h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sighs heavily*

Oh man!

*Tries to set up a diversion.*

Hey Begader! Look over there *points away from Penny* at the salmon jumping out of the pelican's mouth, trying to catch that fly.

*With the combined help of Affy and Garius manages to retrieve her satchel and is now checking its contents*

*To herself* Water, good... ooh, my book, wouldn't want to lose that... pocket knife, might come in handy... ho hum... hey, what's that?


Um, you mentioned something about some antigrowth formula earlier, right?

Yeah. Through here.

*Waves through the air duct entrance. Notes that the Begader has started to dance to the Beer Barrel Polka. This looks very, very disturbing*

Yeah, it's just that apparently I've got this stuff *holds up a can of spray with a picture of a big on it*


Backyard Laboratory's
An-T-Grow™

Gets mutant ants, cockroaches and other beasties back to managable size in mere seconds!!!

New & Improved Formula!

NEW - Extra-safe child-proof cap


Not sure why I have that actually... is it any good?

Hmmm....possibly....seems a bit like a one-post solution, though. Those don't always work against CLI monsters.

(Er... as surprising as that might be, knowing me and that whole 'continuity' business, I actually thought about that - which is why if you read the lable you can see there's a couple of holes. The company sounds pretty dodgy, for a start; then there's the whole ant thing - no mention it could work for something like a begader; and of course there's the dreaded child-proof cap. I was just looking to complicate things a bit before shooting into the labyrinth... I mean, me, try to solve anything? Come on! Anyway, do you want to go with this or should we just disregard that bit and say that I finally pulled myself together and ran to the heating vent?)

I was just building the dramatic tension, that's all. Sorry. Use the spray on the Begader, and we'll see how that goes.

*The Begader notices the can in Penny's hand. His eyes light up and he licks his lips, then starts to advance on Penny.*

Hmmmmm. Unusual reaction. I wonder if feeding him spray cheese was such a good idea. Mind you, it allowed us to feed him and not get near his cage, but it seems to have given him an unhealthy attraction to spray cans. At his current size, however, I don't think he'll stop at just the can.

*The Begader opens his mouth wide as he gets near Penny.*

*Tries to open the can. Fails. Reads the instructions again. Tries again. Fails again. Panics*

!!!

*Throws the can at the begader without opening it and s the other way*

*The Begader catches the can in one of its eight paws. It tries to take off the lid. Fails. Peers at the instructions, then tries again. The lid pops off. Turns and grins smugly at the retreating Penny.

Eats the lid, then opens his mouth, points the spray into it and presses the button. Nothing happens. Looks at can. Shakes can. Tries again. Nothing happens. Shrugs and pops the whole can in his mouth. Swallows. Burps.

Looks around for something else to eat. Eyes stop on Penny.*

*Assesses the situation:
She needs to get to the other side of the room.
Blocking her way is a very large, very mean and very hungry bedager, that seems to look at her like a pre-luncheon snack.
Having lost the An-T-Grow spray - whatever good it might have been - the most weapon-like thing she has is a Swiss Army Knife, which probably isn't a very good thing to use against said bedager.
Time is running short*

Oh, this is ridiculous!

...



Of course - why didn't I think of that before? When things get ridiculous on you, beat them at their own game!

*Begins skipping around the bedager in a rather silly manner, far enough not to get snatched and eaten but close enough to be pretty annoying*

*Confusion Song(TM):*

Confuse confuse confuse!
Confuse confuse confuse!

Lalalalala confuse confuse
Lalalalala conf----*dodges a blow of the bedager's tail* Whoa there!

Confuse confuse confuse!
Co-hon-fu-hoo-hoo-huse confuse!

Lalala----*dodges a bite* missed me!
Lalalalala confuse confuse
Lalalalala confuse confuse
Lalalalalalalalalalala CONFUSE! *Dives into the heating vent with a final flourish*

Phew!

Well done, Penny! I've never seen anything quite like that! Although, er, I'm not sure exactly what you did - I'm a bit confused.

That was the confusion dance, it usually works pretty well against ridiculous circumstances.



Right then, where to now?

The chem lab, so that we can stop this thing's growth before our two hours are up.

PA SPEAKER-Warning! Core meltdown in 50 minutes!

Affy-And we should probably think about solving that little problem too.

Core meltdown? You've got a nuclear reactor in here or something? I mean, what do you need a-------you know what, never mind, I don't need to know.

Let's just get away from the beastie, shall we? *Steps further back from the opening in order to be out of reach of the bedager's paws*

Aw, we've got 50 minutes! We never attend to imminant core meltdowns until the last few minutes. Keeps us sharp. Of course, we do have to keep our nervous-impending-doom looks in practice.



There, how was that?

Okay, to the Chem labs, then. I believe that is west, west, west, up, southwest from here, isn't it, Affy?

*Attempts a nervous-impending-doom look*



How was that? A bit too damsel-in-distress-ish, no?

It's not bad, really. I looked about the same when I was on the Starship Esirpretne as it crashed onto Earth.

Now then, I think that's how you start on the path....I can never remember how to finish it, though. E, s, se? Wait, are we trying to get to the Cyclops Room or the Beneath The Grating?

Oh, and as for the reactors....we use those, and we also use geothermal energy, solar energy, wind energy, robots on treadmills (which I STILL say is counterproductive), steam energy, lemon energy, and good, old-fashioned coal. And a few things that we got from other planets....but the government isn't ready for us to tell them about that part yet.

Right - damsel-in-distress it is...

Lead the way!

Well, Affy, I was thinking of the battery room, en route to the chem lab, of course.

*Takes the west exit from this junction and finds himself, as expected, in a maze of twisty passages all alike. Takes the west exit from the next juction, too.*

Hey Affy, I don't remember writing that.

*Points to a message scratched on the wall. It reads "Abandon hope"*