h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You are all the same. Arrogant little spits who think you know everything. You always try to outsmart each other. You embarrass and belittle each other. Then when someone tries to have a little fun you get all worked up and throw a fit. You are all up-tight, and can not take a joke. You take everything seriously and get angry at everyone. My advice to you all,
LIGHTEN UP.
Or get a life.

Well... Quit being a dick, dick.

oh,

ok

yeah I know it needs to be sharpend, the sapient pear wood was tougher than I thourght, um is moc following you around or is it just me

I think you both are following me around actually. I don't really mind. I've always wanted a few groupies. Well, I'd prefer a few girls, though, of course. Oh and the mini-Luggage has healed itself nicely. I'd watch my back if I was you So Long, but well, you know about those Luggages

er.. ok I've never hade prpblems with it befor, just give it a good wardrobe and it'll be happy

Is there a way for a small ducky like me to become a Saint? I have been around this time for a few years, but my knowledge from the last time I was here may come in handy. I could be the Saint of Small Animals. Thanks.

Hello, could I become a saint? The Patron Saint of Sleep Overs for example, or the Patron Saint of Silly Names?

I think these can be arranged.

Thank you

The Good Duck bows and gives thanks.

{St Bob}
Welcome one and all...here have a drink

*The Old Woods are located in one of the small corners of Heaven, which is probably one of the smarter design choices made during it's creation. Not that it's a bad place to be, but HE obviously had more important drin--er, things on his mind when he built this particular part of Heaven. The trees are barren, it always seems to be dark and cloudy, and HE obviously doesn't like to pay heating expenses for the area.*

*But every once in a while someone sees fit to visit the old woods. Sometimes, it's Angels looking for some quiet time. Other times it's Angels looking for a contrast to the general perfection of heaven. Usually it's some new Saint who is lost and looking for the bar. This time, however, the woods are used as the perfect setting for a special Halloween sainting.*

*There are those who would question the appropriateness of celebrating a holiday dedicated to ghouls and demons up in Heaven, but the rest seemed to agree that it would be a great deal of fun. Thus, the Costumed Ceremony was born.*

*Amongst the crowd, Kes calmly attempts to explain that the bubbling liquid he is carrying means he is dressed as an alchemist, not that he is trying to sell people drinks. Galaxy Babe proudly shows off her Venus de Milo costume, while Tweetie attracts some attention in her bedazzling Devil costume. God, dressed as Saint Peter, begins to voice some complaints about the inappropriateness of Tweetie's costume, but goes quiet when the goddess Xanthe shows up in a similar outfit. *

*At first the Angels have trouble determining who the Master of Ceremonies is tonight, as all seven Archangels appear to be moving in unision. But after a second the costumed crowd begins to realize to realize that it is not actually seven Archangels, but one Arch attached to six dummies. Big 'Evil' Dan has apparently decided to come as all of the Archangels. Beside him, Saint Peter, dressed as God, bears the Golden Sword.*

*The Saints-to-be, not costumed for fear of what spontaneous wing growth could do to rented costumes, stand nervously in front of the crowd.*

BED: I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight. It's always an honour to perform these ceremonies and welcome new individuals into our group. To start, I'd like to ask that The Average Joe please step forward.

*Joe walks towards BED as confidently as one can to a 14-winged, 7-headed, sword-bearing man. He kneels down in front of him.*

BED: I hereby proclaim you Saint The Average Joe No One Ever Suspects, Patron Saint of Tacky Tourist Souveniers

*BED waves the sword around, nearly hitting Saint Peter with the Bruce dummy from his costume. A halo forms around Joe's head, and a pair of white wings bearing the words "I went to HEAVEN, and all I got were these lousy wings" appear. He returns to where he came from and watches the rest of the ceremony.*

BED: Would Saint Underground Caroline please step forward?

*Caroline steps in front of the crowd.*

BED: I hereby proclaim you Underground Caroline, Patron Saint of the Terminally Starstruck.

*The sword is drawn through the air once more, with Saint Peter a little further away this time. A halo begins to form around Caroline's head, and a pair of wings appear, dotted with tiny stars. She too returns to where she was standing.*

BED: Next I would like to call Ducky forward.

*Ducky waddles forth into range of the Golden Sword*

BED: I hereby proclaim you Saint Ducky, Patron Saint of Waterfowl.

*Again the sword is brought into the air, it's glow illuminating the Old Woods. A second pair of wings appears on Ducky's back, next to the natural pair. A small halo forms around Ducky's head.*

BED: And finally, would Silly Willy please come here.

*Willy leaves the line of new Saints and stands in front of the Sword.*

BED: I hereby proclaim you Saint Silly Willy, Patron Saint of Silly Names.

*A pair of silly wings and a silly halo appear on Silly Willy, and the crowd begins to applaud and congratulate the newest Guardian Angels.*

Congratulations, and welcome to you all!

Do come and get some drinks!

*He pours some liquid from the seething container into an empty punchbowl, then adds a sprinkle of shiny dust, procured from his sleeve. Instead of a delicious high-octane punch, there is an orange flash, a cloud of green smoke, and a short-lived but very disgusting smell.*

Sorry! Didn't get that quite right ... it's having to use dried dragon's blood that does it, I think.

"As his hair smoulders gently, Kes directs the new angels to the nearby bar*

Plenty of champagne - help yourselves ...

*Wipes tears from eye*
This is the proudest moment of my afterlife!

The Venus de Milo steps forward to greet the new Saints.
She hugs them all, and kisses the lucky guys
Turning, she spots Archangels Kes and Dan looking at her longingly, and smiles...she flicks back her long golden tresses, giving them a quick flash of her ample bosom.
St.Peter dashes forward with a towel....

Now I know why you call this heaven...

::feels very honoured!:: Hey, is this the part where we throw our halos up in the air and quite possibly put out someone's eye when we try to catch them? ::now feels like a good drink and a bad woman would truly hit the spot::

*leans on S.C.Y.T.H.E and decides he's probably not not going to ba a GA for a long long time* well congrats people

*winks*
You never know
*teeters on spike heels, and falls into SW's arms*
Ooopsie...