h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*crosses his fingers*

[The scanning device beeps, revealing that a wad of PAG appears to have gotten stuck down his throat, thus resulting in ... er ... a complete lack of anything whatsoever.]

That is certainly a problem!

*Starts opening drawers*

Extra stethoscope, no good here. Forceps, a little large for this job. Scalpel, might need this. Needles and thread, I'll need this if I have to use the scalpel. Hacksaw, what is this doing here?!?

*Points to the other side of the room*

Irv, start looking over there for anything we can use to remove that PAG.

*eyes the crowbar and screwdrivers in a heap in the corner, thinks not*

[Yar persists in nothing whatsoever. A mechanical arm reaches out and grabs the hacksaw; a small panel in the wall suddenly lights up with the word "Woodworking", and then opens up to reveal a chute, into which the arm deposits the hacksaw. The panel closes up again.]

*Irv starts looking*

Remind me what PAG stands for, again? Would this improbably goofy looking device with tubes and suction be of any use?

*Holds up a Crater Labs, Inc. Thingomabob Model reverse 119, patent pending*

It doesn't have an orange button now, does it? I'll try to look up PAG in the onboard help system...

*starts fiddling with a keyboard, obviously not getting very far very quickly*

[A mechanical arm reaches out and bangs a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy against the wall. It drops to the floor, and starts explaining that PAG, short for Prolonged Absence Gum, is very useful when you need to be AFK for a while in an adventure thread and need an explanation for your character not saying anything in the interim.]

Oh, there's a button on the side of this thing that says "degummer." It should either remove the gum from his throat, or remove his gums. Which, you know, would greatly reduce his chances of gingivitis. What do you say I give it a whirl?

Anyone ever wonder if maybe this is how the show "Lost" gets written?

Never watched Lost

That's the only instrument we have that might fix this? Very well, hand it here.

*Takes the degummer and sticks it in Yar's mouth, presses the button*

*watches the degummer begin to work. As it truly gets going, Irv notices an instrument hanging on the wall behind the Doctor's head labeled "PAG Remover." It is a very simple instrument consisting of a suction cup on one end, and a bulb for creating the suction on the other, and a tube in the middle. It looks painless,and much less likely to cause permanent damage than the degummer. Irv wonders if he should mention this, but notices that the degummer already seems dedicated to the job.*

*has stayed unusually still and quiet during the whole procedure, shining eyes intent on Yar*

*Sees Irv looking at the wall behind him, turns and sees the the PAG remover. Turns back to the degummer*

Ummmm... Oops...

I do hope this thing works...

It is working, I hope as we intended.

Yar, can you hear me? Or is this going to be a reinactment of the Who's Tommy?

[There's an odd sort of "schloop" sound as the PAG is removed.]

[Yar] Er ... who *is* Tommy?

Yar! Welcome back! I was wondering who Tommy is also.

He's a deaf, dumb, and blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball.

Anyway, where to, Cap'n?