A Conversation for Portchester Castle, Hampshire, England, UK.

A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 21

Gnomon - time to move on

Hmm. That looks very scrappy. You should have single sentences, such as "King John visited." You need to tell a story, rather than just recording a list - that's what makes a good guide entry.

"In Roman Times the fort formed part of the ... it was visited in ... by ...".

"When the Romans withdrew England and the island fell victim to invasions of Angles, Saxons and Jutes from Northern Europe, the castle..."

You should end up with a set of paragraphs rather than one liners. It's worth leaving some of that history section out, if you can't make it fit.


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 22

bobstafford

Hi Gnomon

Try this version comments please.....

bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 23

bunnyfrog will never die

This reads to me very dry. Do not get me wrong, is extremly informative, but there is not a obvious flow to the information. This may just be your style of course, but I found my eyes drifting and then bumping up on the sudden short unattached sentences.
Is well researched though, I never do proper research smiley - smiley


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 24

bobstafford

Hi bunnyfrog

I am open to ideas so if you have any..............


bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 25

Gnomon - time to move on

Hi bob!

I apologise that in my last posting I said you should have short sentences when I meant to say you should not have short sentences.

Your latest re-working is a lot better than it was. I think it would benefit now from splitting up the History section by putting in subheaders. I suggest you split it into three main periods, which I'm sure you can come up with yourself.


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 26

bobstafford

H1 Gnomon

I have had a try your views would be welcome...
bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 27

Leo


While I'm here, I wanted to mention that you don't talk about it today. What does it function as now? a tourist attraction?


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 28

bobstafford

Hi again

Had another go any better now?.......

bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 29

Gnomon - time to move on

It's looking better all the time! smiley - ok

I'll give it a detailed going through for typos and formatting, if you don't mind.


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 30

bobstafford

Hi

You are very welcome.. thanks..

bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 31

Gnomon - time to move on

Here's a few:

Grammar:

"Originally a square enclosure with each corner having a bastion." -- this is not a proper sentence, as it has no verb. I suggest you rewrite it as:
"It was originally a square enclosure with each corner having a bastion."

"Almost all of the walls intact" -- another fragment. Change it to "Almost all of the walls are intact"

the wall height is 6 meters and 3.2 meters thick -- this sounds as if the height is 3.2m thick. Reword it as:
"the walls are 6m high and 3.2m thick"

The castle if viewed from the air it will not look square but it is -- this is very clumsy. Try:
The castle is in fact square, although it does not look it when viewed from the air."

and replacement roof --> and a replacement roof

The priory that was built before the castle passed into Royal hands, was -- the use of "that" means that there were two Priories. Change it to "which" as follows:

The priory, which was built before the castle passed into Royal hands, was

there was a kitchen and refectory a cloister sleeping, quarters and storage buildings-->
there were a kitchen and refectory, a cloister, sleeping quarters and storage buildings




h2g2 Style:

and, 1 corner bastion --> and one corner bastion (numbers 1 - 10 should be spelled out as words)

2 bastions --> two bastions

in the period AD 285, and 290 --> in the period 285 - 290 AD

meters --> metres (use British English spelling)

Punctuation and Typos:

built to last -- add a full stop

Walls were built of Flint --> Walls were built of flint

and enclosed Area 36,489 sq meters -->
and enclosed an area of 36,489 sq metres (note four separate changes)

Some surveys of the site within the walls, show -- remove the comma

The Castle is set on a north south axis it is -- put a dash after axis:
The Castle is set on a north south axis - it is

the Roman Watergate --> the Roman watergate

the min gate --> the main gate

chapel (Now St Mary’s --> chapel (now St Mary’s

there are still some traces, the toilets --> there are still some traces: the toilets

That's enough for the moment.

smiley - smiley


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 32

Gnomon - time to move on

near the Watergate --> near the watergate

the Augustinian canons. (who wore -- remove the full stop

1st century A.D --> 1st Century AD

the Isle of Wight, Kent Surrey Sussex and Hampshire-->
the Isle of Wight, Kent, Surrey, Sussex and Hampshire

"It is not recorded if the grove was a pagan site, as it was often the case that Christians adopted the old pagan sites by use, as St Paul did in this case." -- I think you should leave this sentence out, as it is confused.

the saints visit --> the saint's visit

"In the fifth century When the Romans withdrew England the Anglo-Saxon’s occupied the fort. The island fell victim to invasions of Angles, Saxons and Jutes from Northern Europe, the castle became a part of the defensive system of Wessex. " -- this is a bit confusing, as well as being full of typos. It talks about the Anglo-Saxons and in the next sentences goes back to the time when they were two separate groups, the Angles and the Saxons. I think it would be better as:

In the 5th Century, when the Romans withdrew from England, the Anglo-Saxons occupied the fort, making it part of the defensive system of Wessex.

And there is some evidence that -- it's not considered good writing to start a sentence with "and", although it is perfectly acceptable in spoken speech.
-->
There is some evidence, too, that

there is a poem (in Welsh) the verse that concerns Arthur and Portchester is as follows
-->
there is a poem (in Welsh), with one verse which appears concerns Arthur and Portchester, as follows

Here's how to format the poem:


In 'Llongborth' I saw Arthur's
Brave men who cut with steel,
The Emperor, ruler in toil of battle.


or even,


In 'Llongborth' I saw Arthur's
Brave men who cut with steel,
The Emperor, ruler in toil of battle.


The latter puts it in italics.



A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 33

Gnomon - time to move on

Correcting my own correction:

there is a poem (in Welsh) the verse that concerns Arthur and Portchester is as follows
-->
there is a poem (in Welsh), with one verse that concerns Arthur and Portchester, as follows


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 34

bobstafford

Hi Gnomon,

Magic all sorted please comment...
bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 35

Gnomon - time to move on

smiley - erm It hasn't changed.


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 36

bobstafford

Hi

Mine has....????

bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 37

Gnomon - time to move on

It definitely hasn't changed for me. Did you remember to click the Update button?


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 38

Gnomon - time to move on

Oh, sorry. Yes there are some changes - the poem is now formatted correctly. But most of the changes I suggested have not been done.


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 39

bobstafford

oops did it in 2 parts pressed the button b****r

I will do it again.

bs


A13776771 - Portchester Castle

Post 40

bobstafford

Hi

Try again it should be all dine as suggested.... thanks...

bs


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