h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Aroma Cafe. A lovely high-ceilinged space with two overhead fans rotating sluggishly, slow enough not to disturb customers' newspapers.

A blue orangutan relaxing in the joint of several overhead beams, waiting for bananas or a chance to beat another customer at scrabble.

The IIEM (Infinite Improbability Espresso Machine) keeping its own counsel behind the counter and dispensing all orders whilst on autopilot.

A saxophone on a table covered with a velvet cloth ready to play Kenny G upon request (but rarely used), also reputed to be a source of hallucinogenic blue dust.

Customers sleeping on the sofas, slouched over their strictly non-alcoholic beverages, reading, studying, clicking notebooks or discussing the local political scene in low voices...talking about the new Bond movie...being friends...

*On a red velvet couch, sipping green tea from the First to the Forum mug, is a NZ male hiding from angry South Africans*

Ah Looney, you're in neutral territory here. Stay in the area of the soukh and leave your papers in Rick's, I mean Irv's safe.

*sips green tea companionably, then looks appalled* Looney! I think you stepped on Affi! If it was Affi. Was it Affi? If it was the enigmatic cockroach then I don't mind. I hate cockroaches. Sorry, Enigmatic, nothing personal.

Or else it was something else entirely different. Do you want to look or shall I put the cleaning bot to work?

"A saxophone on a table covered with a velvet cloth ready to play Kenny G upon request" is one of those really interesting grammatical slips. I should point out that it is the saxophone and not the velvet cloth that is ready to play Kenny G.

Interesting grammer can be a lot of fun. Here are three headlines from a magazine I subscribe to. Doctor In Love above a story about medical ethics. Taking The Piss above a story about urine written by the health correspondent. Rips, Hit and Bust above a TV review.

I wonder whether this kind of humour is possible in Japanese.

I think the Japanese are more into humour in sport. Think sumo wrestling.

Incidently the headings were written by female sub-editors aged in their 20s and 30s.

Apart from that appalling headline about Sheriff Crow a few weeks ago, the one about how he "promotes minorities slow", and apart from daily comic misspellings, and apart from the paper's relentlessly non-news approach to news, the Lakeland Ledger is a fine publication.

But this is a town where 'to ax' means to inquire.

On that note, I think I am going to retire for the evening. I will see you tomorrow.

G'mornin' all
IIEM, coffee please.
*Shuffles over to the golden-brown sofa, opens newspaper and sits staring at nothing.*

"G'evening Bumblebee," says the man on the red-velvet couch. "I see that you have signed up for the new mailing list." "Should be fun."

*If anyone is wondering what we are talking about, we subscribe to the free Unofficial h2g2 Offsite Topic Drift mailing list which is moderated by Lil. You can sign up from either Lil's or my homepage. Please do.*

"Hi, Løøny" says a half-comatose woman who should rather have stayed in bed than dragging herself off to a holiday-deserted office. "It's monday again, I think I need more coffee" she says.

IIEM, a coffee and some green tea please.

BB did you see the conversation thing I sent to the mailing list?

I think perhaps that the line between conversation and quarrelling is a bit diffuse where
Rousseau and Boswell is concerned...
"A hen would obey your orders if you could make her understand them."

This must be where we say "I rest my case" or something like that.

And I bid you goodnight. Washes mug and pops off. Pop.

Goodnight Løønytunes.
*sipping her second cup of coffe and starting to feel human again.*

Hi there IIEM. Half caff decaff please. No laff...it's Monday.

*Sits back, gazing at the rotating Casablanca fans, childishly wishing for talcum powder to put on top of the blades*

I wonder what a white orangutan looks like?

An albino orangutan with pink eyes?
Good morning y'all!

*comes in with carton of donuts* I see Looney brought in all the papers. IIEM, one Ook Special...

Ook (climbing down): Ooook....

Here you go, breakfast. Interesting how in my mind I have orangutan and orange fur wedded together in my brain with those first 5 letters, yet I have no trouble with Ook's blueness. I see a very specific shade of blue, and I suppose I had better paint his likeness.

But when you speak of a white orangutan, I see ... a yeti, not an orangutan.

IIEM: I'll have an A L Special, please. *lays out donuts on green compote dish and gets tray of mbougatses out of the cold case*

*pop*Damn!! Hi, all. Bye alll....*disappears into swirling vortex**pop*

*happy to find self still in Cafe* IIEM, an espresso, please. *helps self to mbougatses* Mmmm-Lil, how do you do it?

jr! You are truly multidimensional!

*finds table near window and enjoys snack*

I wish I could do that sometimes. When I had am employer who wasn't me, I had a 30 mile drive to work and 30 miles home again. With about 35 lights between here and there, more being added, and a very large highway construction project which crossed my commute path in 3 places. In the morning I came to work over an hour early to beat the traffic, but in the afternoons, when it was in the 90's and the traffic was alternatively carniverous and comatose, I was losing up to 90 minutes of my life as well as large chunks of my temperament. I used to call it the Rush Hour of the Living Dead.

And don't get me started about the people from northern states who drive their Winnebagos down to Florida and then dawdle along looking at palm trees.

If only I could have just got home multi-dimensionally...