(Ask Maisie appears regularly on the Chicken News Network (CNN)¹)

Celebrate National Chicken Month! (eat more fish)

Dear Maisie,

Something terrible is happening! Every morning when I go outside to eat, something falls on my head. I think the sky is falling! Ducky-lucky, Turkey-lurkey, Cocky-locky, and Goosey-loosey and I all think we should warn the Queen! We've been running around like chickens with our legs cut off, but nobody pays any attention! Help!!!

Signed,

Henny-penny

Dear Henny-penny,

Calm down, dear. I think someone is playing a trick on you. Are there oak trees near the barnyard? Do you see squirrels lurking? It's well known that squirrels delight in dropping acorns on unsuspecting passers-by, especially if the passers-by react by panicking. Here's what to do. Find the acorn that just fell. Call out a loud 'thank you' and take the acorn into the henhouse. I guarantee that after a few days the squirrels will have realised that they're throwing away their winter food supply and they'll stop. (And don't bother the Queen; she's got enough on her mind these days.)

Love,
Maisie

Dear Maisie,

I'm a six-month-old chick, and I'm curious. I want to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. I've asked my mother, but she tells me I'm too young to know about such things. I'm not too young, Maisie! Please tell me.

Signed,

Wee Chick

Dear Chickie,

You're right, you're not too young. You're also not too young to learn an important lesson: your parents don't always have all the answers. In fact, nobody knows whether the chicken came before the egg, or vice versa. Philosophers have debated this question for ages, and the best anyone has done so far is to come up with rude jokes. So don't worry about it. Remember: sometimes asking the question is more important than finding the answer.

Love,
Maisie

Dear Maisie,

The new rooster in our barnyard is causing nothing but trouble. The other hens are all in love with him; they strut and cluck and fluff their feathers at him, and when he isn't looking, they peck each other. What's worse, he's in love with himself, too, and for no good reason. He thinks a few 'cock-a-doodle-doos' each morning cause the sun to rise and he's done for the day. What can I do?

Signed,

Eggs-asperated

Dear Eggs,

Forget about the fox in the henhouse; there's nothing like a male to ruffle the girls' feathers. My advice is to ignore them all. Eventually most of the hens will figure out that a loud voice and bright feathers do not an admirable chicken make, but this is something they will have to learn for themselves. In the meantime, cultivate a serene personality. You will be a tower of strength when your fellow hens see the error of their ways. And remember: roosters come and go, but sisterhood is forever.

Love,
Maisie

Dear Maisie,

I'm worried about my children. They seem to have decided that they're human. They're always wandering up to the farm house and following the humans around, rather than staying near the henhouse with the rest of us. Worse, they're especially attracted to the noise that comes out of the farm house (I think it's called 'wrap'). They'll sit completely still and listen for hours. And then at night they stomp around the henhouse and harass the older hens. How can I convince them that they're not human?

Signed,

Worried

Dear Worried,

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. It's hard to keep children sheltered from all the bad influences around them, which seem much more egg-citing than the normal eat-preen-sleep routine of most chickens. It's even more difficult when children don't have a positive male image (see previous letter) in their lives. You need the Raven Brothers^tm. The Ravens are the 'cool dudes' of the bird world; they're smart, they're savvy, and they dress all in black. They provide a positive role model for birds whose fathers spend their days cock-a-doodlin' elsewhere. Give them a call, and your chicks will come a-runnin'.

Love,
Maisie

Has something got your feathers out of place? Write to Maisie in care of Chicken News Network - she'll sort out your problems in a jiffy!

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