h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As the season nears a close, Arsenal win the real-life Premiership, but our league is still open. Number Six had a poor week, with an unusual zero next to Thierry Henry's name, and either GreyDesk or Odo could pinch it off him yet.

Further down, Uncle Heavy relives the good old times with a weekly top of 15. More intriguingly, Andy G is only 8 points short of Psycorp, despite starting several weeks later and without the full cohort of players to choose from. Kudos would indeed be due were Psycorp to follow his beloved Leeds to the bottom two...

B

Do you have relegation in this

JEFF STELLING: So, Egon, are you disappointed with your team's performance this season

EGON: I think we done well. I'm saying, fourth place is acceptable- it's a champions league spot which we would have taken at the start of the, um, season, to be fair.

JEFF: but to still trail the "Players With Nice Names" must be a hard pill for "Brett Angell's All Star XI" to swallow?

EGON: Well, jeff, I'm saying there's a little thing called "beginners luck". Oh, and that little fella, whatsisname, the podgy scouser, Roonaldo, he must have helped.

JEFF: what about their defender, Knight

EGON: Well, I like Zat, and Zat's the way it is

JEFF: Egon, thank you.

Oh dear.

Relegation is certainly an option. If I garnered enough interest next year, I'd be prepared to run a concurrent 1st and 2nd Division - each division would then have a separate player list.

Of our twelve competitors, I would put the top 5 plus Andy G into the 1st Division and the next 5 plus Brasilian into the second division. Assuming they all wanted to take part, that is.

B

Hey, what was the "oh dear" for?

If you were going to choose anyone to be interviewed by, you could've picked someone more exciting that Jeff Stelling, couldn't you?

Big Ron would've been a good start. You've got 2 1/2 black palyers for him to be racist about.

B

Hey, it's not myn fault that Sky Sports News is the official news service of Phantasy Phootball, is it? (at least that's what Jeff told me. he said you'd had an agreement with him. Something to do with shitloads of cash and the bribing of any strikers playing against fulham when Zat Knight's on the pitch. HE said irt was a "I'll scratch his back, he scratches mine" kinda thing between you. I could take this to the press you know...)

Well, I think Zat Knight is damn good player. In fact, he is one of the several players on Odo's team that I 'helped' her choose.

B

I still want to know how the hell "Wayne Rooney" can be considered a "nice name".

It was more of a 'subtle hint from boyfriend' choice, that one. Plus the fact she'd actually heard of him, of course.

B

Ah. So basically the good players you picked, the silly names, she did?

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

B

How dare you!!!!! I knew Wayne Roony played for England so that's why I picked him. ANd as for Zat KNight, he was one of my original choices too. There are only two players on my team that I was nudged towards..... one of those has been a complete waist of time to.

I may not have the foggiest about or what most of the positions on the team actually do on the field zone wise etc, but I am not having B claim that he chose my team for me!

I'm third bottom, Leeds are third bottom.

My team's shite, Leeds are shite.

Leeds got beaten by Pompey, I got beaten up by Pompey (twice in one season)

The similarities are astounding.

Ouch.

OOh, which shite did B nudge you towards then, Odo?

And I take it that Roonaldo was in fact chosen as you knew who he was rather than for a nice name.

I don't think Ronaldo was ever part of my team..... One Mr Ferdinand was however until he got his dates muddled.

Ah, I realise I've gone too fast.

"Roonaldo" is a nickname given by Everton Supporters to Wayne Rooney, on the grounds that we reckon he's the most exciting teenage striker since RONaldo (Ranaldo nazario da Lima- or some arrabngement of those names), the Brazilian who now plays for Real Madrid...

Ah, tell you what, just forget it...

Ah, "forgetful" Rio

(at least i presume you emant rio and not Leicester's Les Ferdinand, Rio's cousin)

I thought it was a typing error.

And yes, I had Rio not Les (who I only discovered existed on Saturday). Silly chap, he was gaining me a fair few points at the start of the season.

Aye, but I's enjoying his suspension, even if you and Man United aren't...

Are you still beating me in this?

*goes to look at main page*

Oh,a nd I can see why, wityh my track record, you thought Roonaldo was a typo.