h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nope.

Shall I just call this one and write up the explanation?

go on then

O.k.

Thread is officially closed.

pull back, pull back, oh pull back....

pull back, pull back, oh pull back....

pull back, pull back, oh pull back....

pull back, pull back, oh pull back....

Doing the write-up and points now...

It shouldn;t come as a revelation to a few except possibly the Apostle John, that there were many holy relics doing the rounds in the middle ages, some of course the heretical forgeries and cheap knock offs, but a few were the genuine article and highly sought. Of these one of the most prized was the Holy Foreskin circumcised from the baby Jesus (so it was said) after his birth it was a primary relic, not merely an object associated with the Messiah, like fragments of the True Cross, that bloody cup, or the shroud in which he supposedly lay and evaporated or something but a bit of the flesh from the body of the living saviour himself. Imagine.

This Messiah it can be said, was well endowed in the trouser department; very well endowed in fact, arriving on earth with up to 18 penises and certainly no fewer than 8, all of which donated their least wrinkly bit, for the adoration and veneration of millions.

It was said, by just about everybody that Charlemagne had received the gift of The Holy Foreskin from an angel while knelt in prayer in The Holy Sepulchre. It was said by everybody because everybody who claimed to have possession of the Holy Foreskin was said to have received it from Charlemagne in precisely the same manner and with the same back story.

Saints pined for it: St. Bridget of Sweden claimed to have had a vision of the Virgin Mary, who told her that the Holy Foreskin was authentic and possibly winning the stakes for the perviest saint, St. Catherine of Siena, the fourteenth-century Doctor of the Church and self-proclaimed spiritual bride of Christ, was taken to wearing the foreskin around her ring finger.

About a dozen monasteries and towns in a variety of European locations during the Middle Ages claimed to possess it. Coulombs, a French village near Chartres, had one. Chartres also had a famous foreskin, as did the French towns of Charroux, Metz, Conques, Langres, Anvers, Fécamp, and Puy-en-Velay. Auvergne even had two. And the French weren't the only ones obsessed with all things holy and foreskin. There were also pious penises in Hildesheim in Germany and Antwerp in Belgium. Santiago de Compostela, the famed pilgrimage town in the far northwestern corner of Spain, had one too. Not to be outdone, Rome's San Giovanni in Laterano also had a copy of the holy foreskin; this is the one that ended up in Calcata. The holy foreskin that ended up in Calcata was the only papal-approved version of the relic, and it was said - no surprises here - to have been given by Charlemagne to Pope Innocent III upon the French king's coronation in Rome on Dec. 25, in the Year of Our lord 800. The Pope placed the relic in Rome's Sancta Sanctorum (where it resided with the heads of Sts. Peter and Paul) until 1527, when a German soldier—part of the booty-hungry army that sacked the city—swept in to the relic-laden room, grabbing a bejeweled reliquary, tucking it under his arm, and making a mad dash northward. He got as far as Calcata before being caught and imprisoned in the village, where he stashed the relic in his cell. Thirty years later, in 1557, its discovery set off a series of climatic miracles in the village.

These included but were not limited to "freak storms" and "perfumed mists engulfing the village." Never one to miss a trick, the church gave the finding an official seal of approval by offering a 10-year indulgence to those who came to venerate. Lines of pilgrims descended and stretched from the church doors to beyond the walls of the fortress town. Nuns and monks from nearby villages and monasteries made candlelit processions. Calcata became a must-see destination for any pilgrim worth their salt.

This meant a lot of people made a lot of money, but it was not without controversy.

Jesus was well known in his age for being a bit of a prankster and not above making grandiose statements such as:

"My flesh is food indeed and my blood is drink indeed. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has everlasting life."

This brief flirtation with the vampirism in the Judean night scene and an inability to get laid even with a killer chat-up line like that all came to a swift end when Pontius Pilate nailed him to a tree for being very annoying.

However, Catholics have long taken the principle of transubstantiation *very* seriously. Without cracking a smile or betraying a note of taking the piss at all it is insisted that the wafer placed upon the tongue during the Eucharist ceremony, under the woowoo power of jebus, magically becomes flesh in the throat of the believer. Such obsession with the flesh of the messiah running right the way back (much to" the chagrin of John Calvin who is said to have quipped "They couldn't let Christ's body go without keeping a piece."

and it did not go unnoticed that it was a bit of a theological puzzle how come Christ was said to have ascended (hence the necessity for the Eucharist in the first place) yet could have left pieces of himself so widely distributed. but did I mention people were getting filthy rich off of all this relic business so these problems weren't taken very seriously.

Still doubt crept around the margins and by the time 400 years or so had come and passed, the mood not to say the worm had turned, and amidst the rise of sceptical inquiry and scientific doubt of the 19th century, not to mention that fact that the Catholic churches neurotic about sex, meant that claims to possess the tip of the messiahs member were. getting, well - embarrassing. Many relics had been destoryed in the reformation and the French Revolution but matters were not helped by the discovery in 1856 in the Vatican no less of *another* reliquary containing within another foreskin alleged to be jesus's own. As everyone knew Calcatas had been authenticated by various Pope's down the Centuries this was the last thing the church needed.

