A Conversation for Coming Out

Trans - Sexualism

Post 1


A few days ago, I saw at BBC-II * a documentary about an English man who discovered step by step, that he lived in a body that was not his. In other words; he discovered that "he" was in fact "she" in a male body.

And after a very long and painfull inner development he=she decided to make from his=her body a real female body, including all the female hormones.
From now on, I will call her Ellen, to give the story clarity.

This whole process of discovering and changing her body happened, when Ellen was already married, and she and her wife had two sons from that marriage.
In 2003 it appeared, that all four of them had shown capable of being sticked together as real members of a living family.

In the documentary - which was made by great skill and care- I saw a family,
that is full of care for each other. Really impressive to watch.
Ellen was far the most sensitive and mature of the four.

At this moment, they live in the English countryside and Ellen makes a living by coaching other "men" in England who discover that they are really female and want to have a body likewise. The organisation where Ellen works, also wants fúll equality in áll legal situations in Britain.
Besides that, their family owns some small cattle around their house and a big vegetable garden.
The wife of Ellen tries very hard to get a job, but is still without.

The questions in this docu were put in two different ways.
Sometimes directly from the producer/interviewer ,who was néver on screen and very reserved in a positive way. And the other way was like this;
the Beep had created a small "studio" in their house and independently
the family members could ask questions to each other that were written down by de BBC ( at the very beginning of the making of this docu.)
This formula gave a kind of calm in the T.V. docu.

It is very difficult for me to describe the vulnerability ánd strenght of this small family of four. At one side they all had entered a new reality and at the sáme time they were succesful in creating a vivid social life in their own village.
Example; the wife of Ellen makes costumes for the local theatre club "to show them that I did not suddenly had to become lesbian because of my marriage with Ellen".
While I am writing this, I suddenly feel the need in me to explain extensively and tell you what she did NOT mean with these words. But that doesn't make sense as a starting point.

Even worse; it is the fatal attitude of "defending" and to "cover oneself", in stead of just showing and explaining.
And from the reader, I expect an open, mature attitude,
That does not mean, they have to agree with what they read. That is theír
problem, not mine.

To me, it is the strength of this family that on their road to cope with their new situation, they did not create a chronic attitude of "defending" this or that.
And above all; they love life too much in its full spectrum, that they don't let that happen.
Having said this, one can expect, that also they have the "right" to be as human as everyone else, including their weaknesses and bad habbits, etc.

No, I would not write respectfully about them, if I would write a big defensive story to give them full cover. They don't need that. They are fár more ahead than I am in these matters.

I am born in the fiftees in conservative Holland and I stíll - in 2005 - don't even feel really comfortably in a large group of homosexuals around me.
I can "forgive myself". Can not restart my youth.( My mature four daughters have many homosexuals as friends, especially the one who runs a modern dancegroup.. They don't know anything else than that it is all fine,
despite their Republican conservative mother. They "spare" her a bit in their stories, but regard her morals as a remnant of the middle ages).

Even now, that I am deeply moved by that BBC docu, I still don't feel completely comfortably by it all. A same feeling that I had at a birthday party of a friend of mine, where I was confronted with that remnant of ambivalence in me.

In hot summer of 2004, we were all sitting in the garden. About fifteen persons. I discovered that the person next to me had a same history as I described about Ellen.
He discovered, he was SHE and finally got a body of a woman.
It was a long struggle and she even was threatened with muder by her family if she wanted to have a medical surgery.
How lonely can one be.

After the surgery, she discovered she was lesbian and after a year she found a female lover.
Anóther year later, they got married in the City Hall of a big city in The Netherlands. That was a whole story for me to contemplate. It almost
felt "comic".
But during the evening, I refound my balance and when I
went home, I even felt some proud to be a Dutchman. To live in a country where - in legal terms - this all is possible. We are a small country, but in
some matters "great". Not forgetting the threats of his family, etc., because
we seem to be tolerant, but underneath it, there was and is a conservative reality.

Well, Dutch birthday parties are notorious for their atmosphere of inbreeding.
But sómetimes, a Dutch birthday party can be really inspiring.
And this one wás.

Greetings from Masterdam, Alfredo

I add a painting by me, that I feel is relevant for this anecdote of mine


* BBC-II 19 Januari 2005 "My dad Diane" (22.00 - 23.00)

Trans - Sexualism

Post 2

Fragilis - h2g2 Cured My Tabular Obsession

I'd like to thank you for your story and the painting that goes with it. What it demonstrates to me is that, whatever your upbringing, you are doing your best now to understand and appreciate others.

It's no surprise to me that your daughters regard any uncomfortable reactions of yours as remnants of an earlier time. They have probably received signals from you that you support their tolerance, regardless of how you yourself react.

If the world needs families like Ellen's to become a better place, it also needs families like yours. In a mere two generations, you will have made an enormous difference in attitude. I have no doubt this will allow you and your daughters to shed light for other families on how to show tolerance in an ultimately conservative society.

Trans - Sexualism

Post 3


Thanks for your reply and I will mail it to my daugthers, only to support them in their way of life.

Greetings from Sexy Amsterdam

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