h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*setting the scene* driving to work, autobahn (A61 Koblenz to Venlo going round Moenchengladbach), convoy of lorries to the right of me (of course), slow fiesta in front of me, speed limit 120kmh....... WHAM! Big green BMW up my bum. Flashing. Waving his hands around... the usual stuff. Then, as if by magic, we're all past the lorries, the fiesta (bless him) pulls over, and I'm going round him when.... BMW (Bl**dy Mad W***er) pulls into the space of a phone box into the right hand lane and overtakes me on the inside. But... there is a God after all... he's immediately pulled over by the police, and I have pulled in in enough time to give him a sweet smile and a wave as I drive past.... really made my day.

*sigh*
That reminds me of my way to work every morning. I have to go from Köln to Aachen. The A4 has two lanes only and there is a WALL of lorries on the right lane.
Consequently there are only two things that can happen:

1) There is a BMW (Mercedes, Audi...) behind you, flashing their lights from about a mile off - apparantly wanting you to hide UNDER the lorry your just overtaking

2) There is a Vectra (Polo, Ka...) in front of you, who drives EXACTLY at the speed limit on the left lane (although there's nobody on the right lane!), just to teach you a lesson about speeding

I really like to work between christmas and new year because this is the only time of year, when it's a pleasure to drive!

Oh I've been there. But there is also 3, which is a combination of the two, and the BMW etc. behind you can't see the Trabbie in front of you, even when you pull over a bit to let them.

At least you don't have to go on the Stau filled A3, I really have pity every morning when I hear the reports

Another good time to work is around May/June time (ascencion day, and all the holiday bridges) I really like it. And during the last summer holiday there wasn't much. But now: aarrggghhhhhh! it would sometimes be quicker to walk!

Working the night shift is another alternative to circumvent heavy traffic, and it gives the additional pleasure of seeing staus on the other side of the Autobahn.
And there seems to be a rule which says something like "cars other than Daimler & BMW etc MUST NOT overtake trucks with more than 3 to 5kph speed difference", or so. Because, after they finally have managed to overtake a truck, they do accelerate.

But don't you think the worst offenders are those who flash, blink and try to get in your boot (while you overtake 20 nose to bumper trucks) while you do 150kph (which isn't toooooo slow, is it?) and then when you pull in and let them go past they drive in front of you at 140kph. Grrrrrrr!

Oh yes, you are right. If I am overtaking a truck convoy, those guys flashing and hooting will earn a very friendly smile and "hello, nice to see you again" from me (through the mirror, of course), and sometimes they get a gesture of invitation to come in and have a seat in the rear of my car. It works! That's why I think they only want to be recognized.

So what you're saying is that we should pity them, poor unloved souls (wonder why ) and invite them in for a cup of tea and hugs all round? You're never going to get road rage. I, on the other hand, am going to be involved in Waldfeucht's first road rage killing (and I won't be dead at the end of it) if that STUPID A-class Mercedes drives up my bum when I'm stuck behind 475 lorries one MORE TIME! *vein throbbing in my head already*

greeting and inviting others into the backseat is a fine way to calm them down. Once they realize that you have realized them, they see no need for further blinking and hooting -- at least in my experience.
Please forgive me for not knowing what a road rage is. If it is something like a race, I would recommend to not do such things on an autobahn. There, the main goal should be to have everybody reach their destination, without unnecessary delay, alive, and in a stable mental condition. Most of the points in this entry deal with behaviour very likely to drive me insane, and some cover the rest.

You're right. The problem is that most of the flashing/blinking drivers feel that they should have priority over everyone else on the road, irrespective of what all other roadusers (ie the Panda in front of me) are doing. As to road rage, you should be glad you have never encountered it. I was stuck behind a tractor (couldn't see to overtake safely, 2 small kids in my car, for about 3/4 of an hour last year. Blinking/flashing BMW up my bum (I was in a Golf and you can't tell me he didn't notice I was stuck behind a giant green tractor). Eventually the tractor turned off, I speeded up to the max (70kph on a road with plenty of permanent radar traps). I followed the speed limit (and road laws - ie not driving half over the unbroken white line to my right) into town. Due to oncoming traffic Blinking/flashing BMW couldn't get round me. When we eventually stopped at a traffic light, he pulled into the left turning lane next to me, jumped out of his car and started battering my window (which I had hurredly raised). Now, maybe he'd had a bad day (wife left him, sacked, diagnosed with terminal something) I don't know. But there is no excuse for this. And if he had had a gun (which many people where I live do - to keep the rabbit population down) in his car, who knows.....
I refuse to be pushed into breaking the law (speeding - I need my licence too much, and it's unsafe) and driving in a manner with which I feel uncomfortable. I usually drive at the speed limit (unless it's unsafe for some reason) and as far to the right as possible. But for some idiots who are allowed to drive, this isn't enough.
End of rant. Maybe soon there won't be any petrol left and I can stay at home and practice Yogic Breathing!!

