h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Wakes up under a table.*

Groans.

*Rolls out from amongst the cobwebs. *

BARMAN.

*a ghostly echoing hollowness reverberates around the room.

*shakes head*

*leaves*

* In a darkened room a section of the floor rises and a figure appears from the deeper darkness below. *

* The little light penetrating the over-grown holly tree by the window, shows a haggard figure, coughing in the dust, searching behind the wooden counter that serves as a bar. Suddenly a nimbus of light throws the face into relief, and a stub of candle is lit. *

* Now he has illumination the figure seems surer and moves to a corner of the bar and opens a cabinet on the wall. A switch is thrown, a flourescent light stutters into life, revealing a congealing bowl of black and white mints on the bar. *

* The figure scurries out and looks up the chimmney - its blocked. He smiles and nods, a glass is taken from below the bar and introduced to an optic, a dark brown liquid runs into the glass, and then from the glass to a waiting mouth. *

* Standing in the centre of the room he looks at the dust that lies everywhere, and shakes his head. *

I thought EV said he'd get his missus to keep this place tidy.

I expect that's the reason it still is a mess...

<BB<

Well - I emptied the ashtrays.

...But where did you empty them into?

<BB<

What's that lump under the rug?

*crawls out from under the rug*

Oi!

<BB<

I see - the beer pump has seized, the lager chiller has shorted out, the whiskey has evaporated, I've drunk all the cider, and you want to know where I've emptied the ashtrays ?

Get your priorities sorted. And if you must know I put them into the spitoon.

Is it OK to eat green pork scratchings ?