h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

special bonus if you manage to get rid of the bloomin' paper clip "assistant"

Nah, they should do it with OpenOffice.org, it's free and doesn't have an assistant that's anywhere near annoying - it's just a lightbulb. And you can turn it off.

You'd have to create different divisions based on your application such as in motorsport, you could then work your way up the scale, or be stuck in your favorite area as you where never quite good enough:

MS Word - Forumla 1 (the highest technology, with gagets most don't understand)
Wordperfect - F 3000 (almost F 1 but not quite as gagety)
Textpad - Formula Nippon (Japanese style, using your custom character sets)
Wordpad - Formula Renualt (fast and with a few features like wings)
Notepad - Formula Ford (fast and very simple)
Open Office - Dirt Oval Stock Car Racing (where you build your own car from parts all you mates built or scavanged from recks by the kerbside)