It is exactly this situation (stuck behind a tractor, BMW behind ...) where I start smiling into the mirror and waving a big "hello" --- and it always worked. Perhaps it's a different story for female drivers, as german males of the BMW driver brand still have their very own opionion.
My advice would be
1) try it the smiling way
if this fails:
2) just ignore that idiot, don't get angry/nervous by yourself, and if so
3) don't show him that you are angry. This is just likely to start an escalation of agression. An "elephant's skin" is quite helpful in such situations, but needs some time to develop. Well, I can say this from a position of some 100,000km experience, but can't remember how it was when I was a beginner. Surely got me nervous, checking the mirrors and becoming prone to errors.
These days I see those BMW/DB/... drivers quite often within construction places on the autobahns, usually places with a limit of 80kph. With myself driving some 80..90kph, and side by side to a truck, there they are, behind me and doing all this stuff. What I keep doing is: flipping down the mirrors, waving 'hello' and keep concentrating on those extremely narrow lanes.

Actually I tend to stick to the speed limit. And I don't look in the rear-view mirror much. And then I pull in when I can. But it's scary when I'm driving with my kids in the car and I know I can drive ok (got a certificate once from the Army to say so) but those other lunatics could wipe out my kids. That is scary.
And the latest depressing thing: being overtaken by a row of Smarts. Pah!

This is one lesson that I had to learn some 5 years ago. The Fiat Panda looks like a brick that somebody put wheels to, but actually it weights close to nothing (at the price of safety), and an engine of some 60hp makes it a real fast thing. I couldn't believe to be overtaken by several of them in my (then some 200,000km and 10 year old) Volkswagen Scirocco. The lesson is simply that you cannot only judge books by their covers, but also you cannot judge cars by their outward appearance. Well, I don't want do elaborate on rearview mirrors, as my opinion was stated (and deleted, respectively) in the original/edited entry.

Judging books by their covers... my Fiat is only an Uno, but it is a special edition with a far higher HP value than usual (75) and I enjoy overtaking the odd BMW or DB now and again on our local road to boost my ego. I'm afraid I tend to exceed the speed limit, unless I've got the kids in the car, as I am invariably late for everything. Which makes me a bad driver I suppose. Never thought of that.

Of course, I'm worse when the criticism comes from inside the car - but that's another kettle of fish.

Actually, I don't necessarily think that driving fast is bad. It isn't even always dangerous. But often is, and, when all is said and done, it is against the law. You criminal !

I have always paid my fines. Does that absolve me?

yes, it does. But don't do it again!

YessSIR

Oh no, young lady!

Well, I suppose it depends on where the fine money goes.

And what about the speed traps which are just set up to get more money for the Gemeinde? PAH! (still, *smug grin* I don't speed!)

And why was it that on Monday (first day back after the Herbstferien, and raining) I saw 3 crashes - each of which was a big car into the back of a smaller car (probably overtaking the hordes of lorries). And guess what? All the big cars were.......... BMWs!!!! Grrrr! I was really late in

Oh yes, this sounds quite typical. Collecting money along wide streets where you can see children from hundreds of meters away, if there ever were any, or speed trapping on sunday mornings at school bus stops.
And winter is the time where the situation on autobahns reverses. If BMWs and Daimlers are the fastest in summer, then they are the slowest in the winter. They have too much value at risk, or can't handle a car which has the motor in the front and the driven wheels in the back.

hi, I found the best method to get rid of tailgate-kissers was a) get a huge Bart Simpson sticker on the back window. The guy behing me kan blink as much as he likes, I can´t see him unless I try... b) start the rear window washer and spray away !!! Nothing more fun than dumping litres of soapy goo over a nice polished Merc. By the way, it´s not that I ´m a slowpoke on the Autobahn, my old Passat still runs at 190 or so, I still get blasted away.