Running With Scissors
Created | Updated Aug 5, 2004
Heigh-ho, Zippo the Clown here with all the latest news from Clown News Network (CNN).
Baggy Trousers and Bad Hair Days
An effort to reform the clowning profession was launched today with the formation of the National Union of Female Funnypersons (NUFF). The group released a statement saying that the traditional clown costume is demeaning to women, as are gags such as squirting water down their trousers. Said spokesclown Biffy:
Look at these shoes! They ruin our feet and wreck our backs when we trip over them. The makeup and fright wigs scare small kids, and the pie-in-the-kisser gag is just plain mean.
Members of the group plan to picket circuses and children's birthday parties around the country and will have literature available for the curious, NUFF said.
Traffic Snarls
Traffic in Ringling Downs came to a standstill earlier today when a Volkswagen Beetle carrying 17 clowns and a Mazda Miata carrying another 13 clowns collided in the roundabout, whereupon a circus erupted. It took police several hours to round up the clowns who terrorised the town, making rude gestures and hitting passers-by with custard pies. Five clowns were injured, as was a police officer who slipped in the spilled custard and fell, hitting his head on the kerb. The officer was taken to a nearby hospital and later released. The miscreants were taken to the Ringling jail and charged with aggravated clowning. Bond was set at 1,500 red noses.
Two Cannibals...
... were eating a clown. One cannibal turned to the other and said, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
*rim shot*
Science News
Sigmund Floyd, Professor of Paleoclown Studies at Hurl College in Little Chucking announced today that his studies suggest a link between ancient clowns and mimes. Comparison of fossils found at Rising Gorge suggests that clowns actually evolved from mimes, a more primitive life form. The announcement was promptly denounced by a number of religious leaders. The Grand High Muckamuck of the Church of the Running Gag called on right-thinking clowns everywhere to resist the blandishments of modernism. An afternoon demonstration outside Hurl College turned violent when protestors, who tried to burn Floyd in effigy, were joined by student clowns armed with squirt bottles filled with beer. The resulting conflagration shut down the College as well as parts of Little Chucking. Several students were treated at the local infirmary for burns resulting from melted plastic noses and singed wigs. The able-bodied adjourned to the nearby Hue and Cry, where they engaged in further scientific debate over a friendly pint.
The miming community has had no comment about Professor Floyd's findings.
Meanwhile Steven Horking, Professor of Astroclownology, announced the discovery of another black hole, which he named 'The Big Sucker'. It was discovered when astroclownomers observed several stars that are apparently being torn apart by the black hole's gravitational pull. You can see The Big Sucker at the edge of the Circling Tricycles Constellation, which appears in our western skies each night. Or, rather, you can't see it. Um. Er. Yes. Well, moving right along...
Two Mimes Walk into a Bar...
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Now back to the news.
Bonzo the Clown: International Man of Mystery
Controversy continues to swirl around Bonzo the Clown. For years, Bonzo claimed to be a member of Clowns in Action (CIA) and said that his stunts were simply efforts to draw suspicion away from other clowns. But now a spokesclown for the CIA has disavowed any knowledge of Bonzo's activities. 'It appears that Bonzo is just a freelance trouble-maker', said spokesclown 007.
The CIA is a shadowy organization with a history of sending clowns provocateurs to various parts of the globe in an effort to diffuse tensions by focusing the locals' wrath on the clowns. It is not known what role, if any, Bonzo played in these efforts. Indeed, his visibility supports the CIA's contention that he played no role at all, since it would have made him the target of hitclowns. Bonzo claims that this is all part of his act, as the best place to hide something is in plain sight. CNN will continue to watch this story for new developments.
Ronald McDonald: Clown or Shill?
Ronald McDonald is continuing his efforts to be inducted in the Happy International Fellowship Hall of Fame (HIFHOF), but members of the group say that McDonald will never be accepted due to his commercial success in the fast food industry. They contend that true clowns are dedicated to their art, a phrase which means that they don't know where their next meal is coming from. Clearly McDonald has no such worries. Indeed, rumours say that he has taken up a low-carb diet in an effort to combat the weight gain resulting from too many Biggie Fries.
'Besides which, he isn't even funny,' said HIFHOF spokesclown, who then poured a supersized Coke down his trousers.
Two More Cannibals...
... are eating a clown. One cannibal asks why supper was so late. The other replies, 'Do you know how long it takes to clean one of these things?'
Brain-Teaser
If a mime gets arrested, do police have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
And that's the news for today. This is Zippo the Clown signing off, and remember, keep it real, folks.
* honk *
