h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"That happens a lot." said Sfret, with a reflective air, sitting back down at his desk.

"I once constructed a rudimentary ball scoop out of pencils bound together with twine - that I used for my drawings to pass back up to the mysterious Surface Gods their mystical Balls."

"Vandeveer took away my pencils after that -now I use only charcoal." inter-linkng his fingers and resting his hands in front of him.

Arthur shook Anna off his legs and feeling the bood flowing back down into his ankles attempt to stand upright which with relatively little falling over - he did surprising quickly.

"X - who is this man?"

"My name - said the man, who clearly didn't like being spoken for - is Sfretelanimousopocatepetl..The Ninth. 2nd Division Monk in the 7th Order of The Cult of The Dying Pilchard....erm" and after some deliberation and a sad nod of his head "excommunicated."

"Excommunicated?" said Anna.

"I used to design The Machines for them..glorious they were" and he developed a whistful and idealistic look in his eyes. "Bigger than Houses. It was My Life's work..and then...well I am here...working for Mr Vandeveer now." A trouble frown wrinkled his forehead instinctually reaching out for another stick of charcoal that were stood upright in a small carved wooden cup like the remins of an umbrella stand after a fire. He began scribbling soem more on his sheafs of collected papers

"Most people just call me Sfret." He added as an after thought.

"Why were you excommunicated?" Arthur asked.

Sfret looked up to the ceiling and the hole from which the golf-ball had dropped, the light from above made a small patch of light on the floor.
"I'd never seen the stars before...all I wanted to do was walk on...green...er...grass! and see the sun rise from below the...err.. the..thing.

"?" said Arthur.

"Horizon?" suggested Anna.

"Yes that's it!" exclaimed Sfret looking excited.

"So why?" said Arthur trying to tease out of Sfret some of the promising information he'd hinted at. It was like trying to get a small child to sit still.

The Guards found me... on the floor near the upper chamber by the door that led.....outside. I remember I couldn't move ..I...I" and Sfret tailed off.

"What? What happened?" asked Anna full of empathy.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"What were you captured?"

"No I'm ...not well in my head ...I can't."

The others all fell silent

"Mr Vandeveer knows what it is...has a name for it..my...condition. Ag-er-o-f-oo-bee-ah" Sfret said struggling to remember the word.

"It's why he keeps me in here.... I don't like staying in here ALL the time, I'd love to stretch my legs now and again but he says it's for my own safety. but I couldn't go outside..no. he knows I like it underground. Its where I was brought up - I can't get to sleep without the drip drip drip of stalagtite formation, it's oddly comforting..

"So why do you stay here?" Arthur asked trying to piece togetehr all the disparate pieces of this man's story.

"I'm helping to design the drill."

Arthur didn't have time to get a follow up question as a sweet smelling pink gass came funnelling down the golf hole.

"Smells like strawberries" Said X as he passed out.

"So isn't anyone looking for you? Friends, family, top secret intelligence agencies?", enquired X.

"Well there is one person. Doargy Doargy Doe Da."

"What, thats their name?" Laughed X. Arthur gave X a disgusted look, and X stopped laughing.

"Yes," nodded Sfret, "she isn't human though. She came through this... well I suppose you would call it a time space vortex. I built this machine, that would map the layers of the universes."

"Universes?", enquired Arthur

"Yes, there are many. The machine went wrong and she was dragged through, from another plain of existence."

"Any way Doargy Doargy - as I called her - almost killed me the first time I saw her. But she didn't understand what had happened. Anyway after a little while I managed to calm her down, and began to teach her the ways of our universe. I taught her English, Spanish, French and German. She learned all of our history, our politics... well at least what I know of it - which is quite considerable. I basically taught her all I knew. And she was a quick learner.

"She came to depend on me. And I can only imagine what she is going through now that I am missing..."

Anna, Arthur and Sfret watched X rolling around the floor in a dream state going on about 'Doargy' before they passed out from the gas also.

When he came to X was strapped to an examination table. Sfret was tied to a chair just in his range of his vision, he couldn't see anyone else. The room was white, with only one steel door.

He struggled to move out of his bounds, but it was no use.

"Where are they all?", asked X.

"I suspect they're in a similar situation to yourself but in another room", replied Sfret.

"I don't suppose Doargy Doargy could help?", mused X.

"I wish she could. She must be miles away from here."

"There's no way you could contact her?" asked X, feeling neck pains.

"Well yes, but I don't have the equipment and I doubt she would hear." Sfret sighed.

"How do you contact her, *pfft*?" came Arthur's muffled question.

"Arthur??" X tried to turn his head.

"Yeff *pfft*?"

"Where are youuuuuuuuu--" The metal table suddenly flipped vertical bringing upright before falling forward, sending X upside down to the floor his faced pressed into the white surface.

"That's a lot better," gasped Arthur, now facing upwards in an identical position that X had been in.

"Oh fantiftic *pfft*" said the voice underneath him. "Sfret, how do you *pfft* contact her?"

"Folk music." replied Sfret.

"Folk mufic??"

"Oh yes, she is drawn to it."
Sfret mused. "Oh to hear her jingling as she gets closer..."

Suddenly a stainless steel door that from their disadvantageous point of view - neither X nor arthur had been able to see, slip noisly open.

Von Trapp walked in "you have meddled in my affairs for the last time Agent men."

Daltmoreby lingered in the background and sniggered next to him loomed over his boss was Sreka.

"Sfrat I am sorry to loose your services but your usefulness has expired you can die a swift death along with these fools!"

"Very good Lord Von Trapp." said Sfret with an inner calm.

