h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...and I'm talking here about buses crammed full of adolescent boys. We had a school tour recently down through Europe, from Cherbourg overnight down to Barcelona. The most important thing to remember if you ever find yourself in this situation is to try to remain awake. There'll always be some guy with a razor, a can of shaving foam and a grudge. I don't speak from personal trauma, but believe me, from the sidelines it looks pretty bloody funny.

It's pointless writing about the etiquette of these situations, as all forms of manners go right out the window, so concentrate instead on survival. Bring some music, a large collection of magazines and a travel pillow. A hoody is a good idea for cushioning your head and foiling would-be attackers. If you want to avoid midnight terror involving hair loss, sit near a teacher - their person is sacrosanct. If you do want to play a practical joke (do), make it something which probably won't either scar or mortally endanger the victim. A popular ploy is getting someone who's half-asleep, putting them in a humiliating position (use of props is allowed; rubber implements, victim's limbs, other person's limbs, etc. Be creative) and taking a picture, before waking them up suddenly to general hilarity.

Ahhh...the memory will fade, but the scars will last a lifetime.