Fair-minded and willing to resolve disputes through negotiation and compromise The Church in 1900 determined to resolve this clash, by decreeing that all mention of the Holy Foreskin was banned. It was deemed "An Irreverent Curiosity" (The title of the book where this tale heralds) and anyone daring to break this silence was threatened with immediate excommunication. 50 years later the annual procession celebrating the festival of The Holy Circumcision through the town of Calcata with their relic was also subject to a prohibition order after a monk rqustd and was denied the option monk wanted to include Calcata in a pilgrimage tour guide, Vatican officials didn't just reject the proposal - they upped the punishment: to the most severe form of excommunication: "Vitandi" - 'The Shunned'.

However by 1950s, what had been a picturesque sea-side village beset by the occasioned perfumed mist and more than it's fair share of saints was having it's well worn cliff walks eroded by the sea. the whole area was condemned by the Italian Government and the citizens evacuated.

However, before the town could be demolished it was occupied by hippy squatters, who eventually and successfully applied for rights to stay.

They found out about Calcata's most famous resident and wrote about in newspapers and magazines , and 50 years of trying to keep the whole things under wraps exploded.

Acting fast, Rome called the 2nd Vatican Council where it was decided, amongst other things that the Holy Day celebrating the Circumcision could be quietly dropped from the calendar from it's usual place of January 1st.

The Hippes and the church in Calcata weren't going to listen to that so every year on jauary 1st for a special "new years day" procession the foreskin relic was rmoved from the church were it resided and paraded about the town.

At some point around about this time the local priest, removed the foreskin from it's sanctuary within the church and took it home with him, so he said, to keep it safe. Apparently he didn't favour it's chances if it remained within the walls of the church.

The priest refused ever to explain his actions on account of the threat of excommunication, however his Bishop, o his death bed in 1975 foretold of dark days ahead when with his passing he feared the Holy Foreskin would not remain safe.

8 years later - the unthinkable happened - thieves broke into the Priests house and stole it. Some suspect the priest caved in and delivered in back to the Vatican himself (witnesses claim to have seen him in Rome the day before the theft took place)

Did the Swiss guard turn up under cover of darkness or was it something far more feeble and human?

Whatever the answer: sold, stolen, or delivered to the Vatican—or even all three - the Holy Foreskin of Calcatta has vanished from sight and disappeared from history.

In the period it spent outside of the reliquary inside the church the priest kept it in a shoe-box stuffed at the bottom of a wardrobe with the words "genuine leather" printed on the outside.

No word of a lie.

QI - A little slice of heaven
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Correct (+3)
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HD (15) - 'circumcision'
Feisor (27) - 'The Feast of The Holy Circumcision'
Taff (32) - 'Jesus's Foreskin'
Taff (52) - 'Charlemagne'



QI Bonus (+6)
------------------------

None Awarded


DGI Bonus (+1)
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HD (37) - "Several Holy Foreskins"
Taff (45) - "It was a little wrinkly"
Taff (62) - "Hippies"
Taff (76) - "attracted Rome's attention"

Klaxon (-5)
------------------------

Taff (4) - 'Conversion to Protestantism'
Taff (4) - 'Conversion to Islam'
Taff (4) - "Christmas"
Taff (4) - "Easter"
Taff (36) - "Inside the church."


Elf Bonus (+2)
------------------------
Clive




Total to be added or subtracted.
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Hygienic Dispenser +4
Feisor +3
Clive +2
Taff -16

So
Top billing at Christie's for our winner the singular Hygienic Dispenser!.
Subject to a bidding war on E-bay it's the collector's item: Feisor
But coming in lst, Currently impounded in Custom's and Excise lockup and due to be melted down to make tarmac for The Home Secretary's drive way, it's bootlegged Colplay CDs from China, the thoroughly illicit Taff.

And whilst it's darn chilly outside - spare a thought for Arctic explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes. On one of his polar treks, the uncircumcised explorer is reported to have had a better time of it than his circumcised comrades who were subject to blistering and frostbite in an area you really don't want to get frostbite.

I forgot to add that during one of the crises of conception that plagued Henry V, it is said he sent for a Holy Foreskin to be delivered as a fertility aid!

Thanks Clive! Another good 'un. Am I right in thinking that at times the church has tied itself in knots coming up with theological "proofs" that Christ was never circumcised in the first place? Possibly during some of its more virulent anti-semitic moments?

Well the historical record, certianly from the catholic side seemed to positively tolerate the idea that Christ was circumcised!

Beyond that I can't really say, despite my pretensions, I am not an expert: I delve.

Glad you enjoyed it. Settling into QI now, aren't you?

I can't even claim to delve. I read stuff, and bits get shoved into some murky ill-lit storage cupboard somewhere, and some years later I'll think "I'm sure I read something about that once". I've still got no idea where I read about foreskins in reliquaries. It won't be the internets coz I've not had them for very long. Possibly Umberto Eco (it's his sort of stuff), but I don't really know.
But anyway, yes I am enjoying the QI's. It's good to get the brain dusted off for a change.

That's why we do what we do.

Should try setting a question or two.