A Conversation for Dichotomous Lives of Abuse Survivors

Er......yes!

Post 1

zendevil


It is quite an eerie feeling, seeing oneself described so accurately in print!

If this helps even ONE person actually begin to understand what it is like going through life trying desperately to achieve a sense of balance without being weighed down by the horrors of the past; then you deserve a medal!

My major ambition at the moment is to continue writing a book about this sort of thing; I would very much welcome your contribution to this.

No doubt my smiley logo makes a bit more sense now to those who were wondering about it!!!

smiley - zensmiley - devilTerri.


Er......yes!

Post 2

Researcher U197087

smiley - ok Thanks Terri; I like the sound of a collaborative book, I was planning a few more articles in this area. Hopefully we can work out something more insightful with our experiences. I'll be in touch soon smiley - biggrin


Er......yes!

Post 3

zendevil


Hi Krispy,

Just posted on the Survivors Group & also sent you an email. I'm going to put a link to your article on my journal space (the "eyes" thread, wher all my mates cogregate):; plus I am sending it as a lnk by email to various "RL" people I know who are personally affected by this.

Be prepared for a bit of feedback; I hope you're ready for this!

All I can say is a very, very huge thank you.

smiley - zensmiley - devilTerri


Er......yes!

Post 4

Tefkat

Yes. Thank you.


Er......yes!

Post 5

psychocandy - Moderation Team Leader

Indeed... I've had to forward the article along to a few friends in hopes that they might now understand where my 'idiosyncrasies' and 'eccentricities' come from.

Thank you, Krispy. smiley - hug


Er......yes!

Post 6

chaiwallah

Dear Krispy,

Sound work! Horribly familiar.

It took a while to track this article down again after it disappeared from the Front Page, I couldn't find it in Peer Review, and eventually found it by typing "abuse" into the H2g2 search.

I have written a book on surviving childhood sexual and physical abuse called "Another Man's Poison," which Harper Collins looked at, complimented me on, but then said that there was no buying public for such a "personal" account as mine.

Abuse has come up over on the Interracial Breeding thread, and also on the God, Fact or Fiction thread. Is there some way of getting this excellent and crucial discussion out into the open a bit more? There's a big audience waiting.


Er......yes!

Post 7

zendevil



YES!!! YES!!!YES!!!

Maybe now is the bloody time at last!

We have GOT to make them listen!!!

I am so sorry to hear about the short sightedness of the publishers, sadly, it doesn't surprise me; I fully expect a similar response to mine, which certainly won't make pleasant bedtime reading, especially for anyone who works for Social Services or the Mental Health Authorities!

I am fully prepared to kick up a hell of a stink about all this!

How can I get hold of a copy of the book?

I have quite a few websites I have found whilst researching my book, if anyone is interested I will track them down; some are on my journal space inthe "my favourite links" bit.: please feel free to visit!

smiley - zensmiley - devilTerri.


Er......yes!

Post 8

Researcher U197087

Blimey, what have I started? smiley - winkeye Well it's great that this article is helping people already. Thanks for sahring it.

I'll definitely get back to you soon Terri, but there's loads afoot at the moment..

Take care all smiley - hug

smiley - donut


Er......yes!

Post 9

chaiwallah

Dear Terri,

Presuming that you are asking for a copy of my unpublished tome............

I have only one bound copy of the MS at present. My case was quite particular, being the journal of a journey through "Healing" where the sexual abuse was homosexual and incestuous by a much older sibling. We have to be very careful indeed about confidentiality and discretion, as you know. Please email me at [email protected] and we will discuss ways of getting you a copy ( I know where there is one other, which I lent out and which has not been returned.)

Well, dear Krispy, what did you expect? You have done a service indeed. I am thinking of posting a supplementary Guide entry along the lines of "Compensatory Behaviours in Abuse Survivors." My worry is that I am not a professional therapist or a qualified social worker, merely a successful survivor, and therefore not exactly objective in my treatment of the topic.

I might add that I thought I had finally cleared out the last of the abuse scar tissue, but since reading your piece, and these discussions, I have been experiencing an inner energy-storm, fortunately, not overwhelming grief, that at least, has come to an end after ten years of going round the cycle. So, am feeling very activated about this just now.


Er......yes!

Post 10

Researcher U197087

I would love to read that article, Chaiwallah smiley - ok Am I right in thinking it would be along the lines of, for instance, lavishing friends with unnecessary kindnesses to feel 'justifiably' their friend? I do that a lot.. Look forward to talking with you smiley - smiley


Er......yes!

