h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Portchester Castle - A13776771
Author: bobstafford - U3151547

Please comment

The grammar set my teeth on edge. The second and third sentence are fragments.

Otherwise, it look ok, but needs fleshing out. A statement like:

>>it was here that:

St. Paul is said to have landed, A clump of trees near Portchester was given the name Paulsgrove.<<

Is kinda short and abrupt. You could say it nicer:

"It was here that St Paul was said to have landed. A clump of trees..."

See? Sounds less like a petulant kid spouting facts at an exam. More like an encyclopedia entry.

Also, a personal bit of advice? Don't churn out entries like a machine. You have a dozen at least to your name, but none of them are edited. Take one or two and really work on them. Re-enter them into the EGWW and take the advice and polish them up. Then put them into Peer Review. If you follow the suggestions and corrections it'll get picked and entered into the edited guide.

Ok please tell me how to re enter

Pull 'em out and put em back in. But I was just looking and saw that you had only a few in the EGWW just now. This entry is also the only one that could get into the EG. So I'd say work on this one right now and worry about the rest later.

Reread it outloud to yourself and try to smooth out the sentences and grammar. I'll try to give it a thorough going-over if you're interested.

Hi
Thanks if you would be so kind I would be grateful. Iam trying to learn the art of this and all help is very welcome.
If you can add as I felt the entry a bit basic at the moment... feel free.

hanks again

bs

I don't know a blessed thing about Portchester Castle, but that's the kind of thing they'll nob you about in PR. I'll run through the article and point out grammar and punctuation problems, parts that are skimpy or out of order, and what should be changed. I'll do it - later. Or tommorow. But I will do it. So hang in there.

Hi Leo
Thanks

>>Portchester Castle (Latin name: Portus Adurni) is a Roman Fort at the Northern end of Portsmouth harbour. I<<

- can smooth this out. "Portchester Castle (known in Latin as Portus Adurni), is a Roman fort at the northern end of..."

- note the lowercase 'f' in 'fort'.

>>It is an almost complete Roman fort. nearly all of the walls and it has lost only six of its D shaped bastions. <<

- This fails to make sense. Particularly the first part of the second sentence.

- First of all, 'nearly all the walls' what?
- second of all, you mentioned D-shaped bastions. You might want to describe the shape of castle first, and then mention that it's nearly all standing, or mention it as you go along, or whatever, but definitely describe it before talking about parts of it.

>>The keep in the north west corner has taken 2 from the western side 2 from the eastern seaward side<<

- two what? I'm just confused here. Please clarify.

>>Its in good order today, because: .
# It has been almost continuous use since it was built.
# Roman builders were good.<<

- ok, first of all, there's an extra full-stop after the colon (
- second of all, you can turn this into a sentence. LIke so: "the castle is still in such good condition both because it has been in continuous use since it was built and because Roman architects built to last."

>>Built in the period AD 285, and 290, by Marcus Aurelius Carausius as part of the defensive system known today as the Saxon Shore forts..<<

- what was built? you have to mention it. Grammatically, I mean.
"The castle was built in..."
- there's an extra full-stop at the end of the sentence.

>>Some surveys of the site enclosed within the walls, show that there are previously unknown buildings dating from the Roman, Saxon and medieval periods.<<

- meaning, the castle was built on top of ruins, or that the castle enclosed previously built buildings?

>>The Castle is set on a north south axis it is about 10 degrees off true north. 1 The extensively refurbished Roman gatehouse is built of stone (with a pitched clay tiled roof)with 2 floors over a double arched entry way and is set in the western wall and a path runs (west to east)from this to the Saxon (originally thought to be Norman) rebuilding of the Roman Watergate on the eastern wall, which is sited exactly opposite. This structure was 3 floors high and has an internal stone spiral staircase.<<

- This consists of one very loaded run-on sentence. Try to rewrite it so the idea is broken into more sentences, and take the time to explain what you're talking about. What is a water gate? When was it rebuilt? From what? What's a double arch?

