h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have two amusing toilet stories from travels overseas. The first involved my daughter, her best friend and my good self in Turkey. We had just disembarked the first section of a days boat tripping when my daughters friend decided she suddenly (desperately) wanted a toilet. I threw a wobbler for a short time because (as I said to her), "why didn't you go on the boat before we got off?" I subsequent 15 minute panic followed while we tried to find a public lav in a sparsely populated area before we finally stumble across one. "Go", I instructed impatiently, and thus she did, only to reappear within 10 seconds with a pained look. "What now?" I demanded........"there's no toilet paper" was the reply. By now, I was beginning to lose what little patience I had left and told her I'd get some of the damned stuff from the mens. "But.....but....it's not just that" she sulked. "Oh for gawd's sake, what else" I shouted. The came the reply that had me lost for words......"there's no toilet either....someone's nicked it". Obviously, I didn't believe her and walked into the mens to check that particular convenience out, and sure enough, no toilet - just an hole in the ground. Took ages trying to explain to her that the toilet was never there in the first place and no one had 'nicked it'.

Bruges, Belgium 2002...public toilets having a pee when a hand comes round into view and starts wiping down the tiles surounding said urinal in front of me. Obviously, I think...'what the ****' and looked to my side to see a female cleaner doing her job like I wasn't even there. She was polishing and I was peeing only inches apart, very embarrassing and Iwas off like **** off a stick, with the last trickles visible on my trousers...ooops