h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*L had been thinking about something completely different...*

L: What? Oh, yes, E? What is it? Sorry... I was thinking about Seriy... I can't help but worry about him... He has to be careful that Bond doesn't find him...

*At this point, L bumps into a tall men with a sympathetic face...*

L: Pete! ...excuse me for a second, E... I'll be right back...

*L shakes hands vigorously, and starts asking about Pete's family and friends... After a while, they say good bye and part... L returns to E...*

L: A very good friend of mine... Now, what were we talking about? Ah, you wanted to tell me something... What is it?

*E looks at Liebe... She really hated having to tell him this...*

Erm... It's about Bond...

*E trys to look Liebe in the eye...*

He's going to find me...

...But I don't want him too...not anymore...

*Smiles reassuringly at E*

L: Oh, no, E... Don't you worry... You're perfectly safe here... Bond will never find this place... And even if he did, you'd be safe with me...

Don't be afraid... I know this is all a little sudden, being so deep under the ocean and stuff, but, as I said, you're safe... Bond won't find the way here because of the ocean...

*he continues, trying to comfort E...*

You don't understand... He *will* find me...and it's my fault...

*E looks very upset at the thought of this...*


He'll easily find me... There's a homing device in one of my shoes... That's how he'll find us... It's still not too late though...

*L's jaw drops open, and he stops in mid-word...*

L: There's a... A what?

*Suddenly, he leaps into action...*

L: Quick... We must go to the lab... Give me that shoe...

*bows down to get the shoe... Realises he doesn't know which shoe... Then he realises it'd be uncomfortable for E to run without a shoe...*

L: Well, keep it for now... Come...

*They run to one of the buildings with unidentified purpose, and after L enters a code, they enter... A elevator takes them down, then another up, but to a different location... They emerge in a big room, all in white, looking like some very advanced lab...*

L: Which shoe is it?

*...L shouts... E gives it to him, and he hurries to a man in a white coat, the only other person in the room...*

L: Look, Doc, there's a homing device in this... What can we do?

D: Let me see...

*He quickly runs some tests...*

D: Well... We could block the signal alright, but then they will still know about the last position of the signal...

L: You mean...

D: Yes, we put that shoe in a vessel which carries it away as far as possible and explodes...

*The Doc presses a yellow button, and something closely resembling a torpedo descends from the ceiling... They put the shoe inside, and put the device into something closely resembling a torpedo shaft... They close the shaft, and the Doc presses a red button... A strange sound is heard from inside the shaft...*

D: Well... That's taken care of... Would you excuse me... I must stear that torpedo somewhere...

L: Let's go, E...

*E follows Liebe, feeling incredibly guilty...*

I didn't want it to end up like this... I'm sorry...

*L tries to be angry at E, but finds it impossible to do... He just looks very, very sad...*

L: Well... It was not your fault, I suppose... Anyway, the danger's over now... Thank you for telling me before Bond found us...

*They return to the main street by the way they came... It's got rather late, and there aren't many people in the streets...*

L: If you're tired, I could show you were you can sleep...

*E desperately tried to think of a way she could make Liebe smile... Perhaps if she explained about why she told him...*

I didn't have to tell you about it, you know...

*E got the impression that this wasn't what Leibe wanted to hear...but she carried on anyway...*

I could have let Bond find me, and take me away from all of this... But I didn't... I don't *want* him to find Atlantis...

*E avoids looking at Liebe as she adds quietly...*

I don't want him to take me away from you...

*L looks up at E in surprise, then suddenly becomes very red and looks away...*

L: I'm sorry, E... You're right... Well... I thank you in the name of all the inhabitants of Atlantis, for saving their home...

*...more quietly...*

L: ...and in my own name... For what you said...

*Saying this, he blushes even more... He tries to cover his embarassment...*

L: Well... What would you like to do now? Shall I show you the engines, as I promised, or would you like to have some rest?

