h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is the Banquet hall of Montu's Ha'tak, which also acts as a briefing room. Holding cells are accessed through doors leading off from alcoves in the walls. In the centre of the room is a long wooden table with a polished surface. Holoemitters are visible under the table. The table itself is laden with (real) food and cutlery of every conceivable kind, all made of the same lustrous silver-grey metal.

*A number of Jaffa file in, saluting the symbol of Montu, which is attached to the wall behind the throne at the end of the table. They then take up guard positions around the room*

*The colonel wonders whether she could get away with sitting in Montu's throne*

Nah, I won't give him the satisfaction

*Sit's at the furthest end of the table and starts to eat*

Thank you Montu

*Montu walks in and sits at the throne. He looks between the throne and Reefgirl, and smiles slyly*

WOuld you prefer I spoke to you as a human, or as a Goa'uld?

I'd like to speak to the human part if that's possible, they human part of you might go down better with the populatoin of earth

I have no real intention with dealing with the wider population of the Tau'ri just yet. You are speaking to the host, here. Heh.

My plan is to get a hold of your database. Once I see what makes your people tick, what makes them such efficient warriors, then I will be able to match your strength blow by blow, augmented by Goa'uld technology.

Too long have the Goa'uld been using archaic weapons and technologies. Do you know that I am the first System Lord in three thousand years to have scientists working on technological development? The system worked, and no-one thought to develop it. Staff weapons? Horrendously archaic. Ha'tak vessels? I'm tired of seeing the same interior layout. This is the last tour of duty for this dusty old wreck.

With Tau'ri technology, we can have a schematic on which to base our upgrades, a stand-point from which to get the idea of where to go from here. We're thousands of years behind, and we must make good the difference in a matter of years, or we will be crushed... To paraphrase one of your "dictators".

Let me ask the big question I know everyone else will want to ask

What's in it for us, if we're talking partnership instead of conquest

If, as you say, conquest through religion would be somewhat difficult, and considering the fact that the revelation of the Stargate would ultimately result in Anarchy that we couldn't be bothered dealing with right now...

The Ori and the Goa'uld are not the only threats out there in the galaxy *waves vaguely*
If either of us are to survive for very long, we'll have to adapt. If you are prepared to negotiate with us, then we will listen to your terms.

Like I said to...the other part of you and I must say I'm glad to be speaking to someone who actually listens, I can't speak for the whole of Earth, you must address every one of Earth's leaders

I apologise. Montu can be somewhat... forceful. He still has illusions of grandeur. He envisions a new Goa'uld empire, with him at its head. He doesn't seem to realise that that vision is a difficult one to achieve. *pauses* If you could hear what I'm hearing... *he chuckles*

You know as well as I how difficult it would be to appease all your planet's leaders with the limited resources we have, and anyway, I only need the database of the SGC, not the database of the entire planet. Our empire is still in the early stages of development. We're far from being a threat to galactic security just yet... *pauses again, cocks his head to one side, as if listening, and smiles* ...despite what Montu would have you think.

You have to understand that a lot of the information I seek can be found, quite readily, by using your oh-so-handy internet, or by reconstituting the data fragments that make up the surviving parts of your database. In fact... *glances at a holographic display* 27% of your database has been recovered and transmitted here. I merely wish to gain the information I require without plunging the armies of Montu into war... Surely you understand my dilemma. I need information, and I don't wish to steal it, when I can bargain for it fairly.

I can't give you the entire data base but I can negotiate with the Petagon for the bit's relevant to your requirements, have you ever thought about, you know, getting rid of...him

In three days, I will be the equivalent of two thousand and fifty three years old. "He" has chosen to keep me, as we have struck up something of a rapport over the years... Well, millennia, really.

If I wasn't a host, I wouldn't still be alive. If it wasn't for him... I'd be dead by now. As it is, I have a life companion, and close to eternal life.

What portions would you deem relevant to me?

Two Thousand and fifty years old, wow, I bet you could answer a few questions about life, the universe and everything.

I could give you engine technology, metallurgy, computers, without consulting my superiors I have no idea what else I can give you

By "engine technology", are you referring to the Asgard-enhanced hyperdrive engine technology? Your work with trinium and so on? As for computers... I have seen some of your computers, and they are certainly less archaic and better suited to their task than our crystal-based system... That will be suitable as a starting point. As a show of good faith, I will minimise my Jaffa presence in your base. *waves to a guard, who nods and leaves the room*

I will have to go back to our base and re boot our computers to get the things you want, you can accompany me of course, I don't wish to be a burden to you

Not at all. It's a pleasure to be in the presence of... *pauses briefly, as if resolving an internal conflict* ...allies. *Stands, and gestures towards the throne room* Shall we?

I wouldn't exactly say we were allies and I've had some bad experiences with the broader term 'Ally' so forgive me if I don't jump for joy

*grins slightly* Don't worry, Colonel. Montu and I are... different to the other Goa'uld. I assure you that all will go smoothly. I know many Goa'uld would use an opportunity like this one to somehow gain an advantage over your people, and I know that I can say nothing to prove that I will not do the same, but I assure you, I am trustworthy.

I'll take your word for it

*Follows*