h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Might I point out the proper name for a "Bacon Sandwich" is a "Bacon Buttie". It is vital that it is called by it's correct name, as otherwise the discerning visitor to the British Isles might get something totally undesireable for their purposees, such as a "BLT" (Bacon, Lettuice & Tomato sandwich), that although with it's own merits is not a "Bacon Buttie". The authour has encountered at least one instance of the possible tale: "Only after 50 years of the most careful negotiation was a religious war averted due to an incautious comment by one road-side cafe-owner on the A1(M), North (outside Darlington) to a trucker regarding the requiste contents of a requested 'bacon sarnie'.".

It is important to have some definitions, to avoid confusion and thus dissatisfaction:

1. The "Bacon buttie": a consumable product that should consist only of: warm, fried bacon, some form of tomato ketchup, two slices of (optionally toasted) bread.

2. The "Bacon Sarnie": this is similar to the bacon buttie, but it is the substitution of other condiments for tomato ketup that make this a "sarnie" and not a "buttie". Note that the mixing of more than one condiment in the same "sarnie" would make this a "bacon sandwich", see below.

3. The "Bacon Sandwich": this is similar to the "bacon sarnie" but allows the addition of other fillings, a mixture of condiments, etc. For example the "BLT" is a type of "bacon sandwich".

From the above definitions, we can see that a more complex heirarchy of such products is available to the potential bacon sandwich consumer. To further aid their choice of their chosen style of "bacon sandwich" the authour has reviewed his extensive field research and extracted the following findings:

1. Back or streaky bacon? (This is a complex topic that also includes cooking techniques, see later.) Research suggests that streaky goes best with the "Mother's Pride"-style white bread. (This flour-based substance is a curious reversible reaction-based bread product in which it is possible, via kneading of the purchased product, to return it to the dough from which it was originally derived. This process is not recommended, unless performed with expert supervision.) Whereas back bacon (smoked or salted, see later) goes best with wholemeal brown bread. Clearly salted bacon is best with "Mother's Pride". Lashings of ketchup (there is only One True Ketchup - Hienz Tomato Ketup (HTK), all others are false prophets) are required to help counteract the saltiness of the streaky bacon.

2. Smoked or salty (with respect to back bacon). This is an area of on-going research for the authour, athough initial findings suggest that smoked (hickory or oak) is likely to be ideal, especially with wholemeal brown bread, and naturally lashings of HTK.

3. Cooking technique. Bacon should not be simply "fried". It is a complex mixture of fat & protiens that have their own cooking properties. We have in back and streaky bacon essentially the two extremes: In back the fat and the muscle are well separated. In streaky they are more-or-less mixed uniformly. Ideally the fat should be cooked until it is crisp, and the muscle should remain juicy and tender. With streaky this is impossible, thus it is ideally cooked until crisp (in a similar technique to the way our US cousins cook their bacon, although they have no knowledge of "back bacon", a loss to their culture in this authour's opinion). But with back bacon this is nearly possible: Layer the rashers in a "stair-case" with the fat parts closest to the pan, and the muscle resting upon the fat of the lower piece. This ensures that the fat is cooked faster than the muscle, giving an approximation to the ideal.

4. Oil or butter for frying. There is currently no clear answer to this question, and it is a subject of on-going research.

5. To grill or fry the bacon. Clearly frying *is* the One True Way. A bacon buttie is to feed the soul, not the body, thus grilling is not acceptable at all. (Unless it is used to help crisp the fat on the rasher.)

6. Toasting the bread. The purist buttie conossieur will never toast their bread. But one must move with the times, and it is considered reasonable to toast the wholemeal slices. One should never toast the "Mother's Pride" white slices. The point of this buttie is to contrast the soft texture of the bread vs. the crispy texture of the bacon. To toast the bread would destroy this vital sensation, and not even HTK would help here. Clearly if the wholemeal bread is toasted, it is likely that more HTK will be required to moisten the buttie to an acceptable level for the palate, otherwise chafing of the upper mouth could occur.

7. Other condiments. It is noted by the authour that "Daddies" sauce, HP souce or Brown sauce is often used instead of HTK. In the authour's opinion, these always lead to an inferior buttie.

8. Extra fillings. Once extra fillings are introduced into a bacon buttie, it ceases to be a bacon buttie. E.g. if lettuice and tomato are introduced, it is then a BLT. If brie is introduced it is also no longer a bacon buttie. It is a brie-and-bacon sandwich. (A perfectly acceptable and delightful product in the authour's opinion, especially when mature brie is used.)

I hope that the above is of some use to the visitor to the British Isles and aids them in their choice of the appropriate "bacon sandwich" for the occasion. This might also be useful for parents bringing up their children to aid them in teaching their children such a vital part of British culture.

Note the entry regarding Heinz Ketchup:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/A440353

For some useful details regarding ketchup and it's pouring.