H2G2 Storytime III (From Prussia with Love)
Created | Updated Sep 6, 2006
So anyway where were we?
In the first instalment of our thrilling adventure
serial,
the basic Thrust of the narrative, if you will, was a
pseudo spy-thriller of revenge, romance and narrow
escapes from situations of Great Peril and so forth.
In a riotous opening scene our hero Bob and heroine
Jill, discovered a small dead blue fish.
The fish was the intended recipient of a secret tape
from the head of a Spy Organisation known as The
Agency. The man that delivered the tape, a
nondescript and plain looking UPS employee, is in fact
one of the senior most operatives working for the
Agency.
Now as it turned out, The Agency were in fact the good
guys. Our central Bad Guy emerged under the guide of
a Russian ex-Mafia KGB enforcer known as The Red
Leicester.
Leicester, it was revealed, had a storied past with
the Head of the Agency, the former UN Secretary
General, Boutros Boutros Ghali. These two
nemeses...nemesisis?
enemies had in the past engaged in such a climatic battle that it
nearly took the life of Boutros Ghali. So dreadful
were the wounds Leicester inflicted upon him that only
his head survived and was cryogenically preserved in a
jar.
Bob and Jill having become embroiled in this espionage
plot were pursued by actors pretending to be Nazi SS
Guards and they were led by the evil Richard .E.
Grant. Grant was working for one of the Red
Leicester's henchmen, an assassin and debauched
alcoholic, called Gonzaroolio.
The Agency dispatched two of its top agents to assist
in the capture of Gonzaroolio, however Agents Arthur
Robinson and X arrived too late to prevent Grant's
assassination at the hands of Gonzaroolio.
Arthur, X, Bob and Jill (now revealed to also be a
Secret Agent along side Arthur and X) join forces to
pursue the leads to Gonzaroolio and The Red Leicester.
Bob is deputised into The Agency and takes up a
mission to bug Gonzaroolio’s base. Unfortunately he
is captured, beaten and while unconscious suffers from
a hallucinatory dream...
Bob came to slowly. He was in what
appeared to be a darkened room and lay on a bed with
red satin sheets lit by a dim red light.
...
A girl appeared suddenly beside him: talk, dark and
predatory - perhaps she had been there all the time -
She took a glass of brandy in her long red-nailed
fingers and lifted his head so he could drink.
Relishing the moment Bob thought, "Well, this could
have been a lot worse".
"Bob." The girl whispered his name in a seductive
foreign accent. "Please believe me. You are safe. I
have a message for you."
"The dying pilchard bleeds under a turquoise moon.
"
"This is all I have time to say, I must go now." she
whispered before appearing to melt back through the
curtains.
Now this phrase "The dying Pilchard bleeds under a
turquoise moon.” will recur numerous times throughout
the mangled plot and eventually (we promise) be
revealed as being fantastically important.
The finale to Storytime 1 takes place on an island
hideaway, deep underground in an abandon chemical
missile silo.
The silo exploded killing Boutros Boutros Ghali and
The Red Leicester.
Guy, Boutros's second in command (and also the UPS
deliveryman from the start of the story) inherits
control of The Agency at this point but is badly
injured in a confrontation with Leicester before the
explosion.
For those of you concerned with such matters Boutros
gets into heaven for a lifetime of good deeds and
Leicester, naturally spends the rest of eternity in
the Boiling Pits of Hell.
In the epilogue, Guy is recovering from his injuries:
he instructs Bob and Jill to stay out of trouble and
sends Agents Arthur and X away on a mission to
discover the true meaning of "The Dying Pilchard
Bleeds Under a Turquoise Moon."
At this point Arthur and X leave the story for an
extended hiatus.
Here we enter the darker and mysterious world of the
Second Instalment of H2G2 Storytime.
The Authors of this second volume of the collected
adventures of The Agency, were clearly in communion
with Dark Forces during its inception, since the text
is over-ridden with mention of matters spiritual and
occultist ne'r-do-wells.
Bob, mild-mannered soul that he is, would happily have
followed Guy's instructions and avoided any sort of
danger and malevolent powers. Sadly however, The
Dangerous and Malevolent Powers have every intention
of finding him.
One of Leicester's former employees - the devoutly
loyal double Agent Tim, attempts to summon the spirit
of Leicester through a Ouija Board. Something went
badly wrong however, and instead of resurrecting the
psychopath Leicester, he instead brought back from the
Nether Regions of The Beyond the very dead,
despotically evil and completely deranged monk
Rasputin.
