h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[With a stunning view of a brick wall with fire ants crawling all over it. Some appear to be getting into the room....
There is a strong smell of wet dog/smelly socks and damp matresses combined.
You get the impression that until perhaps recently a tramp was living in this room]


[Walks in and inspects the room]

Ah, just like home. I could make a fair few complaints here

*Backs into room without so much as a by-your-leave and places a tray with a huge steaming mug of tea on the bedside cabinet. Next to the mug of tea is a sugar bowl and milk jug. Next to the milk jug is a small vase with a single specimen rose with a single water drop on its leaf and beside that is a plate piled high with chocolate biscuits.*
Compliments of the management!
*Helps self to three biscuits.*
I wondered if you had any comments on your room?

Well I am impressed by how truly hideous this smell is

Sorry, that'll be my vest.

It has secret powers so I can't wash it.

No this is good, what else can I complain about otherwise?

You haven't tried the bed yet, have you?
Or the wardrobe... or the trouser press... or the kettle... or the shower.

You'll be... over the moon after that lot.

Really? Better than the fire ants?

[slaps at the ones biting him]

*Examines fire ants and rubs one on the vest.*
Probably. The fire ants are painful but not normally lethal.

Oh really?

[examines the bed]

Are the blood stains and extra sevice you do then?

*Looks at blood stains with puzzlement.*
They're not very fresh are they?
Wait here while I get a new mattress sent up.

*Hauls a huge lumpy mattress up the narrow staircase*



You asked for a mattress sir?

Is it the one with the fresh bloodstains?

Yes sir, as fresh as possible *examines bandaged fingers*. I hope it's to your liking.

You shold see a doctor about that.
*hefts mattress onto bed and disarranges the bed clothes.*
How's that?

*Mumbles* no no, I'm fine *hides hands behind back*

Will you cheer up if we go 50:50 on the tip?-

*pokes head in* Hullo? *overcome by odours, passes out in hallway*

Oh!


*Rushes over* Y'alright ma'am?

*Fills bucket of water and wanders into the hallway. Stands poised with bucket held ready to swing.*
Stand back Lady P. This'll bring her round.

*Stands back*