h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ooh, I do love these item-by-item refutations. Great fun. 'scuse the length, but you do what you have to do...

>>American: to be an American, one must perform the following, or at
>>least in this thread:
Er, just one, or most/all of them? Anyway...

>>* Be unable to use your/you're/yore correctly.
Completely untrue. While I will give you that roughly 75% (or so it seems) of the general populace are apparently incapable of following this simple rule, it makes my eyes bleed when I see it done. One day I'll make a list of my (least) favorite grammatical/spelling errors, but I don't feel like it now.
Oh, and some solid proof of my pedantic ways:
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=316

>>* Act defensive and offensive in the same sentence.
I think virtually everyone's guilty of this one. Do you have an example, because I'm not sure I get it.

>>* Use absurd emoticons that you probably also have on a shirt
>>somewhere.
Many, many years ago I gave up wearing shirts with anything printed on them. Why should I pay to be a walking billboard?

>>* Have no clue what a Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ale means in the
>>context of life.
No, I just had one Friday night on the recommendation of the kind chaps in the Beer forum. It means quite a lot to me now, actually. Now, if I could 1) find it at more stores, preferably for less that $2.50 a pint and 2) find a bar that serves it, I'd be very happy. I'll just stick with Newcastle until then, thanks.

>>* Love your beer ice cold, your women hot!, and your fish and chips
>>with salsa or guacamole.
American beer demands to be served ice cold, else it tastes filthy. That's why I don't drink it anymore, except in cases of dire, dire financial need, or happen to be stuck at a bar/party with people with awful taste and/or not enough money.

>>* Have a deep Music collection that reads: A is for Abdul, Paula. B
>>is for Britany, Spears. C is for Celine! and so on...
Eek, don't confuse the garbage on the radio with music people actually listen to. Let's break mine down briefly, off the top of my head...A, well, not much 'A' except for Animal Logic, Stewart Copeland's post-Police band. An interesting experiment, but I'm not sure it works anymore. B--what 'b' section is complete without some/all of the Beatles? I mean, really.... It also goes without saying, but I shall say it anyway: The Godfather of Soul, James Brown. To paraphrase someone or other, anyone that can go to a James Brown concert and not be moved is probably passing by in an ambulance. C contains some of the true gems--Elvis Costello. He can have the letter to himself, as far as I'm concerned. Let's see, although you didn't specify, D can go to Miles Davis and E can go to his sometime pianist, the (late) Great Bill Evans. Okay, ramble over, you can come back now...

>>* Jump out of bed for your Morning Zoo so you can listen to those
>>crazy guys like Mark & Brian, or The Animal, or some other inane
>>Stern wannabe. Make sure you get the bumper sticker so you can win
>>that trip to Disney, or listen at 7:20 every Thursday to see if
>>you've won a chance to see Dave Matthews at Red Rocks!
Popular radio, and I use the term loosely, is a wasteland. I use the radio for traffic reports and sports scores. Upon reflection, I'm surprised you didn't bring up the rabid fans of various teams that find it endlessly amusing to paint their bodies in team colors in sub-zero weather, but I digress.
I am not proud, but I have been to Disneyland probably somewhere over 20 times. I can't help it--I live 35 miles away, and have my entire life. Great for a mindless day of silly rides and overpriced, disgusting food. If any out there are keen to go, I suggest October and January--the weather is generally mild and the lines are virtually nonexistent.
Bumper stickers are not even worth mentioning. They actually sit right next to tattoos in my book, although if you really must get rid of a bumper sticker you can always roll the car over a cliff.

>>* Laugh, and only laugh at the Simpsons.
Is that supposed to mean that we don't understand the subversive undertones that are woven into the fabric of every episode? No, no, that is probably the only show on television that doesn't pander to the lowest 10% of the country's brainpower. And that's why it's fun to watch.

>>Oh, we Yanks get what we deserve. Dr. Laura, Judge Judy and
>>Springer are the new trinity. WWF. Bad radio. However there are
>>some divine beers and cheeses and breads and bookstores (remember
>>them?), but most people wouldn't know what to do with any of
>>them...
Yes, we do get what we deserve, but I hold out hope (however naïve it may be) that one day these people will throw away the tabloids, stop watching sensationalistic news broadcasts* (and I refuse to blame them for the recent tragedies, because that's just passing blame), vapid television programs, and sitcoms that have done nothing but reuse the plots 'I Love Lucy' made tired four decades ago, and actually pick up a book, stop believing everything the TV and newspapers tell them, and THINK. It's really not that hard.
On a side note, at my job, I read all 5 US tabloids every week. It's not for pleasure, oh no, but for (you guessed it) work. I do have to admire them on some level--they have their target audience mappped out brilliantly, and turn things that no one really cares about into full-fledged phenomena. The closer I get to it all, the more I'm convinced that all mass media is working for itself, feeding on the public endlessly...
Sorry, got caught up in the moment. I'm really trying to stay away from the conspiracy theories as much as possible, really. As one last note, has anyone noticed the tendency of TV/magazines/newspapers recently to label albums/songs/TV shows/movies as hits before they've even come out? I find it odd personally.

