h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

All-time favourite line from Red Dwarf:

This is from the episode (must be first or second series) where Rimmer and Lister switch bodies so that Rimmer can get Dave's in shape. He ends up pigging out and getting addicted to Lister's body. It eventually comes down to a chase at which point Rimmer crashes his ship. Lister, watching this happen says:

"Oh smeg. What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me!"

This may not be exactly right, but the sentiment is there

Shipwrecked and Comatose, drinking fresh mango juice,
-Matt

Rimmer: GO TO RED ALERT!

Kryton: Are you sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

One from the last series had me in stitches, when the Dwarfer's are returning to the Red Dwarf and accidently collide with a rat's posterior.

To paraphrase,

Holly: "It's lucky we're not flying on Earth - the police don't like it when you're rat-arsed."

Personally I thought that line rather crass and unimaginative.
this is my favourite:-

Lister: Okay, how about we rip apart the mattress, get a thread or wire tie it too the door and set up a kind of pully system, then call the guards when they open the door the trap hoists them into the air we dress Rimmer in one of their uniforms, he pretends to be moving us to another cell untill we find some weapons then we fight our way back to the bug!

Krytan: Or we could just use the teleporter.

Also :- There's been a change of plan LEGGITT!!

The episode to which you refer is called *Bodyswap* and is from the fourth series, not the first or the second.

Actually, I'm wrong as well. *Bodyswap* is in series 3. Sorry.

Now listen here, you stupid monkey, "Cloister" is another word for "God".

But I have to agree that the "Are you sure? It does mean changing the bulb." is without a doubt some of the best timing I've ever seen.

Timeing is what made the programme so brilliant.(At least until series 7) Also the pace was very important.
Here's another example:-

Lister: Now for the ultimate test- Pot Noodle.

I don't like the "rat-arsed" line either. Here's my favourites from series 2.

Rimmerrefering to 3 skeletons) They're all dead.
Kryten: My God. I was only away two minutes.
Rimmer: They've been dead for centuries.
Kryten: No.
Rimmer: Yes.
Kryten: Are you a doctor?

I also love this line from series 7.

Kochanski: I even tried learning what off side was!

The "changing the bulb" line is excellent as well.

"I think, that in all possibility, Wilma Flintsone's the most desireable woman ever to live."

"What about Betty?"

"Betty Rubble? Well, I'd GO with Betty, but I be thinking of Wilma."

"This is an insane conversation."

"You're right. I don't know what we're thinking."

"Yeah. She'll never leave Fred and we know it."

Lister and the Cat, first scene of BACKWARDS. Best bit of dialoge in the series, in my opinion.

Are you sure thats from backwards? I thought the first scene in bacwards was Rimmer and Krytan boarding Star bug.

From polymorph II
Rimmer:- Translate the following into all known languages; including Welsh.

Yep. First scene of Backwards. The second scene is Rimmer and Kryten getting into the Starbug.

Speaking of Starbugs; how many do the boys go through all said? I've counted upto three so fan and I'm only up to season 4.

I think they go through four in total. Despite the fact that they started with just two.

There were loads of Starbugs and Blue Migits in the last episode of Series 8, "Only The Good..." It could be there were ones the Dwarf Boyz didn't know about, being themselves...

No those were the ones that were stolen by Cats people when they left for the search for Cloister. They got rebuilt by the nano-bots with the rest of the ship.

"I'm gonna reach so far down 'is gob I'll be able to rip the label of 'is underpants!"

"I'm gonna rip out 'is windpipe and beat 'im to death with the tonsil end!"

"... and anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema!"

-All quotes from Lister when he loses his fear in Polymorph.
My favorite episode.

>Zax<

My favourite line is:

RIMMER: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or, my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that -- the abbreviation is "CLITORIS."

(PS: For scripts go to this site.
[Broken Link Removed by Moderator])

The first ever scene of Red Dwarf I ever saw was the bit at the start of 'Camille' when Lister was teaching Kryten to lie. It remains one of the funniest ever.

And the best 'Smeg Up' ever has to be:

'Emohawk' - they've got the O/G unit and are heading for Starbug:

CAT: Hold on! What's that?????

KRYTEN: Arghhh! It's the Emohawk!

(cue loads of 'Argghh! noises as they panic when.....)

DANNY-JOHN JULES: Wait a minute, wait a minute guys. Did I say the right line??

CRAIG/CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, you did!

DANNY: Oh ST!! Sorry guys!