h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is absolutely the best piece I have read at h2g2 so far. Well balanced and truthful. Great stuff. I'm assuming you're British or am I wrong? I'm English though I grew up in Wales and now live in Edinburgh. In June I am moving to Bellingham which is North of Seattle to marry a wonderful American.
The thing I've been noticing about Americans (to introduce a sweeping generalisation which perhaps goes against the whole thrust of your argument) is that they tend to swing one of two ways in temperament and lifestyle. Half the population seems to be Homer Simpson in their outlook, downing beer and borritos and swelling to improbable sizes whilst the other half eat mung beans and brown rice and truly believe that cows milk will kill you...in a second.
So yes, I am nervous about moving to America. As time goes on and I consider my move I see that it really is a different culture and I have to assimilate and not tell them that they must orientate instead of orient themselves and be organised not organized. More seriously I am finding that the west coasters are so into showing their emotions and I am concerned about being seen as a miserable, uptight git for being more reticent.
Any thoughts on this, on the prospect of my taking my place amongst the teeming (250) millions it would be good to hear.
Phil

As an American, and, coincidentally enough, a resident of Seattle, let me welcome you to our vast, self-contradictory nation.
Good luck in assimilating. When I lived in Italy, I completely absorbed the culture and became as much like them as I could. They would say, "Ma tu non sei Americano!" You're not American! And I took this to be a great compliment. Somehow, however, I doubt you would be flattered by a similar statement once you've moved here. British who move here are seen to be reticent and attatched to their home culture, and this leads to some "too good for us, eh?" resentment amonst the natives. But I suppose this is true for most foreigners everywhere.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I have lived a good part of my adult life overseas and can sympathize (sympathise?) with the difficulties and anxieties of living in an alien land.
Congratulations on your marriage, but watch out, as the song goes:
"Why are all American girls so rough?
Damn a girl can't ever hurt you enough!
Why do all American girls act so tough?"

I had never heard that song.
I fear that I do indeed have to watch out for coming over all snobbish and stuck up and English. The only reason for the fact that I can come over that way is that I am always right and hence a terrible snob! Actually I am in the middle of reading 'Made in America' by Bill Bryson, all about the American language. Very interesting to see how much of what we Brits see as Americanisation(?) and beyond the pale is actually original old English e.g. pants is a contraction of pantaloons and thus clearly should relate to trousers and not underwear. Obvious really.
It's great to have stumbled thus upon a Seattleite. Where abouts in Seattle are you? What do you do? Why? Where is a good place in Bellingham to buy a Samsung Syncmaster 950p monitor and an Epson 1240u Photo scanner? How tall is the space needle? Is it fun? Tell me all, oh wise one!
Phil

The song is by Weezer.
Its good to see a Brit actually educating himself about the language rather than just assuming that whatever he learned in the public schools is right and whatever Americans say is wrong. Another, but different, example: garage. British pronunciation of this word sounds like "gherridge" to us; we say it like the French, which makes more sense since it is a French word. But I guess you say carport more often, anyway...
I actually live on Bainbridge Island (have you heard of it?) and work in Seattle, but I'm planning on moving to the big city soon. I'm a sculptor and I also work on the computers at my father's office. I haven't been to Bellingham in many, many years, but that stuff can be conveniently ordered on the web, ususally. The space needle is 605 feet tall. It is fun, unless you suffer from acrophobia.

I didn't go to public school. So there. I went to free state school.
Getting into semantic fights over pronunciation is pointless. A lot of Brits think Americans are insane, over the top, sentimental, pushy and demanding. I think they're people and although sometimes they do seem to me too much 'in touch with their feelings' I know I have to blend blend blend. Brits tend to keep their emotions for their nearest and dearest and that's the way (a ha a ha) I like it.
In Britain a 9 story building is tall! 605 feet seems very tall.
I've never called it a car port. I call it a ga-rarge. I notice (perhaps it's just on the net) that Americans seem to be failed by their school spelling lessons. And I don't just mean in terms of spelling differences, there seems to be an awful lot of people who can't tell there from their from they're But I guess there are in Britain too.
Does that sound aggressive? It's not meant to. Let's leave cultural and racial differences there! Two countries divided by a common language!
What sort of sculpture do you do? Do you have a real name? I'm a photographer and graphic designer by the way.
Phil

I didn't go to public school. So there. I went to free state school.
Getting into semantic fights over pronunciation is pointless. A lot of Brits think Americans are insane, over the top, sentimental, pushy and demanding. I think they're people and although sometimes they do seem to me too much 'in touch with their feelings' I know I have to blend blend blend. Brits tend to keep their emotions for their nearest and dearest and that's the way (a ha a ha) I like it.
In Britain a 9 story building is tall! 605 feet seems very tall.
I've never called it a car port. I call it a ga-rarge. I notice (perhaps it's just on the net) that Americans seem to be failed by their school spelling lessons. And I don't just mean in terms of spelling differences, there seems to be an awful lot of people who can't tell there from their from they're But I guess there are in Britain too.
Does that sound aggressive? It's not meant to. Let's leave cultural and racial differences there! Two countries divided by a common language!
What sort of sculpture do you do? Do you have a real name? I'm a photographer and graphic designer by the way.
Phil

