h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ok, we all know about the biro theory (but having studied my office carefully, anyone who's wandering is always looking for a pen, hence I believe they endlessly rotate between members of staff - let's face it, we're all experts at grabbing someone else's abandoned pen) but what I really want to tackle is the laundry sock vacuum.

I mean, it even happens to those of us who don't use a public laundrette - I have odd socks that have sat in my draw for over a year. It's not as if the sock can leave your house during the laundering process. "Oh yes," you say, "I take my socks off and throw one over the garden fence when I go to bed". No.

Nor have I noticed some cunning exhaust port at the back of the drum for socks to escape through. Nothing gets through those tiny holes, or you'd end up losing a duvet cover. And if I can't open the door while it's washing then I'd put my job, my health and wealth on the fact that some cleverly spun cotton can't either.

And no-one is in the habit of seeing an odd sock lying on the floor, an escapee from the basket during the transfer of its grimy contents, and thinking "Oh someone's sock! Must get rid of that immediately". It goes straight into the laundry. But will it ever be reunited with its sole-mate?(sorry)

I.

Think.

Not.

So, whoever it is who breaks into my house, rummages through my laundry, and bolts off with some sweaty footwear a every six or seven months, please stop. Can it be true that sandals (shudder) are the only way to keep intruders out of your home?

A man once told me that heaven is a place where you'll be reunited with lost single socks and all the little bits of weed that ive dropped. however, in the mean time i have found that the only real solution to the great sock mystery is to keep on hand enough pairs of socks to never have to wear the same pair twice. Besides, there are few greater pleasures in life besides a brand new pair of socks. Just the same, a good sock day can easily mean the difference between an excellent day and a mediocre "how can i cope with the world when my socks arent straight" kind of day.

Right! You did put the finger into the wound (I can't sing, but I do wear socks). WHERE DO THEY GO TO? Seeing that most people in first world countries use socks and washing machnies in a combination one would expect that there'd been an answer a long time ago. But no. Zilch.
My adivice: buy like five pairs of socks all the same style and loosing one won't have as dire consequences as when owning only one pair of that kind...

But why do you need a pair of socks?
Why conform?
What's wrong with wearing two different socks?
Why do people assume that the people who do this don't care about what they look like?!

Leave us alone!!

now, you see, this is a physics problem. talk to any mad physicist, and he will talk to you about false vacuums, and matter and anti-matter being created from nothing and all sorts of hideous things like that (and I don't understand it so don't ask awkward questions)but it is a proven fact that matter leaves this universe as socks and biros, and re-enters as lint and paper-clips (and nappy-pins - see article on "Dross Pots" (I don't know how to put the link in))
So there you go. Thats what happens to your socks.
One possible solution is to stretch the paper clips until they are very very fine, and then weave new socks out of paper-clips and lint!

Perhaps the underpants gnomes have diversified.

Who needs socks? I paint my ankles once a week with Airfix matt black paint. I haven't lost a sock in years ...

simple, they're all stuck statically to the inside of all the old clothes you have in your cubard/attic/etc.

I think I've found the missing sock portal.

It goes like this.....

1 : rented house with all furnishings.

2 : rented washing machine broke down.

3 : dismantled washing machine.

3a : In the bit between the drum, and the back of the unit I discovered :
3 a(i) : 3 of my misssing socks (no pairs)

3 a(ii) : 4 odd socks that I've never even owned!

3 a(iii) : a funny looking dead insect.

Conclusion : there exists, somewhere in time, a funny looking insect odd sock stealer that nests in the bit between the drum and the back of the unit in the washing machine.

Clearly, the name of the next decade is going to be the impossibly-long and difficult-to-market "year that Douglas Adams changed the expression "Always know where your towel is" into "always know where your socks are."

I can only imagine what this would do to his sales figures, howevera accurate the description.

Fruitbat

Has anyone tried putting some sort of tracking device in socks? This could make an interesting experiment, possibly confirming the existance of borrowers.

yeah but why borrow other people's socks? unless it was to make up for the odd pairs you owned yourself, in some endless cycle of sock borrowing (like with the pens). however i don't think i've ever borrowed anyone else's socks (or at least not just one of them), so there's a big flaw in this plan.

No, no, no, not 6 foot high people with the same shoe size. Borrowers are (supposedly) fictional little people ( 4-5 inches tall) created by Mary Norton, who borrow things from humans.
I didn't make myself clear... obviously my babel fish is ill :o)

Try http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0152099875/o/qid=939389329/sr=8-2/002-5439524-2549043 for further information.

no I'd go with the first defenition. I have in my draw at least 9 socks (all odd) and nome of which were purchased by me. Several of them are for someone with feet 4 sizes smaller than mine.

On the physics front, it may provide an answer to the "Dark Matter" theory (Scientists currently faced with the problem that 90% of the matter that should be in the universe is missing!) That, the "Dark Matter" is actually vast flotillas of odd socks floating though the intergalactic depths of space.

This missing sock thing is costing me a fortune. Each week I buy a 5 pairs, and by the end of the week I have 1 left.... sock that is not pair. I think they must all be conspiring somewhere, in a medium sized room plotting to take over the world.

"That's it Lefty..... you aim for the president whilst I keep you covered."
"I want all of you sports socks to keep Lefty covered.... those bodygaurds can be pretty mean you know."

Oh my god! I'm burning the contents of my top drawer tonight.

I have in my drawer at least 44 socks (NONE ODD!) which bear a some resemblance to those which were purchased by me. Many of them are for someone with feet 2 sizes smaller than mine. A few of them are for someone with feet 2 sizes larger than mine.

Could there be a warp in the space-time continuum in close proximity to my sock drawer?

On the physics front, forget the "Dark Matter" theory (What’s missing is missing.) What about the "GREY Matter" theory?

Why are my socks grey ? I’ve NEVER bought grey socks. Ever.

I think Red's sock drawer holds the answers to a number of our questions - it seems to be absorbing the missing odd socks of everyone else and matching them together like one spooky sort of sock dating agency. I think it explains the disappearance over the past 4 weeks of 5 or 6 pairs of my grey socks, slowly one by one disappearing from my flat, never to be seen again. Until now?

A couple of Douglas Adams style reasons:

1) Your sock undergoes SMEF [spontaneous massive existance failure]

2) The improbability drive is nearby... at the same frequency as a sock disappearing (which is about 0.9)

and some wierd ones

3) The sock has become sentient, become bored of your drawer and it's non sentient socks, and left sneakily in the night to join all other lost socks.

My socks have just organized a rebellion against the oppressive tyranny of my feet...HELP! THEY HAVE WET TOWELS! (ducks)