h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jeff: So, Master B. This must be very disappointing for you. The first h2g2 football game you have been in with a chance of winning, only to be pipped at the post at your arch rival.

B: It's pathetic, Jeff, is what it is. Greece raised their game just because Egon's the sort of specky tosspot you feel sorry for. The League chair was obviously bribed and all the referees wanted the underdogs to win. I tell you what, I would love it if we beat them next season. I WOULD F**KING LOVE IT!

Jeff: Ah. But, disregarding your bizarre Kevin Keegan impression, what do you think lost the game for you?

B: I don't want to blame individuals, Jeff, but I blame Jorge Andrade. His moment of madness in the semi-final cost me not only 2 points for the own goal, but also 3 points for the clean sheet. With those on board, we'd have been home and dry.

Jeff: Do you think it reflects the managerial naivete that there are only two Greek players in the entire Phantasy Phootball league?

B: Indeed I do, Jeff. When you look at the number of top players who have not scored - Vieira, Pauleta, Seedorf, Allback, Makalele, there must be lots of managers who must be regretting chances gone begging.

Jeff: So, have you got a message of congratulation for the winning side?

B: No. Bo**ocks to them.

B

*Jeff Stelling stands in a hotel bar surrounding by celebrating players and supporters of Brett Angell's All Star XI Rides Again. Antonios Nikopolidis is onto his seventh bottle of champagne, and appears to be wearing Edgar Davids' glasses, while MArek Jankulovsky has his arm round Zinedine Zidane and his slurring "Zizou, you're my beshtesht friendf in the whole world, you know that*

Jeff: Good morning, I'm Jeff Stelling and this is Sky Sports News, the oficial 24 hour sports news channel of Phantasy Phootball Euro 2004. I'm...

Team, conducted by Egon: One Antonios Nikopolidis
There's Only one Antonios Nikopolidis
One Antonio Nikopolidis
There's only one Antonios Nikpolodis!

Jeff, shouting to be heard: HERE IN THE HOTEL BEING USED BY THE BRETT ANGELL ALL-STAR XI RIDES AGAIN DURING THIS TOURNAMENT, NEAR ESTADIO DA ESCUIMENTAO ETERNO*, THE SCENE OF THEIR GREAT TRIUMPH OVER SPORTING LESBIANS

Team: Who the fk are Sporting Lesbian!
Who the fk are Sporting Lesbian!
Who the fk are Sporting Lesbian!

Jeff, now screaming: THE SENSATIONAL PERFORMANCE BY ANTONIOS NIKOPOLIDIS SINCE HE WAS DRAFTED IN TO REPLACE OLIVER KAHN HAS BEEN A MAJOR PART OF THIS LATE SURGE, HASN'T IT, EGON?

Egon: They're coming home, they're copming home, they're coming
Brett Angell's All-Star XI's coming home, they're coming home...

Jeff: Oh, for God's sake man, shiut up for five minutes, so I can ask you a question will you.

Egon: Oh, sorry Jeff, didn't see you there. How are you?

Jeff: Very good. Now, a surprise triumph for your team here, despirte losing such players as Totti, Kahn, Materazzi, Carragher and others at a very early stage, and with only Figo and Nikopolidis in the final

Egon: Well, yes, jeff, but fortunately the lad Nikopolidis did the job in the final, and I'm saying that's what counts

*In the background, a loud vomiting is heard, and David Trezeguet falls off the table he had been dancing on*

Jeff: Tyhe way you came across Nikopolidis is interesting

Egon: well, yes. Ollie Kahn, the German keeper, had played the group games, but was eliminated, although he did pick up four points. I then bid for David James, but was outbid.

Jeff: So how did you settle on Nikopolidis?

Egon: well, he was the only first choice goalkeeper available, and although others were going for second, or even third choices, I thought it would be wiser to have someone who would at least be on the pitch, and I hoped the Greeks might only lose on penalties to France after a 0-0 draw. I never imagioned the man would keep three clean sheets to win the PP Golden Boot and propel us to the title.

Jeff: Who had you backed for the title?

Egon: Pre-tournament, I would have gone for Quem comeu todas as tortas?, managed by my good friend Otto Fisch,a nd they did make the earely running of course, before the big stars all fell down.

Jeff: And then of course, Master B's Sporting Lesbian took on the mantle and looked odds on until Nikopolidis' heroics for you. Do you have anything to say to that team, whose manager has been less than complimentary about yourself

Egon: yes, I...

*Pavel Nedved walks past camera swigging from a bottle of retsina, and belches in Jeff's face*

Egon: PAVEL!

Pavel: Sorry, Boss

Jeff: so, a messgae for Sporting LEsbian?

Egon: Ah, yes,

*Adopts macho pose, bellows into mic*

Egon: ANDREAS ISAKSSON, ANDREAS JAKOBSSON, WILLIAM GALLAS, RENE BOLF, JORGE ANDRADE, RUI COSTA, DAVID BECKHAM, PHILLIP COCU, MANICHE, HENRIK LARSSON, EBBE SAND, BEN BATESON, PETER BEAGRIE, BRIAN LAWS, ALEX CALVO-GARCIA, ODO, MASTER B, YOU'RE BOYS TOOK ONE HELL OF A BEATING!

*Whole squad start bouncing and singing:

Egon and squad:
Who the fk are Sporting Lesbian!
Who the fk are Sporting Lesbian!
Who the fk are Sporting Lesbian!

Jeff: Frrom me, Jeff Stelling, in Lisbon, overa nd out!


*=Stadium of Eternal Darkness

Do you mean, after two years of being nagged, that you've only remembered the names of two Scunthorpe players?

B

Wel, McLean's not there anymore is he? Um, is there a Carruthers?

Walked out on us last summer.

B

Ah. Groves, paul groves. is he still there?

Nope.

B

Well, he didn't last long, did he?

Well, he was a bit old.

But not as old as Richard Gough, who I've signed for East Fife in the 2004-05 season, at the ripe old age of 43.

B

I've managed to nurse three players to fifty on CM-

Big Nev
Alan Shearer
Aldair

Witht he exception of Big Nev, they'd all been made coaches elsewhere before retiring, so had never actually retired as players. Shearer scored twenty goals for me at fifty.

But 43's nothing- I had an average age for my first team of about 40 once.

How on earth do you get them that old???

To balance out Goughy, I've a 13-year-old Malian playing up front.

B

Sometimes, if a player is made a coach beforer he announces "i'm going to retire at the end of the season", the game just seems to forget about them. With Big nev, he was well over 40 at the start of the game, and playing in the scottish lower leagues. Aldair had the coaching thing, he was 47 whern I got him, he'd been coaching Roma. Shearer had been amde manager of Reading when Newcastle released him- he was about 40 or 41 then, but when Reading sacked him five or six years later, i was in there.

So keep an eye on players who become coaches/managers, and check to see if they've still got player details.

I still prefer the teenage players myself.

The latest CM01/02 update has Freddy Adu in at the beginning, aged 12!

B

Don't the older players lose all stamina and only last about 30 minutes though? I usually play a pressing game, so stamina's usually kind of fundamental.

Yeah, ditto.

B