Rasputin initiated a bid to take over the world and
destroy it. He was a bit upset that God never
answered any of his prayers and forced him, as he saw
it, to turn to a life of sin and depravity, working to
corrupt the Tsar’s rule on Russia and culminating in
Rasputin’s eventual murder by Russian aristocratic
loyalists.
God meanwhile had other things to worry about. His
eternal rival Satan exploited Rasputin's escape from
Hell to launch another challenge to God's rule over
the Universe. He grants Leicester The Mark of Hell and
releases the newly demonised Leicester from of The
Fiery Pits to mix things up back on Earth with the
eventual aim of returning Rasputin back to The Ninth
Circle of The Damned.
In this time Rasputin successfully deposes the serving
President of The United States and assumed command of
the World’s largest and only Super-Power - his demonic
visage was masked by powerful telepathy and his mind
control quickly subjugated the world population. A
mysterious woman called Annabel aided him in his
efforts. She is a member of an ancient cult who
foresaw Rasputin's Ascension, though to what dark ends
is never really clear.
Also at hand is that dapper double-crosser Tim, who
begrudgingly works for Rasputin but who is nonetheless
very relieved when Leicester appears and starts laying
waste to stuff.
Rasputin meanwhile is secured far underground.
Annabel had prepared a lair for him beneath the
ancient monolithic site of Stone Henge.
This place is rich in occult energy that Rasputin will
tap into using an ancient device to initiate the
Apocalypse.
In a raucous final act, The Agency stormed the Stone
Henge Visitors centre and located the underground
lair.
Leicester made it there before them however, but
Rasputin was prepared and used a magical incantation
to transfer the demon's consciousness into the body of
a small white kitten.
Deciding to ditch the occultist calling she had had
handed to her and rather attached to being alive,
Annabel betrayed Rasputin and made good her escape.
While all this earthly excitement is going on, on the
divine end of things, God has sat down with The Devil
to settle the fate of “who controls The Universe over
a game of Paper, Scissors and Stone.
Before the game is concluded however, Gods appointed
Bob as his Divine Champion. Just in the nick of time
as it turned out, since Bob is very quickly then
forced into a one-one one match with Rasputin, in
which despite The Monk's seeming invincibility Bob
eventually triumphs; tragically Gonzaroolio1 is killed in a
fatalistic sacrifice.
Annabel's final bid for freedom involved teleporting
out of the chamber using the very device that Rasputin
had tried to destroy the world with. In so-doing
however, it becomes impossible to stop the device's
own self-destruction. It imploded taking Bob, Stone
Henge and the Lair of Rasputin with it.
Everyone else ran away and survived.
God who always likes to see his champions done well by
returns Bob’s soul to the Earthly realm. However God
tells him that Bob has no chance in Heaven of getting
Jill to like him. So like any good petulant human,
once back in his mortal body and subject to things
such as hormones and glands, he blithely disobeys and
fawns over her just as much as before.
Annabel, as planned, had transported back to the
temple of the cult that appointed her Rasputin's
accomplice. Her mission though is far from over...
Leicester was very annoyed at being reduced to a cute
kitten and wrecked terrible vengeance on the Squadron
of U.S Marines instructed to guard him. He located
Tim his faithful servant and together they struck out
for pastures new - eventually settling down in a small
un-regarded cottage in an idyllic countryside setting
occupied by an old blind woman.
Guy debriefed all the agents and instructed Heddingly,
Bob and Jill to recuperate by going on holiday.
Guy meanwhile went to check up on his old friends
Arthur and X and found them fleeing some as yet
unidentified THING.
SO: IN SUMMATION THEN:
SECRET AGENTS ARTHUR AND X
WILL RETURN...
Arthur and X will go beyond adventure and daring and find terrible danger which they will
anxiously run away from!
Which may or may not involve Prussian goat-herders.
What does "The Dying Pilchard Bleeds Under A Turquoise Moon." Actually mean?
Who are mysterious Cult of The Dying Pilchard?
What is their Goal?What is the real truth of Annabel's amazing secret agenda?
Accountants who live amazing double lives!
Swivel chairs! Spacecraft!All this and more to be found in
the third thrilling instalment of 
1
A Recent convert to The Agency and now fighting
alongside the Good Guys.
A Recent convert to The Agency and now fighting
alongside the Good Guys.
