h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... don't walk on the sunny side of the street. Only tourists do.
... don't wear shorts and t-shirt. Wear suit and shirt and tie. Don't forget sunglasses!!
... place some Italian newspaper visible in your car (even if it has a non-italian registration plate!). This will cause the possible thief to think that you're working abroad and coming 'home' for family reasons.

... learn the language (true for any country).
... do not use a map. Try to study your map at the hotel and to memorize your way.
... use the Dirk Gently navigation system.
... never enter a bar, cafeteria, gelateria, etc. near a tourist hot spot. This indicates that you are a tourist with a lot of money to spend.
... use your cell phone a lot (no problem if you fake it!), dropping in some words like 'Si, si' (Yes, yes), 'davvero?' (really?), 'va bene' or, even better 'va be´' (ok, allright). These phrases are quite easy to learn and to pronounce. Don't forget to close your phone calls (esp. the faked ones) with 'Ciao, ci vediamo!' (Bye, see you!).
... make sure to have studied the 'Diving Etiquette' Entry of the Guide (true for all countries).
... do not drink wine with your pizza. Pizza is the only dish that goes well with beer in Italy.
... stop drinking wine when you have finished eating. Restaurants are no places for drinking.
... avoid being drunk. This may be something people smile upon in other countries, but being drunk in public is a very serious and embarassing thing in Italy.
... when using public transportation, do not show any interest in what's going on outside the vehicle. Remember that 'you have seen it all'. Read an Italian newspaper instead (faking is ok).

The best paper to put in your car is the "Gazetta del Sport" - this really means you are an Italian worker returning home from abroad. I think it is pink, like the Financial times. Il Tempo is political and more up market.

That's exactly what I always do, TC

Study your schedules and timetables carefully. Be on time for your train or bus. Italian things run late, except when you plan for it. Trains leaving for German speaking countries always leave on time, if not thirty seconds early. All other trains run late, except when you plan for it.

Farmers' markets have the freshest vegetables, supermarkets have the cleanest, and fruit stands have the best.

The cheapest restaurants are often the best. The places that have to answer to the local clientele know that if they can't cook as good or better than "la nonna" they'll be out of business, consequently they serve delicious food. This does not apply to restaurants in tourist centers, which figure ignorant foreigners don't know any better and can be easily fleeced for mediocre (or downright inedible) fare. Take the time to find an out of the way eatery, your stomach will thank you.

When honeymooning in Italy, memorize this simple phrase and you will be treated like royalty. "Siamo sposi novelli."

If you're travelling by car and want a good and unexpensive meal, watch out for the truckers: If you spot a 'hosteria' with its parking lot full of trucks, you can bet that the truckers know why they love to stop there (true for all countries, except for the term 'hosteria').

Jeremy

Just a couple quick spelling corrections:
Osteria
La Gazzetta dello Sport

Viagiattore,

mi dispiace tantissimo (I'm so sorry).

Scrivere l'Italiano é una cosa che non riesco mai a capire ...
(Writing Italian is a thing that I just can't get straight ...)

Anyhow, stopping where the truckers stop definitely *IS* a good idea

Jeremy,
having been a fan and part-time-inhabitant of Asolo, TV for years....

Viagiattore,

mi dispiace tantissimo (I'm so sorry).

Scrivere l'Italiano é una cosa che non riesco mai a capire ...
(Writing Italian is a thing that I just can't get straight ...)

Anyhow, stopping where the truckers stop definitely *IS* a good idea

Jeremy,
having been a fan and part-time-inhabitant of Asolo, TV for years....

This post has been removed.

Post 9 has gone for moderation. As if there was anything moderate about Italian!

I realised the "dello" just as I pressed "post message" - my Italian has been contaminated by my last holiday which was in Spain.

How, pray, do I pass as a sposa novella with 3 kids in tow?

If you're honeymooning with 3 kids, I would imagine passing for a sposa novella would be the least of you concerns.

Gelmo ispolk bhestiam ig nobblegonk? Hed filswat quop movhyt choap is eb nobblegonk. Nobblegonk wetu gelmo skrollit!

If that is an invented language (or is it Mongolian) please don't do that! We had a lot of trouble at the beginning when languages weren't allowed with people doing that and annoying the editors (not the mods, but our own italics) In order to get languages accepted, we agreed to toe the line for a while. It's great fun, though, all the same.

Ah, oops. I wanted to see if they would moderate utter nonsense. It never occurred to me that this was an entirely unoriginal thing to do and that it might have a history. Sorry.

's OK.

Better to be told about it by a peer than pulled up by the mods.