h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Scene: The entrance to CLI. SFX: CLI background. Enter YK and Link]

[YK] Hey, Affy? GL?

[Silence, except for the CLI background]

[Link] Maybe we should check the Atelier...

[YK] [loud enough to get everyone's attention] NO!!!

*Affy dashes down the stairs*

YK, the whole Atelier heard you! Anyway, what's up?

*GL runs down after Affy.*

[YK] I was expressing my opinion of the idea that we go to the Atelier to look for you.

[Link] Isn't that getting /kinda/ off topic?

[YK] Oh. Right. Anyway, Link and I were thinking that in five and a half years, we're going to need an airtight cover for Zelda when she's disguised as Sheik.

[Link] And I came up with the idea of using a Transformation Mask, after I considered /how/ Sheik turned into Zelda.

[Navi] Hey! {That was MY idea!}

[Link] Let's not split hairs, okay?

[YK] I'm thinking, if we put our skills together, we could probably come up with a Transformation Mask that'll do the job quick enough.

[Link] I've made some guesses about Sheik's measurements, since "he" didn't give me any. [pulls a data card out of ... wherever he keeps his items when he's not using them ] What we need should be in here.

*Affy looks over the information for a few moments*

Well, I know one thing that we could do. We could use the TRC to travel five years into the future, and then capture Shiek's image. With Shiek's image in tow, we could travel back to the past, and have Zelda cast a Yonked Snavig spell at the image we have. Zelda will then look exactly like this Shiek person until the spell is dispelled.

Wow. I almost stayed totally within Zork technology there.

[Link and YK ponder this]

[YK] Well, I was hoping for a /mask/ that transforms someone, like the way Link turns into a deku scrub and Darmani and the Fierce Deity and Mikau with (respectively) the Deku Mask, the Goron Mask, the FD Mask, and the Masque of Zora.

[Link] Also, a) we don't want Zelda to know about this yet (she wouldn't approve yet), and b) she doesn't know a Yonked Snavig spell.

[YK] Incidentally, I'm starting to get things provided for in the event that I'd want to go completely underground. I've gone to the Land of Nowhere, Elbert went to the Kingdom of Balwyniti, Link and Zelda are going back to Hyrule, and Janine's just posted at CHOPPERS HQ. I want all of them prepared for that sort of thing. Is anything in CLI available for that sort of thing?

Eh? What do you mean by "Go Underground"?

Anyway, if you want a mask, I know how to go about doing that. All I would need to do is find a mask of some sort, and then imbue it with a Yonked Snavig spell that had already been cast at this person.

[YK] By "go underground" I mean "hide from pretty much everyone except those who are hiding me." And what exactly does the Yonked Snavig spell do? Does it just make the subject /look/ like the person they're disguised as, or does it give them the physical strength, weight, abilities, and disposition of whoever they're transforming into?

[Link] Do we need all that?

[YK] No, but it /would/ be nice, especially if we wanted to make another one. Why?

[Link] Well, because Sheik never actually demonstrated any physical strength, weight, or abilities. And since we don't know that kind of thing for Princess Zelda, Age 17, we don't know if we /need/ to change anything at all.

The Snavig spell will cause a person to transform into a perfect duplicate (with the exception of intelligence, although it does copy things like telepathy) of whoever the spell is cast at. so yes, it would give you strength, weight, dexterity, and all of that stuff. I was once a grouper, as a matter of fact....

Oh, and the Yonk spell is pretty much just a spell that juices up the powers of many other spells. So, a Yonked Snavig spell would make the transformation more permanant. It usually only lasts for a few minutes otherwise.

But with a mask, it would last until the mask is removed.

[Link] Perfect!

[YK] Could you teach me how to do Yonk and Snavig? Or do I just need to know the words?

Sorry, YK. These are Zorkish spells, and if you're going to try and memorize something like Snavig and Yonk, you need to start small. Gnusto and Frotz would probably be the easiest. I give it a few months before you would definitely have those memorized. However, I can give you some spell scrolls. Spell scrolls make the casting of spells much simpler, although you can only cast them once.

