Cheese, Why It's Better Than You And Everything Else (UG)

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Official UnderGuide Entry Hello. The purpose of this entry is to prove through rational, logical argument that cheese is the best thing in the known universe. You may disagree but that just proves the argument as cheese never whinges in such a pathetic fashion. So there ...

Please feel free to challenge us to argue the superiority of cheese over anything. If You can beat us we will send you your own body weight in cheese (but not in the shape of your body).

A Cheese Is For Life, Not Just For Crackers...

Cheese (I Think)Cheese WhizzCheese and the Ever-shrinking Lunch BreakCheese Whiz - an American DelicacyI'm not sure this is relevent, but...Do YOU like cheese?The perfect cheese sauce???A Brief History Of Cheese

Cheese Vs Fridges

  1. You can't freeze to death inside a cheese sandwhich.
  2. You can refridgerate cheese, it is pointless refridgerating a fridge.
  3. You never get home from doing the shopping to find out you can't put any of it away until after you have cleared out the three tonnes of cabbage your well meaning next door neighbours have given you fresh from the allotment but has now gone rotten, from the cheese. This is frequently the case with a fridge.
  4. The fridge keeps the whole of mankind in a constant state of suspicion about whether the light really goes out when you close the door, it is however a well known fact that cheese rarely even has a light and therefore contributes less to the sinister aura of worldwide paranoia.
  5. Fridges require large amounts of electricity to run and many older models produce large volumes of C.F.C's thus contributing to global warming. Cheese is more ecologically friendly and cannot be blamed for drowning penguins.

Cheese Vs The Mafia

  1. The Mafia will kill us for saying cheese is better than it. Cheese is relatively well mannered.
  2. The Mafia are purveyors of drive by shootings. The only involvement of cheese in drive by shooting is Swiss cheese being the victim of.
  3. The Mafia is the largest criminal organisation on the planet. Cheese is only involved with relatively small organisations.
  4. Cheese tastes nicer than .22 calibre slugs in the brain.
  5. The Mafia smuggle tonnes of heroin around the world and sell it to people. Cheese does not do this. We think ...

Cheese Vs Kangaroos

  1. Kangaroos will punch you when narked. Cheese is virtually impossible to irritate in such a fashion.
  2. Kangaroos come from Australia, need we say more?
  3. Cheese does not make a habit of interrupting your early childhood by continuously finding people trapped down wells/the old mine/over cliffs/Mr Johnsons barn which has mysteriously caught fire, unlike kangaroos who seem to feed on trouble (probably engineering it for their own glorification).
  4. Cheese never has irritating theme music.
  5. The word kangaroo means "I don't understand" and comes from the aboriginal reply to the question "what the hells that huge bouncing rabbit" posed by a white European settler too stupid to realise that the aborigines never having any contact with any other culture would probably not understand English no matter how loud he shouted. Cheese just means cheese.

Cheese Vs The Moon

  1. The moon claims to be made of cheese but isn't, cheese is made of cheese but is modest enough not to go around boasting about it.
  2. Man has been to the moon (supposedly). Such long and tiring journeys are rarely required to reach cheese (except on bank holidays but you should have got some before anyway).
  3. There is a man in the moon. There is not a man in cheese, which would be unhygienic.
  4. The moon is rather large, cheese is far more portable, easily transported on a slice of toast for example.
  5. Sometimes the moon obscures our view of the sun, cheese always stays clear of obstructing our solar viewing pleasure.

Cheese Vs Communism

  1. Communism is a great idea but will almost definitely never work, Cheese is a really bad idea which works wonderfully.
  2. Communism has been used as a disguise for blatant fascist dictatorships. Cheese has nothing to hide.
  3. Cheese is good on toast. Communism is not.
  4. People get very judgmental and scared about communism. Cheese is seldom a cause of fear.
  5. People don’t like communism even though (mostly because) they don’t really know what it really is. Cheese can be enjoyed freely despite complete ignorance of it’s nature.

Cheese Vs Santa

  1. Santa is a big fat guy with a beard and jolly disposition. Cheese is not.
  2. Toasting cheese on an open fire is good fun for the whole family at Christmas. Toasting Santa in this fashion results in much hostility, lack of presents. ABuddhist-style good karma love Santa.nd much singeing of beard.
  3. Santa is flown around on a flying sledge by magical reindeer. Spotting cheese in transit seldom results in neck strain or the belief that someone slipped you L.S.D.
  4. Cheese does not require the leaving of sherry and crackers on the mantelpiece.
  5. Cheese rarely leaves you tasteless hand knitted socks/jumpers/musical underpants/Celine Dion’s greatest hits wrapped in only slightly less tasteless coloured paper to give it the impression of being something you will enjoy.
  6. Cheese never comes in at 4:00 am in the morning with cheap sherry on it’s breath after visiting everyone's bedroom on the planet.

