h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After ringing up from the surface of P3X-888, you find yourself in an atrium, just off Montu's throne room. After stepping through to the throne room, you can see how functionality and lavish décor have been employed very skilfully, with an auxiliary Pel'tac being located in front of the throne itself. The Throne room is guarded by what appears to be a small army of Jaffa.

*Tol'nar rings aboard with Colonel Reefgirl, and bows before Montu, who is recumbent in his throne, poring over a handheld data device. Tol'nar stands at attention beside Montu, and a circle of light descends from the ceiling in front of the throne.*

So, you must be Montu, can we get the 'I am your one true God' stuff out of the way and get down to it..erm..I'll rephrase that, get down to the reason why your jaffa have over-run my facility

*Dismisses the Jaffa from the room, all bar Tol'nar and two Jaffa with silver sigils in their foreheads, as opposed to the gold ones*

These are the only Jaffa under my command who understand the true nature of my being. You are about to discover it as well.

I am not like the Goa'uld you have met before. I am... unique among the Goa'uld in that my host and I co-inhabit this body freely. I have come to realise that his input is often vital to my plans, as he can see things in a way that I often cannot. I believe you have met the Tok'ra? They have a similar system. If you kill me, you won't be able to take solace in the fact that you showed mercy to the host as a result.

Now that we are... relatively... equal in standpoint, I believe we can talk more openly. Although he cannot remember it, Aries, who you received back after a prolonged absence, has been a most efficient spy for our cause. I have, in my possession, a mind-probing device, which is a refinement on the technology used by Anubis, augmented using salvaged Ancient and Asgard technologies. It can manipulate the memory centres of the brain, altering memories if necessary, but reading them with much greater ease. Aries' mind was tremendously well conditioned, so it took an awfully long time to probe it entirely.

However, in the end, I managed to gain a total picture of your S-G-C, and its internal workings. I realise that access codes et al will have been changed in the intervening time, so I decided to take the liberty of sending my Jaffa along with blowtorch equipment... And the ability to dial a gate by remotely accessing your computers.

But as to the reason for overrunning your facility?

Simple.

When recovering the territories of the System lords, my Jaffa and I were always warned of you and your people. We were warned by the heretics that the Tau'ri and the SGC would wreak revenge on us, so we decided to attack you first, so as to crush all possible opposition. I hope you don't mind. Its nothing personal.

Interesting, then you know that there is nothing left of our database, I wiped the whole lot before I left, standard procedure,

So basically there's nothing left for you, now you said something about taking over the planet, being the one true God, all must bow down before you, blah blah blah, well you should know there are some that won't take too kindly to you waltzing in and telling them to renounce everything they believe in, but if you want I'll place a call to Mr Bin Laden and his followers and see what they have to say

The Goa'uld you refer to as "Bin Laden" was dispatched by the Jaffa of Ba'al some time ago. His Jaffa remain, but none of them possess a prim'tah.

If necessary, I will do one worse. I will reveal the Stargate program to your world, and, when chaos arises, I will be a charismatic face of an army larger than the population of Earth. Your people will rally under my command, and you will be overthrown. I will then show my power, and they will worship me regardless.

As for your database, we can reconstitute it. Aries was aware of a back-door protocol which backs up your database on a firewalled computer, which is a standalone unit. The unit was not guarded, as no-one was aware it was still connected. My Jaffa retrieved it in a cloaked Al'kesh some time ago.

I feel that this planet has been a good choice to rebuild the Goa'uld empire... This is the Ancestral homeworld of the Goa'uld... Were you aware of that?

I knew there was something odd about Bin Laden

anyway, good luck with trying to make the more fanatical religious elements of our world worship you

If, as you say, they are unlikely to yield due to religion, I will do the military thing and take over that way. *Shudders, his eyes glow, and without the voice...* We have all of the routes covered. *grins* Unless you have something to add?

What is the point of me being here, you're not listening to anything I'm saying, I'm trying to make you see reason and you can't

Please proceed. Make me see reason, if you believe I don't already. I'm willing to hear you as an equal, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

The people of Earth don't have a single ruler or a single God, admittidly we aren't very tollerant but I can guarentee that if you stroll in and declare yourself ruler and God supreme, the nations of the world would forget their differences and team up to get rid of you by foul means or fouler, if you wanted to take over and have the people of the world not kill you on sight, you'd have to do it by taking over the United Nations, or America, or become the Aga Khan, whatever takes your fancy.

So what do you think?

And if the world's populace were to realise that, for over a decade, the US Government has had an open door to the threat of an alien invasion? If the general public were to receive conclusive proof that your facility exists? You think that they wouldn't panic, and then join under the banner of a ruler who gave them the information, to destroy you and your people, by, as you say, foul means or fouler?


I am not out to destroy your planet, just to remove the threat of the Tau'ri. If necessary, I will take your planet's Stargate by force, and, thus, slow your travel.

Some might, but the conspiricy geeks will just say "We told you so" I think you'll find that you'll be seen as just another David Koresh/Jim Jones weirdo who some of the more gullible will follow but the majority of the world ignore and make fun of. We're not as gullible and week as you think we are, you should really study history a bit more. Here's a few tips, look up Hitler, Mussolini, Idi Amin, Stalin and see what an impact they had on society

Would you prefer that I just vaporised your planet? I have no qualms in doing that either.

I have one demand. I want a copy of your database. Not your gate addresses, as I know you will never surrender them. I want details of your technologies, and social structures. I want to know what makes the Tau'ri tick. Failing that... There's always war.

No I wouldn't prefer you vaporise the planet, but I don't have the authority to give you anything that would have to come from the International Oversight Authority and, trust me, that will take months

*Smiles*

You can vaporise them with pleasure and mine too

You'll have to make your demands to every government on Earth, I can't speak for the whole planet

I do not care for the internal squabbling of your planetary authority bodies. When Atlantis returns your database, we will either receive a copy, or intercept one. If we intercept it, we will not filter out the gate addresses. If you somehow communicate to Atlantis, without the use of your Gate, that you need the database to be kept safe, then we can wait. My army can be rotated in and out, kept fed and watered, while your people starve and die of thirst, unable to control your gate, as the dialling computer was wiped with your database, and the gate itself is guarded by Jaffa.

Again I say, what is the point of me being here? I've offered you solutions and all you've done is posture and threaten, I may as well go home, you're not taking any notice of me

I told you we could have held this conversation via hologram in your gate room, but you insisted on coming here.


<<>>

I like to meet face to face, manners you know, the personal touch goes a long way in diplomatic matters

*The Colonel's stomach rumbles*

Sorry I skipped lunch, at least Baal treated me to lunch

*Smiles*

He knew how to treat a woman

*Grins slightly*

Certainly. I will see to it that you are kept comfortable. *Clicks his fingers. Tol'nar leads the Colonel out of the room into a banquet hall. Montu, still in his throne, presses a button on the side of the armrest, and a communications orb rises*

"People of the Tau'ri..."