I didn't go to public school. So there. I went to free state school.
Getting into semantic fights over pronunciation is pointless. A lot of Brits think Americans are insane, over the top, sentimental, pushy and demanding. I think they're people and although sometimes they do seem to me too much 'in touch with their feelings' I know I have to blend blend blend. Brits tend to keep their emotions for their nearest and dearest and that's the way (a ha a ha) I like it.
In Britain a 9 story building is tall! 605 feet seems very tall.
I've never called it a car port. I call it a ga-rarge. I notice (perhaps it's just on the net) that Americans seem to be failed by their school spelling lessons. And I don't just mean in terms of spelling differences, there seems to be an awful lot of people who can't tell there from their from they're But I guess there are in Britain too.
Does that sound aggressive? It's not meant to. Let's leave cultural and racial differences there! Two countries divided by a common language!
What sort of sculpture do you do? Do you have a real name? I'm a photographer and graphic designer by the way.
Phil

Yes, let us indeed leave such things aside. I just read a very long thread called "what's wrong with Americans?" I went into it very optimistic, thinking the smarties on h2g2 would handle such a topic in a mature and astute manner. But the entire thing turned out to be pure crap. I think cultural differences are fun and should be exhalted rather than argued over. But everone should learn how to spell.
I sculpt marble: big monumental, megalomaniacal statues.
My real name is Lautaro Gabriel Gonda de Bennett y Van Bronkhorst, but less than half of that is on any piece of ID.
Are you married yet? Are you in this country yet?

Dear Lautaro Gabriel Gonda de Bennett y Van Bronkhorst,
What a fabulous name! I am Philip Julian Trelevan Rose and I thought that was good!
I'll have a look at your crappy American thread!
No, I am still trapped on this stupid, waterlogged, lopsided island. I'm in Dundee at the moment. If you ever get the chance to visit Dundee, don't bother. It's a hell hole. I am going to move to the land of opportunity (to make $3,000,000,000 simply by smoking) on the 23rd June (assuming I pass my visa application interview on the 15th (have to say that, superstitious, if I take it for granted I'll not get it!)) and then I shall sleep for a week and then we shall be wed on 18th August.
I like the idea of monumental marble sculptures. Are there any pics on the web I could see?
All the best,
Phil

What I like about my name is that each part of it has a different ethnic origin.
I can definitely sympathize with having to slog through the burocracy of immigration. Once you're married it should be easier right. But then to get a green card you have to prove it wasn't just a marriage of convenience.
Just out of curiosity, how did you end up with an American for a future wife?

All this hassle is to get a green card. I get one by promising to marry an American. I have to prove now that it's real (I'll take records of the 1,817 emails ao far and some itemised phone bills!
I went to Burning Man festival ([URL removed by moderator]) in the Nevada desert and met here there. Yummy!
Oops, Simpsons is back on!

Good luck with that. I know the US govenment is picky about letting people in. Watching the Simpsons should be a point in your favor though...
I don't know what the burning man festival and the moderators don't want me to know, care to enlighten me?

Try this. Put in the three W's followed by the name of the festival as one word (burningman) followed by the ubiquitous dot and the first half of the shortened and abusive form of the term for a communist and you should find yourself there! I'll write more tomorrow when I've more time

I really don't want to hear that the Americans don't like lettting people in. I know it's true but my entire life will unravel on Friday afternoon if they don't give me a visa. I have quit my job, given up my flat, bought a one way ticket to Seattle. If they don't give me a visa...what then?
They've already accepted me though, in America so as long as I don't prove HIV+ and I don't have any traces of marijuana in my blood stream I should be ok. If my paperwork is in order. I have to go to London for my interview. I'll let you know how it goes.

Sorry about that pessimistic note. I didn't mean it that way. I'm sure you'll get in. It sounds like you've jumped through all the right hoops. Where does the interview take place? at the embassy?
I had a look at the burning man site. It seems the ideal place to meet one's bride.
Let me prepare you for America by asking you lots of personal questions. How old are you? What is/was/will be your job?

I am 33 years ancient. I am a lecturer in film and TV, photography, graphic design and film analysis. I don't want to teach at all when I get to the US. I want to be a designer and wit.
Next question!

Next question: when do we use lecturer and when do we use lector? How does one get a job as a professional wit?
If you taught, you would get paid extra for your accent.

I heard that about my accent. To what extent are you serious? Surely not. I don't want to teach any more. It is soul destroying as all students think everything is 'c*ap' (how much swearing can one get away with on this site?) and 'boring'. I am demoralised. How MUCH more would I get!
We use lecturer when we teach something and lector (or rather Lector) when we get in the Chianti and the fava beans and whip up a small dinner for one!
As for becoming a wit, I don't really know the process of recruitment. Failing wit I wouldn't object to being an aesthete or fey poppet. Anything along those lines.
Phil

effete ponce? precious puppy?
I am somewhat serious. The British accent (any British accent, I know there's more than one) in the States is associated with an educated and sophisticated demeanor. How much more you earn would depend on how skillfully you used this association to your advantage. I almost became an English Lector, or rather, Lettore, in Italy. Perhaps it is better that I did not.

An effete ponce would suit me fine sir! And surely, all puppies are precious (sniffle).
As to my delightful accent (which is in fact home counties which means 'the voice of the BBC' and should be lapped up by all and sundry. I hope. My delightful fiancee Andrea (And-ray-ah) has suggested I try for some public speaking jobs, maybe in radio as a DJ or MC of some kind. I wonder if she means rap? MC Rappin' posh English blerk.
What do you think?
Phil