Post 11

chaiwallah

Dear Krispy and Terri,

Here is one result of our conversations, this morning's "work". Sit tight. It incarnates a huge release for me. I hope it doesn't upset or trigger for you more than you can handle. I'm posting it to my abuser.

In love, light, peace and hope,

Chaiwallah

__________________________________________________

I REMEMBER HOW YOU WAITED

I remember how you waited until dark
And then came softly softly up the stairs
Being the boogey man, for you a game,
For me a swift denial of my prayers.

Does it surprise you, after all these years,
That I remember how you waited until dark
To throw my door back with a savage growl,
More frightening than that bulldog in the park?

Do you remember too, how I looked up
To your prowess, in awe of all your skill?
As I remember how you waited until dark,
The apprehension of it haunts me still.

You never tired of taunting, teasing me
The truth is as unpleasant as it's stark -
Your games embraced your sexuality.
I remember how you waited until dark.

It wasn't long, once Mary'd* gone away,
Before you tried to use me as a mate.
I remember how you waited until dark
To show me things I quickly learned to hate,

Things that to this day I just can't forget.
As I remember how you waited until dark,
The heat of you, the smell, the taste, the sight,
Have left an ineradicable mark.

I remember how you waited until dark
To make me hold you, stroke you, "do the trick"
In bed, or bath, you'd tell me, "No, don't stop, don't stop!"
To my small hands you felt so huge and thick.

You came. Excitement, fear, confusion, shame,
I remember how you waited until dark
And said we'd play a special secret game,
You, whom I adored, said, "It's just a lark."

In time the fear receded, not the guilt,
And not the sense of something out of key.
As I remember how you waited until dark
Before you'd come and play your game with me.

But over all these years, you've never said a word -
No hint of grief, remorse, regret - not one remark
To indicate the part you played. You left me scarred.
So I remember how you waited until dark.

29th. April '03

* Mary was my nanny ( yes, it was that kind of childhood.)


Er......yes!

Post 12

abbi normal "Putting on the Ritz" with Dr Frankenstein

smiley - cry
smiley - rose
smiley - disco


Er......yes!

Post 13

chaiwallah

Dear Abbi,

Thanks for the flower, no need for tears now, the return to that scene in the writing of the poem was a huge liberation and release. But I did grieve for the eight-year old child, and I grieve for all children who suffer at the hands of forces beyond their control, wherever, whatever they are.

Which is why I wrote this poem in March:

3 /20

It will rain flowers in Baghdad today,
The magnolias bloom at the end of the road
As the peacemongers shower camellias
On the bright red streets. Daffodils burst
Over the city in bunches, and the elite
Guard reply with snowdrops, white
In the delicate dawn, tulips blazing,
Mimosa burns yellow in a bright
Cascade over cherry and almond flares.
The first bluebells will arrive
Shortly,in the faces of children,
And long-range anemones will spatter the skies
With premature pink. Clematis stars
Will rise to meet them.

It will rain flowers today,
As spring colour shrieks
Through the dark blossoming.

20 March ‘03



Er......yes!

Post 14

abbi normal "Putting on the Ritz" with Dr Frankenstein

vivid poem

"I grieve for all children who suffer at the hands of forces beyond their control"smiley - rose

Me too, Chaiwallah HNM
smiley - disco


Er......yes!

Post 15

chaiwallah

My birthday got off to an extraordinary start yesteday with a phone-call from my abuser!

At first he just said happy birthday and that sort of stuff. Then there was a bit of a pause, then he said he'd got my letter with the poem, (not the last one, but " I remember ...") Then he started saying how sorry he was, how bitterly he'd regretted what had happened between us for years and years.

He was sighing very deeply between each phrase he spoke. God help him, he has finally recognised and acknowleged what he did to me. He finally connected. I was simply overwhelmed with sadness, for him and for me, but mainly for him. He offered to drive up to meet me to talk about it all, if I wanted him to. I told him that that really was not necessary now, that I have forgiven him, that the poem was the final exorcism of it for me, and all that I needed was his acknowledgement, which he had just given me! I said that I hoped that he would now be able to work through his own issues to achieve some kind of resolution, equilibrium, liberation.

I just felt so sad for him. I also felt pretty much shattered. I was shaking afterwards, like some final shedding of an unresolved knot in the heart. I felt shakey for most of the day. It's amazing how very powerful and deep these old emotional issues are, even after years of therapy, meditation and other ways of working through them.

So it was quite a birthday, or re-birth day.

Whoever reads this, take courage. There is an end to the tunnel.


Er......yes!

Post 16

Kyra

Thank you smiley - hug


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