h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi!

I'm not sure if there's anyone other than subscribed to this forum, but I'm hoping h2g2 will be a good source of friendly advice, so here goes...

I'm 29, and I'm just getting to grips with the fact that I am ... well, not straight. I reckon I'm about a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey Scale (which I'd never heard of till I read A570098), but it's early days really.

Thing is, I know at least a few people who'd be really supportive, and I'd kind of like to tell them. But do I say "I'm gay", or "I'm bisexual", or what? It seems like saying I'm bisexual is almost more complicated, because no-one really understands what it means, whereas gay is at least, well, definite. But I'm not definite, so,

Yeah, basically, I'm confused. I kind of want to talk to people about the fact that I'm confused, but I don't know what to say because I'm too confused.

I'm not sure any of that made any sense. I know everyone always says "oh, well, you don't need labels, be yourself" and all that; and that's fine - I think I'm getting to grips with who I am, personally, in my own time. But I can't quite work out how to describe that to someone else.


((se))

If a label fits you perfectly, you may as well embrace it. I'm gay cismale. That description fits me exactly. So I'll happily call myself gay cismale.

If none of the labels seem to fit you right, don't force them. You don't need to squeeze yourself into a box that doesn't suit you.

Compare: http://timothy.green.name/links/sex-is-not-the-enemy/ (Specifically the one marked "Sexual labels can be tricky".)

TRiG.

I'm in a similar position to TRiG in that I fully identify with gay and I have done since a young age. However I'm not a big fan of labels and this is exactly why: they can be pretty alienating for people who fall outside their boundaries.

Bisexual is a pretty broad label: I have friends who are Kinsey 2 and who are Kinsey 6 who use it for them and then they explain a bit more if they want to. There's also Questioning which some advocacy groups are using, becoming LGBTQ groups. Another friend simply uses 'not straight' for his sexuality because he doesn't like bi: you aren't compelled to use one of the Big 3 labels. Ultimately though labels are becoming less important - people don't often ask "What are you?" so bluntly and folk have generally got a better understanding of sexuality than they did even 10 years ago when I came out. You can explain a bit more and not just rely on the label and be pigeonholed. Another mate of mine, when figuring out his sexuality, liked to say he liked men, he just wasn't sure how much (turned out it was a *lot*).

Bear in mind as well that sexuality can and does shift through time and Kinsey isn't set in stone. Your friends are right as well, it is fine and you shouldn't worry: you'll figure it out and there's no race. Take your time, it's a big deal coming out as not straight at any age, so don't make things harder for yourself.

Good luck and welcome to M2M2 - it might seem dead but there's still a few of us lurking/subscribed.

Its not a fixed thing (at least IN my case)... Though I do remember 'wanting' to 'find' the right label, especially back when I figured out I wasn't exactly* straight... But as I've become more comfetable with my sexuality, and I guess just as time has passed, the label itself doesn't seem so important... So I've variously been straight, bi, gay, and though really I'm still bisexual, if I need a label I do tend to just use 'gay' now, as its towards that end very much I am, on whatever scale one wants to use, and its just a bit easier, though most people I know are aware I'm bisexual albeit more towards the gay end of things... It of course still varys, not just year to year, but to an extent day to day or week to week, its just a more fluid thing than most people seem to accept I guess its easier now, for me at least, as I've become more comfetable with my sexuality over the years, and, well, basically if anyone doesn't like it, they can go themselves

Right. I think I'm slowly getting to grips with this. It's all just a bit ... odd. Like it keeps squirming out of my grasp somehow.

I like that article on labelling everyone bisexual (or, rather, not) TRiG, I think that reassures me on one point which is that I didn't want to use the label "gay" and have people assume extremes that aren't the case, but that's kind of irrelevant if people disagree on what it means anyway. And yeah, who cares about labels; I do believe that really.

I think partly what I'm wondering too is whether it's a good idea to tell people about my sexuality when I'm still not really sure how to describe it? Is it better to wait until I have a better idea what to say, or should I try and talk it through with them?

Still not sure this is making any sense. Maybe because I'm asking questions that don't really mean anything. Oh, god, this is so confusing!


((se))

Sorry if this comes across as patronising or dismissive, it's not meant to be, I think that the confusion is a big part of coming out: how can you even ask the question if you aren't sure what words you want to use? How can you get answers if you can't frame a question?