*E was a little tired, but nevertheless she wanted to see the engines... She was...intrigued...*

*Meanwhile, it's garbage time at the trash dumpster where Afgncaap5, the plot following corpse currently resides. All the trash is dumped into a machine that begins to take him to the engine room for his, erm, cremation*

*Liebe takes E's hand and walks to an elevator bank. All he can think about is that E's hand is in his. They take the elevators down for a short time and exit into a corridor. Walking down the corridor, they pause as a trash shuttle trundles by. Liebe catches sight of a familiar looking shoe in the trash, but just then the shuttle lurches a little towards them and Liebe is thrown into E. They linger over the accidental embrace, and Liebe moves slowly to kiss E, looking in her eyes for approval.*

*As the garbage truck turns a sharp corner, Affy's body is flung backwords (somehow) into the trunk of the tour bus. What dumb luck, eh?*

*E and Liebe are startled from their embrace by the sound of approaching footsteps. A messenger comes up to them and informs them that Volk would like to see them right away to discuss several serious matters. They make their way as quickly as possible to Volk's office. Volk smiles at them, gets them drinks and begins to speak.*

I have been thinking about our plans for bringing peace and cooperation to the world and I have realized that I have made a grave error. The time is not yet right for the world population to accept such a state, and probably will not be right for another generation. They are too attached to their violent ways and narrow nationalistic feelings to accept a world of harmony. I was wrong to try to precipitate such a change too soon and I have decided to abandon my further plans. It will be up to you, Liebe, sometime in the future to carry out such plans for the betterment of the world.

That was the first matter I wanted to talk to you about. The second matter is more immediate. We have detected some signs that our ancient enemies are on the move again. We had thought they were wiped out a century ago, but they must have a new leader, because certain incidents that we have been monitoring show their unmistakable stamp of pure evil. E, you will not have heard of these people before, but believe me, they are truly evil and seek only destruction and domination. They have proved a formidable foe in the past and I'm sure they will again now. They _must_ be stopped.

What I am thinking of is unorthodox and so I wanted your opinions. I propose to make peace with Bond, inform him of this new threat and perhaps to join forces with him to battle them. We cannot fight Bond and our old enemies at the same time, and Bond is a resourceful individual who could provide real support in destroying the enemy. What do you think?

*Far, far away, a shadowy individual stares at his moniters*

Can it be? The Atlanteans proposing a siding with Bond? Curses! This could be more difficult than I at first imagined. Perhaps I should 'persuade' Bond to look elsewhere for his 'enemies', eh?

*Affectionately pets a bunny rabbit. Laughs maniacally as he sets his monitor for Bond's coordinates*

*E looks at Volk in disbelief...*

*Could it really be... E couldn't have wished for anything better to happen...*

*Several ninja-like villains, clad in a kind of aqua-marine uniform, along with the image of a gecko on their shoulders, emerge from the shadows, wielding several weapons. Including swords, hand guns, and maces*

Volk quickly presses a button under the edge of his desk. A trap door opens beneath the gecko villians and all but one fall screaming 10 storeys down. Liebe tackles the last villian and after a lengthy struggle manages to disarm him and pin him down. The villian says:
"You can't stop us this time, Volk. The world will shortly be ours." The man then bites down on something, his eyes widen, then glaze.

Liebe: He's dead.

Volk: This is more serious than I had thought. It should be impossible to infiltrate to here. We need to contact Bond immediately so that we can focus on this new threat. Bond is on our boat in Perth. If he finds the clues I left, I expect he will be heading out into the Indian Ocean soon. We will intercept him in one of our submarines. Come with me.

Volk leads the way to the submarine pens and they all climb inside.


A submarine shoots out of a thermal vent and speeds away.


Steer for Perth, Iwan.

*Far away, the as yet unnamed villain stared at his computer screen*

So, Bond is on a boat in Perth. This should be . . . amusing. It's sad about loosing thirty of my men, but I have plenty more where they came from.

*Cackles while petting the cute little bunny rabbit*

*The radio crackles to life*

Atlantis Base to A-42; Atlantis Base to A-42; come in A-42

*Iwan keys the mike*

A-42 here, go ahead Atlantis Base.

We have just picked up a transmission to Bond on the Yacht monitors. We are trying to trace the source of the transmission, but are having difficulty. The transmission reported your approach and informed Bond that it was hostile. Bond was provided with an unknown anit-sub weapon. We advise extreme caution in your approach. Over.

Volk: Thank you, Atlantis Base.