*Affy thinks back to the spells that he has totally memorized and does not need his spell book for. Then, he decides to head to the CLI Spell Labs to see if he can get any of the spells that YK would need*

Let's see, you'll need Yonk, Snavig, and an imbuer....

[YK] Couldn't you just give me a Magic Book like they have in RPG's that instantaneously teaches me how to use them? That always works.

[Link] Is that what that book, "First Level Limit Breaks for Dummies", was about?

[YK] [smacks own forehead] You read it, didn't you?

[Link] Er, yeah. And now I know "Spinning Blade" as a Limit Break ...

Ooh, sorry YK, no can do. Magic spells, spell books, and spell scrolls work differently in Zork than in most other RPG/Adventure games. Many spells require training, preferably a few years of knowledge spent at GUE Tech, or some of the other prestegious moss-league schools of the empire. People who graduate are then easily accepted for Apprenticeship at the various Enchanter's Guilds across the lands.

Anyway, let me give you a few basic pointers. To start with, there are basically three parts to every Zorkish spell: Presence, Incantation, and Unusual Effect. First the magical pressence must be made available to the Enchanter through some means (whether by simply being contained in a wand or in a spell scroll, or gathered from the very air and earth surrounding the spell caster). Then, the incantation (the utterance of a magic word, or words, various hand gestures, certain thought processes, etc.). And then, you get the result of your spell (the Unusual Effect).

So, an absolute basic spell casting would be like this....

*Affy whips out a wand*

This is the Wand of Frobozz, one of the most infamous wands throughout Zorkish history. I managed to wrest it away from the senile Wizard of Frobozz (with a little help, I'll admit). Anyway, this wand contains the presence. Now, the incantation.

*Affy points the wand at YK, and mutters a word the begins with the letter 'F'. YK is suddenly floating ten feet above the ground*

And there is the unusual effect.

BTW, sorry if this all seems redundant, but keep in mind: every student of Zorkish magic starts out this way. And I don't intend to just give away the most prized secrets of Quendor.

[YK] Oh bloody blue blazes. Anyway, will the mask "disappear" when it transforms the person who's wearing it?

[Link] And are there any spells that just change someone's appearance?

*Sigh*

You people have obviously never read my steadily growing list of spells and powers....

Anyway, I can make the mask dissapear when it's being worn, and yes, there are spells that can change people's appearance. Let's see....there's Snavig (change caster's shape to that of specified target), of course, then there's Bayala (bodily deformation), Cleesh (change creature into a small amphibian), Conbak (build strong bodies twelve different ways), Fweep (turn caster into a bat), Liskon (causes living things to shrink), Musdex (bodily deformation),....I could go on like this for a while. In other words, yes to both questions.

*Watches YK eventually float back down to the ground as the spell wears off*

[YK] I'm reading it, I'm reading it!

[Link] I meant more like an illusion, but we don't need that.

[YK] You should add that ... Girgol, I think it was, is only useable once per adventure.

Oh, I've got lots of those. Girgol, Filfre, Kulcad, Aimfiz,....some spells are just too powerful for a spell book to contain. But I'll get around to adding extra notes, etc.

Now, for an illusion....yes, I could do that, but it'll take some time.

[Link] Well, we don't need one.

[YK] Affy, I think the way to get an image of Sheik for the Snavig spell would be to go forward in time five and a half years to immediately before Link's seventeenth birthday ... which is when he wakes up from his first 7-year nap ... ... and immediately after walking out of the Temple of Time, he meets Sheik ... ... and we take the image from that ...

[Link] Let me guess. Getting /that/ image of Sheik will create a Berman's Paradox*.

[YK] Well, we'll go with what works!

[*Footnote: Rick Berman is the producer of Star Trek, which comes up with irrational time: event A causes event B to happen, which goes back in time and causes event A to happen, which causes event B to happen, which -- and so on ad infinitum. After very little thought, this whole idea is totally ridiculous. However, in Star Trek, this seems to be capable of working, and in fact it has formed the basis of several episodes of DS9 and VGR.]

Yes, we are not unfamiliar with the Berman's Paradox. While I don't always tinker around with Star Trek Temporal Dynamics, I think we can pre-set this conversation to respond to them.