in fact, highly uncomfortable. This is a great thing to suggest someone else do when they are drunk, or have offered to do a dare for you.

Reaction: Other than an occasional scrunching sound, people will probably not even notice, which means they will probably just be puzzled why you seem to be finding it so hard to get comfortable...

Variation: Combining this with the 'Water' entry, simply slightly wet each piece of paper before use. Note that this increases the weight of the balls considerably, so you may wish to use a second pair of underwear for better support. This also increases the time before the water seeps through, too - giving a time bomb effect (can you get to Sainsburies and back before it becomes obvious..?).

My Two Cents

Method: simply collect two and one pence coins (cents for american viewers), and drop them down your underwear. This will normally lead to your underwear sagging a little, but this can be avoided. (If you want to have this effect, something such as a bottle of beer, or some other heavy item, will do much better). The best way of avoiding this effect is to use lots of pairs of underwear simultaneously, and three or four will give you the neccessary support you need for the extra weight.

Cost: depends on how much hard cash you stuff down your pants.

Sensation: the coins are initially very cold, which is highly odd. They soon warm up, though, and at that point feel almost normal, though as you move you will occasionally recirculate cold coins next to your body. Certainly, you can do jumping jacks with them without involuntary monetary loss. If you alternately leave the coins out in the sun before use, they will feel very warm, and the effect will be initially reversed...

Reaction: people will generally be surprised at your jingling at every movement, but will probably attribute it to a bulging wallet. You'll be allright, and will have that smug feeling that comes from knowing that the contents of your pants are worth their weight in gold.

Plastic Bags

Method: This one is obvious - obtain plastic bags from your local supermarket. Either roll them into balls, or cut into strips, or possibly fold them, then proceed to stuff them down your knickers. A wide variety of plastic bags is recommended to gain a variety of feelings.

Cost: A pound will get you about a hundred plastic bags, and shop-aholics will be chalking up plenty of them for free. No worries there then.

Sensation: Highly prickly. In addition, because plastic bags are non-permeable to water, any level of sweat causes an effect similar to that you get in very expensive water gardens, or, for the scientificly minded, a condensor system. Pleasant thoughts about your personal sex symbols is NOT a good idea.

Reaction: The bags are pretty bulky, especially if the "ball" method is used, as they naturally attempt to uncurl. This means that any sufficient quantity becomes rapidly visible through even baggy clothes. In addition the scrunching sound can occasionally be audible, though this appears to be rare. It would be a lot more rare, if the prickliness did not cause "ants in pants" behaviour by the wearer.

Washing Up Liquid

Method: "My suggestion would be to soak underwear to the saturation point in dishwashing fluid and
then pour a little more inside for good measure once you've got them on. Wear light pants or
shorts and then go outside in a heavy rainstorm. It would be best to use one of the new
super-concentrated formulas to get the most bang for your buck. I would further suggest one of
the formulas that claims to give you smoother hands so that some good might come out of
this after the fact." - Margravine Palavar

More Method: Remember that many foamy liquids are highly toxic, so be sensible in what you chose. "Sensitive Skin" Washing up liquid is probably safe, or failing that try shampoo, shower gel, or liquid soap. Ask your manufacturer for details... :-) If you don't have a super-concentrated formula, then you probably need to place cotton wool, soaked in the liquid, down your knickers to increase the amount, and hence the yield. If the rain is not heavy enough, then you could use a lot of cotton wool, soaked in a liquid/water mix, and rely on your own movements to create bubbles, rather than the impact of the rain. This will speed things up, in any case, though it will reduce the maximum effect. For example, try doing this before going on a workout at the gym. Of course, waiting for some amount of rain will save you time and effort, though you are perhaps more likely to run around in your shorts in warm weather.

Cost:a couple of quid for the liquid, a few pennies more for the cotton wool (or just use more underwear). Nothing to worry about.

Sensation: Initially highly slimy, and generally unpleasant. Later on, as the water begins to take effect, the effect is like a miniature jacuzzi centered on your underwear, sort of. It's hard to describe, I can only suggest you try it - very pleasant, and decidedly odd. Be careful not to catch a cold by getting too wet, of course...

Reaction. Vigorous movements create streams of foam down your legs, which people tend to just stare at in amazement. The "wet patch" is normally hidden by the rain fairly quickly, as all your clothes go wet, so that isn't an issue. Also, anything you sit on gets a soapy residue, like some sort of slug-trail, which will cause them to be perplexed and ask you trick questions, should they observe you leave. Try "I have a weird genetic mutation which causes my skin to produce a soap-like liquid - it's really very embarasing". In the current politically correct society, they'll immediately apologise and leave you alone, while whispering nasty things to each other. Perfect!

Bubble Wrap

Bubble wrap sounds, at first glance, highly amusing, but in fact it suffers a major flaw. The problem is that most people's bottoms are too squishy to pop bubble wrap when the wrap is spread out throughout their knickers. This is a similar phenomenon to fakirs being able to sit on beds of nails. The effect is very similar to that obtained with plastic bags, but more even, with less bunching - altogether more comfortable and modern.

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