Why the Number of Stupid People on Earth is Increasing (UG)

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Official UnderGuide Entry

The theory of natural selection explains that as a species of any kind evolves, the weaker members of that species will not survive. These weaknesses can be anything from not being able to outrun another species that views you as its next meal, to deciding to leave the oceans without bothering to evolve lungs.

Early man evolved and developed through the ability to adapt to his surroundings. One of the weaknesses of humans however was stupidity. This stupidity was to a greater extent kept in check by natural selection. If for example, a stupid human decided it would be a good idea single handedly attack a sabre toothed tiger, the result would be that the human in question would learn the error of his ways shortly before his death. This was a good thing because it kept the number of stupid people low, and more importantly they didn't get the chance to add stupidity to the gene pool.

Several thousand years passed, and along came the technical innovations of the industrial age. Stupid people were still happily weeding themselves out of the population. If you had an obsession with 'those new fangled steam locomotives' and thought you'd like to see them up close, then you would die on the tracks. If you wanted to see what would happen if you used less 'pit props' in your mine, you would learn the hard way. The message was simple: stupid people who do stupid things die horribly.

As the earth moved into the twentieth century, several changes happened that altered the ratio of stupid to non-stupid people on Earth. Arguably the greatest factor to bring about an increase in dim-witted people was the advances in medical treatment. Stupid people having accidents were now able to get treated more effectively for whatever mishap they ended up having. Stupid people were surviving to tell the tale, and more importantly they were going on to breed. If, as some species believe, that stupidity is inherited genetically, then it becomes obvious, that there will be more stupid people with the passing of time.

Eventually a group of government bureaucrats began to take note. They in turn asked the statisticians to look into it. After several months of extensive correlating of various facts and figures, a secret report into world stupidity was published. The findings of the report stated that there was an exponential increase in the numbers of stupid people. The bureaucrats formed a select committee to look into the growing problem. The select committee in turn decided it was too big a problem to deal with, and public executions of stupid people wouldn't win votes for anyone. The bureaucrats decided there was only one option open to them: they would have to make laws for the protection of stupid people.

It is worth noting at this point some of the other conclusions of the report into world stupidity. The report also noted that one stupid female, intent on breeding could realistically produce approximately one offspring a year. Where as one stupid male could become responsible for many stupid babies in a year. Also the report made note that stupid people seemed to watch a disproportionally high amount of satellite television.

By the end of the twentieth century, the number of stupid people was close to epidemic proportions. It had got to the state that there were so many laws trying to shift the blame from stupid people, that a group of lawyers got together in secret to see if the situation could be exploited. The lawyers soon realized that stupid people could use the law to make money; all they needed to do was work out how. With a stroke of genius, one lawyer (Wesley Clifford Unwin) reasoned that stupid people are more likely to have accidents. Therefore his reasoning went that he could sue on behalf of stupid people for any catastrophe that may have beset them. The end result would be that he could profit from the situation. Acting on this idea, he advertised in The Times. The results were not the success he predicted. Another lawyer (Zachariah Jameson-Smythe) seeing the advertisement realized that the idea was good, it had just been advertised in the wrong place. Jameson-Smythe had the revolutionary idea of offering a similar service, but he instead advertised on satellite television. The advert itself is now a classic formula, with its heavy reliance on pictures of cheques, offers of receiving "100% of your compensation" and large printed slogans. Generally the advert has been emulated by almost every law firm advertising similar services.

The end result of this change is that stupid people are now in positions throughout society where they can make changes that effect the population as a whole. There are people in the world who believe that the bureaucracies that initiated the changes to the laws are now heavily over run with the cretins they attempted to protect. If this is true, it would seem to the casual observer that evolution has a wicked sense of humour.

There are still some people on Earth, who, in spite of the laws to protect them, actively try to exit population. Each year the Darwin Awards chronicle those people, who have through their own idiocy reached the zenith of stupidity. This is clear indication that if the protective laws were removed, the human population would return to a natural balance of one idiot per village.

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