'The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy decrees that, once every year, the stars of the silver screen gather in Hollywood while h2g2 rewards them for their work over the last twelve months. So this year Demon Drawer Productions, in association with The H2G2 Film Society, are proud to welcome you to the Irish Theatre for this, the Fourth Annual H2G2 Academy Awards. Now here is your host, the one, the only Demon Drawer.'

*DD appears wearing a Macintosh Kilt topped off with Glengarry. His kilt pin has a shamrock on it to highlight his Irish ancestry and he wears a daffodil in his lapel to indicate that it is St David's day this week. Someone from the audience shouts what about the English. DD turn his back to the audience and lifts his kilt to reveal the cross of St George on his boxer shorts.*

Waits for the laughter to die down.

'Thank you to the voice of Peter Jones for that kind introduction. The Sun goes down on the Shire, and Hobbits gather around their TV sets. This year's h2g2 Academy Awards are being broadcast for the first time to Middle Earth but we understand that some of the jokes may be Lost in Translation. Orcs are apparently on the rampage and
former President Clinton had better watch out as they have instructions to Kill Bill. But the former President has left his Senator wife behind and taken to the high seas in a hope of escape. Hail to the Chief strikes up as he is once more Master and Commander of all that he surveys. However, he lands in Rome hoping that The City of God will help him escape the claws of the black masses - only he is told that cigars count as a means of contraception and he is no longer welcome. So The Return of the King has had to be postponed just a little bit longer. But, without further ado, let us get on with the show.'

Technical Award for the Visual Arts

*purple dragon has opted to appear in a full length dress of dark green silk complemented by a purple and black feather boa.*

'There are two key components of film that assault our senses. The way it sounds and the way it looks. This is the award for Technical Visual Achievement and it celebrates those films that have stunned us with their manipulation of the visual aesthetic in ways that we have not experienced before. The merging of techniques new and old; the invisible integration of computer imagery; and above all the ability to
stick all the images together to make the audience's jaws drop.

'Each of the films nominated have managed to show us new images that have left our eyes reeling from sensory overload for days afterwards. From the fine detail of Finding Nemo, to the expansive scope of the world of the Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King; from the dexterity in style of Kill Bill Volume 1, to the perfectly realised single claustrophobic setting of Master And Commander: The Far Side
Of The World.

This years first Peta goes to the visual spectacle that is Lord of the Rings'

Best Song

*Swiv sweeps in, wearing a glorious blue, floor length gown.*

'Ladies and gentlemen, as Tom Lehrer once said, it has become quite the thing for a film to have its own song. This may be to enhance the mood of a particular moment, to accompany satisfied viewers out of the cinema or simply as a nice little cash tie-in. Whatever the reason, it is almost inevitable that the song in question will become lodged in
the mind of the viewer. So that at inopportune moments they may begin, very badly, to attempt a breakout musical interlude whilst strolling down the street. This year there was another crop of tunes destined to swirl round our brains, key words elusive, tune forgotten;

'and the nominees are...

• Into the West from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King performed by Annie Lennox
• Battle Without Honour and Humanity Kill Bill Vol 1by Tomoyasha Hotei
• Lord Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood in Kill Bill Vol 1 by Santa Esmerelda
• Here with Me Love Actually by Dido
• The Triplets of Belville The Triplets of Belville
• You will be my Ain True Love from Cold Mountain by Alison Krauss and Sting

The Peta goes to Into the West and Annie Lennox'

Technical Award for the Audio Arts

*Dr. E Vibenstein stumbles blinking into the spotlight, inexplicably dressed as a bulldog.*

'Ah. Good evening, my lords, ladies and gedderbong. I cannot express how delighted I am to be invited here this evening to present this award, and I shall attempt to hide my crushing disappointment at the Academy's continued refusal to consider any of my own home videos for the 'Best Adult Movie Involving Watermelons' category.

'Be that as it may, the nominations for Best Technical Impact: Audio are...

• Kill Bill Vol 1
• The Last Samurai
• Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
• Master and Commander

'And the winner is...'

*rips open envelope, inadvertantly ripping up the card inside in the process. Puts card pack together. Rings: Return of the King Lordofthe*

'The award for Audio Arts goes to Lord of the Rings'

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

• Sean Austin Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
• Paul Bettany Master and Commander
• Geoffrey Rush Pirates of the Caribbean
• Andy Serkis Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

And the winner is Paul Bettany.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

*Pimms Lettuce has never previously attended the H2G2 Academy Awards. Unaware of any dress code he steps from the limousine confidently dressed head to toe in black (it goes with anything). The one point of colour is the ruby in his cravat. His long hair is tied back in a ponytail, his beard trimmed to an elegant point. The snug velvet waistcoat worn over the silk shirt is embroidered in a complex interlaced pattern (hard to make out exactly due to the colour scheme). The trousers are unremarkable, the shoes pointed and glossed to a high shine.*