>>This Bear has eaten some bitter, bitter berries.
Yes you have, but you have company.
Sorry about the emoticon.

No, sorry, have not done an outlet mall, nor have I seen or ingested Yahoo.

next?

hmmmm susan wondering if she was dropped in America from an alien ship....

I've got a better way for you..

Go to the country (southeast should do), find a little tea shop with a wishing well outside and the cutest little garden Gnomes for sale inside, order a huge whopping afternoon tea of scones, clotted cream, and some jam.

Use way too much jam, get cholesterol up there, and mother nature will take care of ther rest.

;D

now's that for humor?

susan of the mostly british roots living in America, and is a citizen of the planet Earth. Other than that? I'm a female.

only two boxes I'm willing to put myself into. Any other's are yours to fabricate upon desire.

;D

Just what is it exactly that you find so wrong with ice in drinks?

susan forever boggled at the "rights and wrongs" the world over.

theorem

Yours in Earl Grey Wanderings of the Mind

I never had understood the word "posh"...maybe you could explain to an American what it means...?

to be an american one must :
* have an american citizenship.
and, amazingly enough, a british citizenship
is enough to make you british!!!
i hate to interupt this bi-national
sterotype festival, you seem to be
having a joly good time and all,
it's just amusing for an outsider
(i'm not a member of neither empire.
you'll be amazed to know, there is
life beyond the atlantic ocean)
to see how 2 nations who have so much
in common manage to focus on the
tyniest differences and convince
themselves they are as mentaly
distant from each other as earth is
from betelgeuse.

What?!?!?! Life BEYOND the Atlantic?!?!?! it CAN'T be!!!

hell the original point was americans are the kings of excess
the kings of sensory overstimulation
big gas guzzlers of detroit the chevys pontiacs olds
the towers of manhattan
pepsi mcdonalds joe camel mickey mouse
america is the nation of hype the nation of gross obesity the nation of over exaggeration
dow jones.... case in point.... the index doesnt stop rising
basically 'living out loud' is the philosophy which america lives by
and all that aerosol cheese was just a statement
because aerosol cheese is the sort of bullshit americans pride themselves on

let's observe some british symblos
and find out where they stand on
the issue of overstatement, shall we?
how about the sex pistols, the kings
of subtle? how about the bard, who's
plays where so understated, you'd
need a magnifyng glass to find the
drama ? how about that big-ben, then?
you wanna talk about excess some more,
harlem joe?

I don't know, that might have been a mistake...

i'm all for conciseness, caleb,
still , if you wouldn't mind
elaborating on that..

Elaborate on what?

"i don't know , that might have
been a mistake"
w h a t might have been a mistake??

Sorry about that (the blank message). Mouse (the thing that moves the pointer across the screen) accident.

Talking to that guy, Joe. Spur of the moment kinda thing.

Well, I happen to live on an island that has some very interesting people living on it. It also has this big bridge that connects it to the rest of America. And a lot of these interesting people drive back and forth across this big bridge.

I have a cat. I like to sit in my apartment and brush my cat. She enjoys this very much. I am quite sure she would enjoy this brushing even if that big bridge connected our island to some other country.

I also enjoy watching movies at the various theaters located on the rest of America. I go to the theaters in Houston a lot. There is this one theater called the Angelika Film Center & Cafe. They show many unsual films there. I like that theater a lot.

I also enjoy sitting in my apartment and watching my digital cable TV. I have a lot of channels to choose from. I am not sure if digital channels are available in other countries. I do not usually watch any of the programming by NBC, ABC, or CBS, although many of my neighbors do. Most of them are quite unintelligent and unimaginative. This may be because they like to watch the programming by NBC, ABC, or CBS.

I also enjoy sitting in my apartment and reading lots of books. I do not think many of my neighbors read very many books. They are too busy watching the programming by NBC, ABC, or CBS. They are not very much fun to talk to. I usually try to avoid them as much as possible.

I also like to write many things. I usually write these things on my computer, unless I am taking a bath; then I must keep these thoughts inside my mind until I finish taking my bath. Afterwards I type these thoughts on my computer. My computer is quite inexpensive to operate. It costs nothing to access the internet, apart from the monthly charge from my server. I believe many countries charge by the minute for access to the internet. It must be an awful feeling, having to pay that much simply to access the internet.

I am a fish. I am very unusual. I happen to live in America. I also like women an awful lot. Especially actresses. Young actresses. But I do not believe I possess any of the stereotypical traits being assigned to Americans in some of these threads. If I happened to live on an island that had a big bridge that connected it to the rest of some other country, I do not believe I would possess any of the stereotypical traits one might assign to that country. It may also be interesting to note that I do not like to place my head underwater, although I do enjoy drinking various liquids, especially those containing large amounts of alcohol.

But I don't live anywhere near Disneyland.

I wish I had something to say that would follow that up properly, but I think that's gone and summed everything up quite nicely.
Very well said, fish.

By a remote chance, is your first name Babel?

Ah. Yet more proof that liking you is the way to go.

Very neatly said.

^-.-^