h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some further relevant data about Cumbernauld:

•Other alii: Cumbershnekkie, Cumberbum, Vietnauld.

•Cumbernauld was indeed designed with the car in mind; relegating the pedestrian to a terrifying, un-signposted, frequently unlit mugger's paradise chain of footpaths, bridges and underpasses. It is theoretically illegal to walk on the roadsides of the town, which is lovely of a scary, foggy night.

•One of the previous chiefs of the town's community education service once observed it was impossible to develop a sense of community in the town, due to its anti-human layout.

•It is reputed that the architect responsible for the car-friendly, people-unfriendly layout of the town later disowned his design.

•If you don't drink and don't play sport, there is almost nothing to do in Cumbernauld. Asides from several sport centres and a stack of public houses, the powers that vaguely be have provided no form of recreation. Specifically, when you're aged beyond after-school clubs and before pubs, ie, 16-18, there is literally nothing going on except joining the illegal assemblies in badly lit undepasses. The attitude of the powers is allegedly due to being stung in the past - they built a skateboard park when the bewheeled buggies became cool, then were left looking stupid when the fad passed. The park was later used by BMXers, moutainbikers and, again, skateboarders; but the powers haven't yet dealt with the more recent 15 years of park history. Additionally, they became offended when they built a "trim track", consisting of a series of wooden apparatus constructed in a thick dark unlit forest at the edge of the town. They were surprised and offended that no one would use it, except the kids with nothing to do, who destroyed it.

•The significant exception that proves the rule is Cumbernauld Theatre, whose community relations arm provides an exciting range of creative opportunities to Shnekkians of all ages. The powers keep trying to close it.

•The powers have, however, succeeded in a several-year campaign to give every roundabout in Cumbernauld its own name. So that's alright.

•The boredom of the kids is illustrated by the frequency of gang slogans, eg, "Abronhill Urban Gorillas #1" (sic). The tradional way to suggest superiority of one gang over another is to add another "1" to the previous slogan, rendering the Urban Gorillas as "#11".

•Famous Cumbernauldians include artist James Zselinski (spelling?) and comedian Craig Ferguson. The first denies it, calling himself Glaswegian; while the powers disowned the latter because he condemned the town.

•The town does actually boast an incredible range of talented young people - notable musicians, writers and artists of all descriptions. It is theorised that the utter boredom of the citizens and the ineptitude of the powers (who only seem to be good at saying "yes" when the other side says "no" and vice-versa) has given rise to creativity out of desparation. Thus, Cumbernauld could be famous as a hotbed of artistic talent, but isn't, because none of the talent has yet spread to anyone with any authority.

•It is frequently surprising to observe Shnekkian siege mentality: when coerced into leaving the town, for example to visit Glasgow or Falkirk, victims cannot relax, feel utterly uncomfortable and out of place, and desperately try to race home ASAP; then they talk about what a good time they had out of town. Acute victims will agree to meet in a pub beyond Cumbernauld then make up wild excuses as to why they couldn't make it. Once made to feel better, victims will begin to edge their way out of town more frequently, but only manage to visit the same ex-Shnekk pub time and time again, until finally, after several years, they approach normality.

•It is this former Shnekkian's experience that no matter when you travel in the world, you'll find another Shnekkian. Resident sof Cumbernauld are usually identifiable by the visible cloud of sadness that hovers permanently above them.

•Cumbernauld can almost certainly f**k off.

Ch;MGW.

All I can say to that posting is...........so true, so very, very true!!

Getting Married is for folk from places like cumbernauld wheres theres f**k all else to do.

i.wesh 'the Acid house'

Another alias I keep coming across in those "Hi, I'm... I'm from..." conversations is "Oh, you mean Scumbernauld..."

Alas, I ended up in Dundee for a few years and it became "Oh, Scumdee..."