Bluebottle's Bouncy Bouncy Buttocks Blog
Created | Updated Apr 30, 2017
Bluebottle, having found his old ELIZA programme, a 1982 version of the earliest computer program which converses with people like a messenger, decides to attempt to pass the Dmitri test.You may have heard of the Turing test, which was Alan Turing's challenge to test whether a computer could exhibit intelligent behaviour equivalent to, or indistinguishable from, that of a human. Well, the Dmitri Test is Dmitri's following challenge:
I wonder if anybody can get a Chatbot to say 'My hovercraft is full of eels'?
This is a reference to the Monty Python Hungarian Phrasebook sketch from And Now for Something Completely Different. In this sketch, an alleged English-Hungarian Phrasebook had, with malice aforethought, been published with intent to cause a breach of the peace as innocent phrases in Hungarian had been replaced with silly and suggestive ones. Well, I attempted to get ELIZA to say as many of these phrases as possible, including:
- I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
- My hovercraft is full of eels.
- Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
- If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- I am no longer infected.
- You have beautiful thighs.
- Please fondle my buttocks.
As well as bonus points for other Monty Python quotes, especially if featured in And Now For Something Completely Different.
Like DEATH in the Discworld, ELIZA always talks in BLOCK CAPITALS while I typed in sentence case. Please find our conversation below:
HOW DO YOU DO. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM.
Your hovercraft is full of eels.
REALLY. MY HOVERCRAFT IS FULL OF EELS.
Yes, your hovercraft is full of eels.
POSSIBLY YOUR HOVERCRAFT IS FULL OF EELS.
There are a lot of eel-filled hovercraft around these days, there must be an infestation.
DID YOU THINK THEY MIGHT NOT BE A LOT OF EEL?
They are especially fond of filling hovercraft.
WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THEY WERE NOT ESPECIALLY FOND OF FILLING HOVERCRAFT?
As the hovercraft service between Ryde Isle of Wight and Southsea is one of the main transport links to the Island, I must say yes.
YOU SAY YOU MUST SAY YES.
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.
We were discussing that you will not buy this record, it is scratched,
OH, I WILL NOT BUY THIS RECORD?
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
No, we are really talking about how you will not buy this record, it is scratched.
WHY NOT.
It is a scratched record.
I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW?
I feel let down that you will not buy this record, it is scratched.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.
Please fondle your buttocks.
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED OVER MY BUTTOCKS?
Please fondle them.
PLEASE GO ON.
Please fondle your buttocks.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN BUTTOCKS?
Do you know Monty Python's Hungarian Dictionary sketch?
OH, I KNOW MONTY PYTHON'S HUNGARIAN DICTIONARY SKETCH.
Please fondle your buttocks.
ARE YOU ENVIOUS OF MY BUTTOCKS?
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW?
Please fondle your buttocks.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S BUTTOCKS?
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT – WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.
Please fondle your buttocks.
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED OVER MY BUTTOCKS?
You will not buy this record, it is scratched.
OH, I WILL NOT BUY THIS RECORD?
It is scratched.
IT IS SCRATCHED.
This is an ex-parrot!
WHY DO YOU SAY PARROT?
Lovely plumage, the Norwegian Blue. It is pining for the fjords.
DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS?
This is an ex-parrot.
I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER WHEN YOU SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day.
I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU?
He chops down trees, he eats his lunch and likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
And now for something completely different.
WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?
He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
Please fondle your buttocks.
YOUR BUTTOCKS?
Would I want to come back to your place bouncy bouncy?
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
You are no longer infected.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NO LONGER INFECTED?
Do I want to come back to your place bouncy bouncy?
WHAT WOULD IT MEAN TO YOU IF YOU GOT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE BOUNCY BOUNCY?
I would be fluent in perfect Hungarian.
DO YOU SAY YOU WOULD BE FLUENT IN PERFECT HUNGARIAN FOR SOME SPECIAL REASON?
Please fondle your buttocks.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN BUTTOCKS?
Goodbye.
THANK YOU, THAT WILL BE $200. HAVE A NICE DAY!
So at the end I think I get points for 'My hovercraft is full of eels', 'I am no longer infected', 'Come back to my place bouncy bouncy', half a point for 'I will not buy this record, it is scratched' but nil for 'Please fondle my buttocks'.