As for whether to tell your friends - it depends on your friends and your relationship with them. Do you have friends who you usually talk to about sex and relationships? If you do, talking and going through all the messiness with them might be the way to go. If not it might be quite tricky to start the conversation and talk about such a tricky conversation and one that leaves you quite emotionally open and vulnerable. If you do start talking to friends about this, will it be a big shock? That might affect their reactions and you'd need to take that into account.

If you can't talk to friends are could you find a local LGBT social group where you might be able to hang out and talk to some people? Some things are easier to talk about to a stranger and at least you'd know it'd be people who've got an idea of what you're going through. Failing that there's always us internet nerds.

Patronising? Not at all! I think "confused" pretty much sums up what I'm feeling, and why I came on here in the first place (or, er, the second place ).

As for talking to friends, there's at least one person I think I could be quite open to - we've talked about some quite personal stuff in the past, but I think she might still be quite surprised at first. Problem is, I don't see her all that often, so I'll have to kind of engineer a situation where I can talk to her face to face. Maybe I'll just arrange to meet up with her and see if it feels right at the time.

*deep breath*

no hurry...


((se))

How about just saying you fancy birds and blokes? No label just like saying you fancy gingers and brunettes...no pidgeon holing merely stating a preference...but in your case...pretty much any one....tart...

If they ask so are you gay or bisexual just reply 'I fancy birds and blokes' why label how you feel about people...there isn't a word to describe the type of man a woman fancies or the type of woman a man fancies...

Yeah, I'm definitely coming round to the whole "to hell with labels" thing. I think part of my hang-up is "what if I'm wrong?" - what if I end up telling somebody I'm gay then deciding that actually I'm predominantly straight?

Without telling people exactly what I've been, ahem, up to with a certain male friend, a label seemed like useful shart-hand. But maybe "it turns out I fancy guys at least as much as gals" would sum up my current situation pretty well...


((se))

>>what if I end up telling somebody I'm gay then deciding that actually I'm predominantly straight?<<

Then you got it wrong - it happens all the time: no harm, no foul. I sometimes think about what'd happen in the (admittedly unlikely) event I fell for a woman and there's a bunch of things I worry about - telling my friends isn't one of them. They'll deal with it - that's what makes them friends.

I've got a mate who confuses the life out of people because he describes himself as gay and has been with a woman for the last decade. For him it's not women, it's her. His label, his relationship, his life: his decision on what it all means.

>>what if I end up telling somebody I'm gay then deciding that actually I'm predominantly straight?<<

Stephen Fry always says he's 90% gay..so you find realise you prefer boobs more than balls but still like the smaller lowe down bouncers...hey ho...does that mean you are more bisexual than gay or more straight than bisexual or more straight than gay?

I think if you like men and women then you aren't 'straight'...although 'predominantly straight'?

Although having said that I know a woman who has only ever been with one other woman and has said she wouldn't go with another woman becuase that woman was special so now you could say she was straight...unless she finds another 'special' woman...

" ... describes himself as gay and has been with a woman for the last decade ... "
" ... wouldn't go with another woman becuase that woman was special so now you could say she was straight ... "

So, in other words, "people are really ing complicated! join the club!"

I can't tell you how much this has all reassured me!


((se))

There's nowt so queer as folk, as they say

I tend to just describe myself as either 'gay', or 'gready' depending whom I'm talking too... even though I'm not 100% gay, but, its just 'easier'.... and its as close as any label and it seems to work, X% of the time anyhow... Mind, there's a few other terms people I know use for me... but I'm not sure they should be mentioned in public view
Problem is with labels, they're just artifical creations of language, and don't even remain static, and don't necessarily mean the same to one person, or one group of persons as it does to another person or group of persons... I sometimes use the term 'pansexual', but mainly just when I want to piss someone off or baffle them with a word they've probably not heard off
Mind, I think it even confused my Dad, recently, when telling him about William... and at some point mentioned william had a daughter from a long divorced marage, and then also having told him previoisly how William had been in a c civil partnership...
Wewll, I like mayo, but I don't want it all* the time hmmm... not sure that entirely workds as a err wahteveryoucallit...

>> What if I end up telling somebody I'm gay then deciding that actually I'm predominantly straight?

We have an entry for that: A595505.

TRiG.