"This room can be hemetically sealed. As you can tell this air vent"; he indicated to Sreka who closed it from the outside and tore the catch off the wall. "no longer works. When we leave we will be locking the door behind us and sealing the bunker shut. I estimate judging by the three of you and the cubic area of this room you will probably have a little under 7 minutes to die. Notice I don't say escape. your failure is inevitable and your doom certain.

"bu -uuuuu" began X when suddenly he was wheeled round as the table was flipped over and Arthur emerged again on top.

"You're going after that Diamond aren't you?" he spat.

Von Trapp snorted a disdaining smirk and gave Arthur one last hateful look. stepped out of the glare of the white room pressed something on the wall and the door slip home and sealed with a definite and final clunk.

Arthur counted to 10,000 like all spies do and then rotated his hands so that he disloated both his wrists and with a grunt slipped his arms out of the buckles that held him bound to the table. With a flick he snapped them back into place and with a light curse performed the worlds tightest stomach crunch to reach down and begin undoing the screws that held his ankles to the table using a special edge he'd filed onto the housing of his watch for just such an occassion..

When he'd get enough leverage he kicked them off and slipped down off the table and onto the floor The table as stll carrying the weight of X underneath it so very quickly spun round, catching X a nasty blow on the head and knocking him clean out cold.

"oh damn" said Arthur. "Sfret?"

"Yes" said Sfret appearing at his left elbow.

Arthur performed the most ungracious and unprofessional double-take ever in his his career.

"but the - how did you? with the?"

"There's a reason Vandaveer hired me to help him brake into the bank - no lock has ver been built that could hold Sfretelanimousopocatepetl The Ninth."
And Arthur turned and the latches that had been holding the monk securely in place were indeed hanging limply open.

Sfret leaned in close aginst the door and began pressing his finger-tips into the flat surface of the metal
"...mmmm yes ...vertail grain.. mmmmm mmmm feels holow - most likely 4 way mechanism on a central barrel. and he began feel his way into the edges, runnig his finger up the seal..."mmmm silicon very good - yes yes."
Then as quickly as he'd strted, he indicated a spot on the door about a two thirds of the way up the door off-centre to the left - "Mr Agent man."

"Yes" said Arthur

"Kick the door here as hard as you can."

Arthur got as best a run up as he could and planted a boot in the spot Sfret had indicated. Nothing much happened except that Arthur awiftly concluded he may have disolated three toes.
Though the sheets of pain washing over his fevered brow arthur was feeling a bit flustered and was breathing heavily in fits it dawned on him this was a fundementally stupid thing to do when they were running out of oxygen and in fac the was beginning to feel a bit light-headed wasn;t an encouraging sign. Containing his rage he stuttered: "WE've got...to get out of here....now!"

"Just a moment" said Sfret, with an infinite calm. There was a sound like 'clunk' 'clunk' 'clunk' 'clunk' *ping* as the bearing holding the bolts in place finally sheared off of it's mount, retracting the locking mechanism and releasing the seal.

And with a little effort Sfret pushed the door aside enough for him to squeeze out into the corridor. True to their word the underground base had been abandonned and Sfret stepped out into pitch blackness.

"We must hurry" he urged arthur who ran back to the unconscious form of his partner undid the latches and hefting him on his shoulders ran after Sfret.

"Ze Girl is coming with us"

and Sfret put his ear to the door "mmm mmm sounds hollow"

I wasn't concentrating.

< Not a good time to ask but is there gonna be a Storytime 4 (IV) ? >

Controlled panting as he hefted his partner, Arthur followed Sfret's footsteps through the complex, turns indicated by short sharp scrapes from the monk's footwear.

"They couldn't have gotten far..." said Arthur, who ending up hitting into Sfret who had apparently stopped.

"There is-" replied Sfret who was looking around, "-a unique lock-down system...
"Ah!" Sfret padded forwards with excitement and turned a corner.

Arthur listened.
There was a light whistling noise in the distance.
Following, Arthur hit Sfret again.
"Look!" whispered Sfret.
"Where?"
"There! Where my finger is pointing."
"I can't see your bloody finger!" hissed Arthur but his eyes caught a small ammount of light in the distance which clicked off.
The whistling continued, now with a rolling noise.
The spy and monk combo moved forward to where the light had been.
Their heads moved to the left where a long corridor was illuminated.
There were five exits.
The two ran to the middle of the passage.
"Which door is the right one??" Arthur asked looking down the set of openings.
Sfret held up his hand. "Wait for it...."
The corridor's lights blinked out leaving only one passageway that wasn't plunged into darkness.
They followed.
The system continued: Entering a lit room and waiting it switched off before following another lit exit.

Skidding to a stop, the two ducked into an alcove as a black sillohette in overalls, swinging keys, walked away from them, whistling and pulling a mop cart with him. It stopped and looked behind before continuing flicking a switch off. The light went out.

"That's the system?" spat Arthur.
"Yes, what were you expecting?" Sfret answered.
"Well not a janitor!"

< Can't drop by your userspace... It's digibox deadly! >

"When we we captured and brought down to the cells by Daltmooreby the lair Vandeveer had at the gold-club was quite small - there was none of this - long passageways and certainly no janitors!"

"Your quite perceptive Mr Robinson"

"Famed for it. This can only mean one thing." Arthur ruminated.

"What is that?"

"That knockout gas was stronger than I thought - they must have moved us to a different location - we could be anywhere!"

"Agreed." said Sfret

"We'll hav eto follow him hope he leads us to an exit - just be prepared - he may not be friendly." Arthur cautioned.

"let's go" said Sfret - and got smacked by a mop in the face for his efforts.

< E-mail address? >

< clive_the_flying_ostrich at hotmail dot com

just wanted to be sure digibox could handle e-mail. >

< I'll send a message now... >

< Right. Done! >