h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can you use cucumbah in that recipe instead of kurkuma?

A unicorn is an ear of corn that went to uni.

What is the cookie monster's favorite opera? Answer: Oreo and Eurydice

Ross Ewage owned a septic tank cleaning company

Deliveries of Mountain Farms Spice Company were running late. I called the company, and Rosemary told me about a rock slide that had blocked the only road. When can I expect the road to be cleared, I asked. "This could take some thyme, but Ginger hopes to resume her route on Tuesday," I was told. "She'll be cumin 'round the mountain when she comes. Be patient dill then."

Don and Basil of Basildon would don their hats whenever they met up with Herbert the Herbalist who had a collection of The Herb garden books.

Corks are made in County Cork.
Tuna fish is fished off the seas of Tuna(isa).
Sardines are fished off the coast off Sardinia.
Cheddar cheese is made in the caves of Cheddar Gorge.
Sandwiches are made by Lord Sandwich in Sandwich town in Kent.
Jaffa cakes are made in the Jaffa town of Israel.

Wake up in a field in Wakefield.

If it's dry - it's Bury
If it's wet - it's Dewsbury (double )

Roundabout training is key to surviving Milton Keynes. (They have 130 of them)

French vampires can be killed with an old baguette. This is considered a pain-staking process.

Me: - You are holding that gun wrongly
Friend: - None of you business!
Me: - Okay, shoot yourself

What did the Ancient Roman soldier do in Scotland?
He went Roman'ing in the Gloaming.

Caesar!

Why ? What's she done ?

Misfit insects

Butterfly that only eats margarine
Deerfly that skipped Bambi's family reunion
Beetle that refuses to go on the Autobahn
Dragonfly that sided with Saint George
Moth that goes around with a fire extinguisher putting out flames
Ladybug that acts like a tramp
Fruitfly with diabetes
Carpenter ant that runs at the sight of a hammer

Samuel Morse, in his youth, was considered to be a dashing young man, by the dotty young women in his orbit.

Dirty Harry walks into an optician's office and says, "I need glasses."
The optician looks up and says, "I know you. You're Squint Eastwood"

The water company in Fargo, North Dakota needed to drill some wells. The manager asked the board for suggestions as to financing. One said, "I suggest Wells Fargo bank

Might be "yiked" ????

In Yorkshire speak!

az tha got time on yer cock ?
Nah! The strap kept slipping off

Girl 1: - Can you help me get a stain off my dress?
Girl 2: - Come again?
Girl 1: - Nah, it's wine this time

Great historical figures who were cats disguised as other entities: Pusseidon, Mewcury, Purrseus, Socates, Napawleon, Emperor Clawdius, and Catullus

I worked as the chef on a dairy farm. I wanted to make salads, but all I had were ground beef, cheese, and buns. So I improvised with Beefsteak tomatoes, Cowslip leaves, Butterhead lettuce, and Horseradish dressing

They say that Egypt is building a new capital city. I don't Cairo 'bout that.

My cow is getting forgetful. Her memories are Hereford today, but gone tomorrow

"Everyone" Says Free speech!

So! Why did I have to pay £££'s for "his" ?

First cowboy: Why is that actor performing on the roof of that stage coach?
Second cowboy: He's doing a one act play. He's on the stage that's on the coach

Scientist: I've noticed that people who drink milk are not bothered as much by tick bites. it's because milk contains lacktick acid

Why did Prospero get such good TV reception? Because he had Ariel.

Mars bars a major planet, because Jup hit her