h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm still debating with myself if it's the time I squeezed my finger really badly, or the time I broke my ankle - but the finger pain was so much more intense, so I'll settle for that:

I was sitting in a deck chair on sun deck on a small cruising ship in the Mediterranean ocean. The deck was becoming really crowded, so I decided to go somewhere else. Grabbing the armrests of the chair I tried to heave myself up, but the chair decided to fold itself together - with my right hand middle finger caught between two pieces of wood with my whole weight pressing them together!

I held back a scream and untangled myself und hurried off to the cabin I was sharing with a friend. Once there I finally let out the scream, and then sat down to examine my finger. A crush wound, only it was caught beneath my finger nail. It was bleeding a *lot* but all of the blood was caught under the nail.

I ran to the ship doctor's office, but he was busy with another patient, and I was told to return in 20 minutes. Back in the cabin, I sat down on my berth and started crying, because the pain was becoming so bad it was hard to stand. In horror I watched the tip of my finger expand because of the bleeding - I am *not* exaggerating when I say it became twice if not thrice as big as usual - I could not get my ring off because the *tip* of my finger was so swollen! I had no idea skin could expand that much!

At this point my friend stepped in and wondered what was going on. She managed to soothe me and stop my crying - instead, I started muttering the ugliest rudest words I could think of under my breath while rocking back and forth - I just couldn't sit still because of the pain.

She accompanied me to the doctor's office - luckily! The ship was Italian, and the doctor only spoke Italian! Fortunately my friend had been married to an Italian and spoke the language pretty well.

I asked her to translate 'tell him he can't touch it unless he kills the pain somehow!' as my finger was feeling very sore at the slightest touch. The doctor sprayed some kind of chilling spray that briefly numbed my finger, and then he attempted to burn a hole through the nail to let the blood out - but it failed, because the blood seemed to have partly clogged up.

Then, much to my consternation, the doctor started cutting my finger nail as short as possible. This really hurt, and I was beginning to feel faint, with a rushing sound in my ears and a blurred vision. Struggling to stay consciuos I suddenly realized I'd probably be better off unconscious, so I gave in and fainted, leaning forward over the table that we were sitting next to.

This did not last long enough though, and I woke up feeling very . I struggled to get free from the doctor, but he had my finger in a very firm grip. I tried to frantically explain that I had to vomit - unfortunately my friend could not think of the Italian word for 'vomit'. The doctor grimly continued cutting my nail, and I ended up throwing up on the floor.

The doctor calmly finished cutting and then moved over to the other side of the table with me, shrugging and saying something like 'that is why we have seamen - they'll clean it up'

He pulled out a tool - and now I realized what he was going to do! It was a very thin scalpel, and he was obviously going to stab it in under my nail! I closed my eyes and turned my head away - and then I screamed right out! AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

OK, now I understand why pushing splinters under nails was (or still might be) a popular method of torture - the pain was excruciating (if I had known any military secrets I'd been babbling like a fool) - I just hope no one was waiting for their turn outside the doctor's office... ...it looked quite empty by the time we got out.

The pain did not last for long though, and the relief was almost immediate as the blood started squirting out across the table with quite a lot of pressure behind it, the jet high and arched. The doctor muttered something about 'let it bleed, the more the better'.

Once the most acute pain was over, I started noticing the world around me again. My hair was hanging down into my face, and as I pushed it back I noticed my face was dripping wet - from cold sweat. The doctor discreetly indicated that there was a bathroom behind the door in the corner where I could freshen up while he bandaged my finger that had now stopped bleeding.

Afterwards I headed straight for the bar, feeling very much in need of something with alcohol in it - and immediately attracted a lot of attention from other people in our company who were sitting there. Apparently I was still looking quite dishevelled and my face white like paper - but I assured them that I felt quite alright *now* - at least compared with how I had been feeling earlier.

One of our friends told us about a friend of his who had had the same kind of accident while doing some work on a cottage in the middle of nowhere - his wife had taken the car and the kids to go shopping, and the nearest doctor was miles away. He ended up drilling a hole through his own nail because he could not stand the pain

I can still see the scar from the wound through my nail - but I don't need it to remember the worst pain (so far in life) that I've ever experienced.

Vommit inducing pain, fantastic!! The hole in the nail thing is called trephineing (not 100% on the spelling) it's the same term for relieving intercranial pressure by boring holes through the skull.

The most pain I've ever suffered was toothache (a some what poor term for the extreme agony I went through) I don't remember much of the night, being doped up on co-codamol, ibuprofen and the cheapest whiskey I could find (Co-op's home brand canadian I believe) but during the afternoon I was squirming on the bed, crying intermittently, with an apparently invisible red hot poker going through the top right molar's and into my brain. The dentist the next day drilled a fine hole through my tooth and the collection of pus drained into my mouth (much like trephineing) and I would have kissed the old begger had I not suffered halitosis from alcohol and oral cavity pus.

Isn't it crazy that such pain should be described as "Oh, just a bit of toothache."

I once got whacked in the face with a hockey stick (by the County Champion no less!), and though the tooth looked alright, and abcess formed in the bone behind it. Nothing I've ever experienced comes close to that pain.

But I was made to feel like a right sissy! I got no sympathy from anybody. After all, everyone has toothache at some time. But at that moment pain became the focus of my universe; I truly beleived it would never stop. It's four a.m., I haven't slept in a week and I just want it to stop. Please. Just stop.

Our minds are designed to forget pain, so we can't really empathise with those going through it. But whether it's a life-threatening disease, or just a tooth-ache, it's real for the sufferer and I beleive a little sympathy is fully deserved.

Mojo