Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt

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Roosta Towel by Amy Ant


Get this. If you take the world 'laughter' and then put an 's' in front of it, you get: 'slaughter'. And now, if you take that and put the word 'man' in front of it you get 'manslaughter'. And if you take that and put the word 'cow' in front of it you get 'Cowmanslaughter', which, in Idaho, is the offence of accidentally killing someone while being a cow in charge of an unauthorised motorbike. Most cows are aware of this, and that its an easy rap to beat, but much harder is 'being a cow in charge of a stolen vehichle'. This is why you will never see a cow on a motorbike in Idaho.

If you did see one, it would be an anomaly. That's why I mention the cows. Because this grunt does not concern cows. Sorry, but it doesn't. If you want to read about cows I can recommend 'One hundred and one interesting places to visit with a cow' by Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins. Or 'Men are from Mars, Cows are from Idaho', also by Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins. Or else, there is the old standard 'Cows! Aren't they Great?!' by Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins. But you won't get much more out of me about cows. Not here, anyway.

Off course, you might raise the complaint that it really is very hard to find good stuff on cows these days. They rarely appear on Breakfast Television, for instance, and a cow has not had its own tv show since the nineteen sixties, when Udderly Serious, the radical political show for cows, was hosted by Moo the Prisoner. Who can forget that one, eh? Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins certainly doesn't. In his excellent book, 'Moo the Prisoner and "Udderly Serious"', McGubbins recall's Moo's catchphrase 'Yeah, but where's the milk?.' American families from New York right across to Washington would repeat the phrase and laugh out loud to themselves. Well, that's according to Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins anyway, but he could be making it all up for all I know. I don't remember anyone asking 'Where's the milk?.' and I sure as heck don't remember no Moo the Prisoner, but if I say that, does anyone listen? No. Too busy out eating their fancy sandwiches and talking into their mobile stereos. That's what it is.

I could, of course, have written about cows, and not anomalies. I might very well have chosen to do so. I could equally have written about cows and not, for example, the radical popster 'Cliff Richard'. Of all the billions of things in the universe, I could have chosen not to write about any of them. I chose, instead, not to write about cows. Perhaps you cow-loving maniacs out there could take some comfort from this fact. For as Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins says, 'All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the cows.' And, well, that's a thought isn't it? A disturbing thought, perhaps, but a thought nonetheless.

Anyway, if I was Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins, I would probably devote this grunt entirely to the dignified, yet deluded, cow. Perhaps they do deserve more exposure in the media than they get these days. Perhaps, as Jack ('I Love Cows') MacGubbins says, if we only paid more attention to cows - if we only listened to the music of their thoughts - then this planet would turn into a big purple crystal covered in daisies. Is this the kind of world we want for our children? I know I don't. I want a world filled with banks, so they can get nice respectable jobs and I can tell the neighbours over a cup of tea and some hobnobs 'Oh yes, little MacGubbins Junior works at the bank.'

And of course, I would then have to say 'And yes, indeed I am working on another book - thank you for asking! It is called "The Cow in the Twenty First Century - Its role as Leader" and it is available in all good bookshops from next week.' Now then. Anomalies.

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