>>The exceptional condition of the castle can be attributed to the fact that, despite short periods of being left empty and longer periods of neglect, the castle was occupied for most it’s 16 centuries.<<

- nix this. you said it already.

>>n the south east corner there is a 12th century Augustinian priory chapel (Now St Mary’s Portchester with it’s Tudor roof and Norman west door) <<
-another overloaded sentence. Was the Tudor roof and Norman door there before it became St Mary's? In that case, the sentence should read,
"In the southeast corner stands a 12th-Century Augustinian priory chapel. Today it is St Mary's Portchester, but retains its Tudor roof and a Norman west door."

>> The priory was Augustinian canons,<<

- huh? Isn't a priory a building? How can a building be canons?

>>After the Norman Invasion the additions were began. Starting with a Norman Keep2 then in the Medieval period the Inner Bailey and a moat was added. This included a:
# Gate house.
# A Constables House.
# And a full range of service buildings.
# Ashtons tower.
# The bailey moat and the exterior moat and ditch.<<

- probably better to take this out of point form and make it a sentence:
"This included a gatehouse, a constable's house, a full range of service buildings, Ashton's Tower, the bailey moat and the exterior moat and ditch."


Alright, that's enough to start with. Make these changes and then give a yell and I'll come back and go further.

Hi Leo

All sorted I hope you approve.

bs

Marvelous. Here's a few more to mull over the weekend:

>># Walls Flint and limestone.
# Enclosed Area 36,489 sq meters.
# Size 200 meters square wall height 6 meters 3.2 meters thick.<<

put into paragraph form, or at least complete sentences.

>>with it’s Tudor roof<<

in middle of nowhere. must fit in somewhere. You can even stick in a sentence in middle. "it has a tudor roof". But it can't stay where it is.

>>This included a Gate house, A Constables House, And a full range of service buildings.Ashtons tower the bailey moat and the exterior moat and ditch.<<

remember the grammar. remove the capitalised words from the middle of the sentence - instead of "A Constables House" put "a constable's house" (note the added apostrophe as well).

>>the top of the wall projecting arches have been constructed making it harder to reach the top of the wall. One of these held a toilet for the garrison.<<

- what? this sounds like it could be interesting - even humorous. can you describe where the toilets were in relation to the arches and why they were placed there?

>>It was here or near by that:

St. Paul is said to have landed, A and preached near a clump of trees near Portchester, was later given the name Paulsgrove.<<

1. first of all, make it into a single long sentence without the introductory phrase.
2. this is such a small section I think you could slip this bit of information into a different section without getting sued. I would suggest the 'brief history' or the description of the castle.

The 'Later Uses' section I think should also go into the 'brief history' section, because a lot of it is historical. Therefore, it's history. The final section, if anything, should consider how it is used today. Is it a museum? A police station? A derelict castle?

Hi again.

anything more to do..........

bs

I still think that 'Portchester in History' belongs in 'A brief history' but otherwise, I can't think of much.

Anyone else?

*waves frantically for another researcher*

Otherwise, you could try entering it into PR for more commentary.

Oh, you might want to try incorporating some of the footnotes into the body of the entry.

Hi Leo

Ok I agree and have had a try see what you think.

bs

footnote number 2 can just be copied and pasted into the main body. there's no particularly good reason the entire thing can't be in there.

Hi Leo

All sorted.

bs

Hi Bob!

This is a good entry. The main problem with it as I see it is that you have a section called "A Brief History", but you have the history in dribs and drabs all over the entry. I think you should put the history section earlier, then move all the history bits into it. This will involve rewriting some of the rest of it, but I think it is worth it.

The grammar and punctuation needs a fair bit of tidying, but there's no point in me listing all the problems now if you are going to be rewriting. When the content is sorted out, we can worry about the spelling and punctuation.

Hi Gnomon

I will have a go.

bs

Hi Gnomon


Try this is this what you had in mind.......

bs