Running With Scissors

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What she said. This here is Big Jim Bullock with the evening news, courtesy of the Cow News Network (CNN)1.


Cows around the world are indignant over recent world-wide efforts to curb their, er, 'emissions' of methane, a greenhouse gas. Some human scientists have estimated that cows burp a whopping 280 litres per animal each day (that's 140 two-litre soda bottles worth of gas). The humans say that methane is far more potent as a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide; according to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (US), it's 21 times better at trapping heat in the atmosphere. Something must be done before we're all trapped in a sauna of belching, flatulent cows.

Most cows are of the opinion that this is just so much hot air. Said spokesbull Big George: 'I don' know whut's got their wind up. I don' see 'em reducin' their emissions none. We're jus' doin' what comes nat-chur-al, and by golly, we're gonna keep doin' it!'

CNN will continue to monitor this explosive issue. smiley - musicalnote

Cow Pats and Brick Bats

Tensions are growing in Iowa (US) farmer Jeb Wangerhammer's pasture as two bulls fight it out over who will be ruling the herd. BossMan, the incumbent bull, is being challenged by Slim Jake, who was bred in the eastern US and has seen a bit of the world in his time.

No sense beating around the bush, the air is thick with snorts and bellows and assorted posturings. Fears of being bushwhacked keep the rest of the herd lying low while the two males stamp around and charge each other. The media have further inflamed the situation by designating Wangerhammer's land as a 'battleground farm' and converging en masse to hear the bulls' latest proclamations. However, many of the herd remain undecided on which bull they would prefer to lead them. 'It's so hard to sort out the bull from the bull, if you catch my drift,' said one of the undecided.

Around the Barnyard

A rash of cow-tipping incidents in Nebraska (US) has area cows in a tizzy. Said one victim: 'Here we are, chewing our cud and minding our own business, and all of a sudden, WHAM! we're hoof over udder laid out flat on our sides!'

Many humans discount stories of cow-tipping. They point out that the average adult cow weighs several hundred pounds and is built low to the ground. Pushing one over would take a lot of muscle power. They think it's more likely that the cows tripped over their own feet or had gotten into some fermented windfall apples or something.

'Well, that's just horse puckey,' according to Bessie, another victim of cow-tipping. 'Fermented apples, my udder! That's just so typical of humans: it isn't real unless it happens to them.' A number of cows have been ruminating about organising a little human-tipping spree, but so far nothing has come of it. CNN will continue to watch as the cows chew on the details.

Editorial: No Cow Smileys?

It has come to our attention at Cow News Network that the well-known and popular Web site The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy has neglected to provide cow smileys for their Researchers' use. We believe this is unconscionable, as the site provides a veritable farmyard full of other smileys:

smiley - sheepsmiley - chicksmiley - mousesmiley - ponysmiley - blacksheep

Equal Rights for Cows!

Don't be bull-headed! Give us
Cow Smileys NOW

Domestic Diva in Dutch

Earlier this week a farmer in Massachusetts (US) grounded his dairy cow Martha after she riled up his herd by stealing the other cows' fodder and attempting to hide it in her stall.

'Martha has always been the queen bee around here,' said Homer Flump, mixing his metaphors. 'She has always kept after the other cows if they made too much of a mess around the barn or slacked off on the milk production. But about a year ago she started swipin' the other cows’ food, and we can't be havin' with that sort of thing.' Flump noted that the rest of the herd became demoralised as well as hungry; milk production fell off and numerous spats broke out, resulting in damage to parts of the barn. Martha has been 'sentenced' to five months in her own section of pasture in the hopes that she will see the error of her ways.

Flump is hopeful. He said that milk production has started to rise again, and the rest of the cows have returned to their amiable, if slovenly, ways.

Chewing the Cud

For all you philosophical types out there, here is the thought for the day:

The cow that can be named is not the true cow.
Without words, the true cow can be experienced,
and without a name, it can be known.

from the Cao Te Ching by Lao-Chew

Note: Lao-Chew (ca. 600 BCE) is thought to have developed the philosophy known as Caoism and outlined it in the Cao Te Ching, sometimes called The Tao of Cow. Contemplation of the tenets of Caoism results in the placid demeanour often displayed by cows.

The Year of the Cow

And now for the CNN Cow-oscope:

Tomorrow should be the cream of the crop for your week. Projects will moooove along smoothly. Should you encounter any disappointments, rest assured that they will not be too udderly bad. Family and home life are highlighted. Harmony will prevail if disagreements are not milked too much.

And that's it for today. This is Big Jim Bullock signing off. (And that's no bull.)

Running With Scissors


30.09.04 Front Page

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1Affiliated with, but not to be confused with, Clown News Network (CNN) or Chicken News Network (CNN).

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