Cheese Vs Cricket

  1. Cheese is at least comprehensible on some level or other.
  2. We never get beaten at cheese by the West-Indies/ Pakistan/Australia or indeed by everybody.
  3. Cheese is not the primary cause of rain in our country. It invariably rains every time anybody anywhere plays cricket ever.
  4. Cheese is never thrown at 103 miles per hour with an anti clockwise spin into your groin (except in some very rare circumstances which are unavoidable).
  5. Cheese never causes annoyance to your next door neighbours due to broken windows/greenhouse/car/cat/grandmother etc.

Cheese Vs God

  1. The existence of God is highly debatable and impossible to conclusively prove/disprove. Cheese is a certainty.
  2. More and bloodier wars have been caused by god than anything other than the babel-fish. The only war caused by cheese was fought in Barnsley, lasted for five minutes and resulted in merely a broken nose and a sprained ankle.
  3. Cows do not believe in the existence of God. Cheese gives them a reason to live.
  4. God has the decision of weather you go to heaven or hell; depending on if you have led a good and proper life. Cheese will never send you to hell.
  5. Cheese will never smite you.

Cheese Vs Semtex

  1. You can’t get semtex with holes in it (for white mice to live in).
  2. Cheese won’t give you such bad indigestion.
  3. Semtex may accidentally explode in your face. Cheese is not this fickle.
  4. It is easier to get cheese through customs.
  5. Most of the worlds stock of semtex is in the hands of terrorists. Cheese is easier to obtain.

Cheese Vs Winston Churchill

  1. Winston Churchill was an incredibly ugly individual. Cheese is for more aesthetically pleasing (unless sculpted into the shape of Winston Churchill).
  2. Winston Churchill Gallipolli campaign was a huge military f**k up. Cheese never makes any military mistakes.
  3. Winston Churchill was a nasty conniving little scum bag who let to Lusitania get sunk to further the war effort.
  4. Winston Churchill made V-signs at everybody. Cheese never makes rude hand gestures.
  5. Winston Churchill was voted out of power after WW2. Cheese has always been popular with the electorate.

Cheese Vs The Royal Family

  1. Cheese never freeloads off the tax-paying public.
  2. Cheese never says embarrassing things in public.
  3. The Royal family gets into universities with out any qualifications. Cheese never sneaks into academia in such an under hand fashion.
  4. The Royal family irritates their children by “ruling” for an improbable length of time. Cheese does not irritate it’s children in this (or any other) fashion.
  5. The Royal family resides in huge palaces/mansion etc. Cheese requires only a humble fridge.

Cheese Vs Extraterrestrials

  1. Cheese will not abduct you.
  2. Cheese will never mutilate cattle; it is merely a product of
    A green and scary monster
  3. Cheese rarely becomes involved in secret government conspiracies.
  4. ET ran up Elliot’s phone bill to astronomical levels (excuse the pun (or not)). Cheese rarely performs this act.
  5. Cheese never invades the earth and will continue to co-exist peacefully with the rest of the population.

Cheese Vs Technology

  1. Cheese will never become self aware and destroy it’s creators.
  2. Cheese will not stop working for no reason.
  3. To share cheese, you do not need a modem.
  4. A photocopier and a repair man
  5. Cheese will not keep you waiting just because it can.
  6. Cheese will not criticise your spelling and grammar in a manner that makes it blindingly obvious it knows nothing of either.

Cheese Vs Frogs

  1. Frogs are found splattered on the roadside in an unsavoury fashion, cheese is nearly always savoury.
  2. Frogs gone on and on about "Ribbet's" whatever they are. Cheese never goes on about anything.
  3. Frogs advocate drunkenness (not that I'm against that but LAGER!!! damn them).

  4. Cheese does not make a mess of your pond by procreating in an untidy fashion.
  5. Cheese is a pleasant addition to scones. Frogs aren't.

Cheese Vs Rocks

  1. Early man made fire by banging the rocks together. Cheese is a sign of significant advances in civilisation.
  2. Rocks erode over time. Cheese matures and becomes nicer over time.
  3. When molten cheese comes into contact with human civilisation much yummy cheesy niceness ensues. Molten rock brings only burning death.
  4. Lack of rocks would result in no-one ever having to study geology ever again, this would make the majority of the earth's population happier and lower the work load of geology students everywhere. Lack of cheese would cause only pain suffering and a loss of the will to live.
  5. Castles built from rock will eventually be destroyed during siege warfare. Castles made from cheese rebound trebuchet and canon fire and avoid any possibility of the defenders being starved into surrender.

Cheese Vs The Dalai Lama

  1. The Dalai Lama is highly enlightened, cheese does not have its enlightenment publicised and is thus much more modest.
  2. The Dalai Lama spends much of his time in silent contemplation, Cheese spends all of its time in silent contemplation.
  3. The Dalai Lama wears lots of orange (and admittedly looks pretty damn hot with it), cheese is entirely orange (except under special circumstances which can only be better), I rest my case.
  4. The Dalai Lama does not make a delicious lunch time snack and if placed in a cob would cause much woe amongst the Buddhist world. Cheese has never caused any woe in the world of Buddhism, by being on a cob or otherwise.
  5. Cheese is always there when you need it (if not you obviously forgot to buy some and are a fool). The Dalai Lama is very hard to get hold of.

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