h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Please note: Your Postings are being pre-moderated and will only appear after they have been approved by a Moderator." Goodbye free and open speech...

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And of course you will have to trade in the News of the World or other preferred Sunday paper for one of the big heavyweights, of the sort that induce a hernia while carrying it home from the newsagent.

Even if you already read the interesting bits of the Observer, be warned: you will now have to read, and digest, all the boring bits you previously skipped over. Like the in-depth interview with the latest artsy-fartsy Turner Prize contender in the magazine, you know, the one that drags on and on and on for ten tedious pages. AND the Style and Design pages to keep up with the latest trends in interior design, where overpriced tat with the right label on it costs ten times more than something useful and functional (but with a silly Swedish name) from IKEA.


And you only read the Review section for the movie reviews and skipped over the rest? Here's the bad news: you will now have to read ALL the literary reviews written by people moonlighting from their day jobs as Eng lit professors at the University of East Anglia (an institution with an incredibly fartsy Lit dept). AND the jazz music page. AND the opera bumph.

Still want to cultivate pretentiousness? It comes at a cost.

NEWS OF THE WORLD CLOSES DOWN
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE BECOME PRETENTIOUS