*Smiling without parting his lips, he walks briskly inside, pausing only to give a member of the crowd a small origami dragon. Realising his is fashionably late he gets Sir Ian McKellen to do a little Gandalf magic and he rides the origami Dragon to the stage.*

'Sorry about the entrance. The Nominees for Best supporting Actress are

• Lucy Liu Kill Bill Vol 1
• Emma Mortimer Young Adam
• Miranda Otto Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
• Judy Parfitt Girl with the Pearl Earring
• Emma Thompson Love Actually
• Renee Zellweger Cold Mountain

'And the winner is, oh boy, oh gosh, can I have a body guard please. It's Lucy Liu for Kill Bill Vol
1'

Best Actress in a Leading Role

*Rosemary appears from upstage wearing a vintage ball gown. This square-necked, puff-sleeved symphony of white blue and gold is tastefully set off by a silver bracelet, blue flower hair tie and a pearl necklace. She stands behind the podium awaiting the silence of the audience.*

'The nominations for the 2004 Petas, Best Actress in a Leading Role, are:

• Cate Blanchett: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
  
  Having played a queen of England, playing the role of elf queen and friend of the Hobbits Galadriel held no problems for Cate Blanchett. (I must admit that I would love to have the head-dress she wore in the film.)
• Scarlett Johanson: Girl with the Pearl Earring
  
  Scarlett Johanson's fans might argue that she is a suitable candidate to play Helen of Troy. However in this day and age Helen would be more likely to be the face of a cruise line than to launch a large navy. In Miss Johanson's case she was the face that tempted Vermeer, playing the girl who finds herself alone and vulnerable working as a maid in the
  artist's house.
• Nicole Kidman: Cold Mountain
  
  Nicole Kidman plays the girl who moves to the middle of no-where and briefly finds love with Jude Law, or rather his character. The love is brief because he goes off to fight in the American Civil War. She is left behind to cope with the hardship that war brings, and the problems that come with being a girl who's on her own.
• Helen Mirren: Calendar Girls
  
  Calendar Girls is one of those films where you spend half
  your time trying to remember what film or TV programme you've seen the actress in. With a cast of British Acting Treasures it's hard to choose one nominee but you, the members of H2G2 have chosen Helen Mirren, whose performance as the reluctant WI member turned calendar organiser proves that older actresses can still pull in the crowds.
• Uma Thurman: Kill Bill Vol 1
  
  I must admit that I wouldn't have expected a sword-wielding woman who's out for revenge to scrub up so well for the Golden Globes. She's shown that she's equal to a Quentin Tarentino film and as this is a series we'll be seeing a bit more of her in the future.

And the winner of Best Actress in a Leading Role is:

Helen Mirren'

Best Director

*Asmodai is unable to make the ceremony. However, he sends a hologram of his head to give the following speech:*

'Hi guys, things are a little spooky what with me hovering here in thin air. But I have the honour of separating the Hobbits from the Elves and the Orcs from the men in announcing this year's Best Director. The Nominees are:

• Sofia Coppola Lost in Translation
• Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
• Quentin Tarantino Kill Bill Vol 1
• Peter Weir Master and Commander

And the winner... To sum up the efforts of this director isn't easy, seven years of his life has been spent and the result of that will be hailed for many many years to come. Peter Jackson for Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. The Hobbitmeister himself.'

Best Actor in a Leading Role

*Lucky Star steps on to the stage, acknowledging with a gracious wave of her arm the tumultuous applause that greets her arrival. She is wearing a scarlet satin corset style gown, with a diamond and ruby choker round her neck¹.*

'Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. I was absolutely delighted to be given the opportunity to present this award tonight, especially since all the nominees are so jaw-droppingly, ovary-twistingly gorgeous. If I could, I'd snog them all! But as it is, there can only be one lucky winner. And he
is...



Johnny Depp'

Lifetime Achievement

*DD returns wearing a skin waistcoat over a cotton shirt. He wears loose fitting trousers but the shock is that his feat appear to have grown and sprouted hair.*

'Thank you. Thank you. In the mood of the film world, if you can't beat them join them. We now come to that point in the evening where another luminary is welcomed into the fellowship of the academy. The recipient will be a towering force within the world of cinema. And this year's nominee joins his arch-adversary from his latest films no doubt that will unleash all sorts of demons.

'However, the return of this knight to the silver screen three years ago in a classic part of English Literature has brought life out of the grey. This year's recipient has spent over forty years in business bringing characters to life on stage, screen and radio. A trained Shakespearean actor he has brought King Richard III, Tsar Nicholas II, DH Lawrence even Death and John Perfumo to the silver screen.

'However, his epic portrayal of that friend to Hobbits, believing in their ability to complete the quest is probably what has tipped the votes of the Academy to give him the reward in this year that that trilogy based on Professor Tolkein's books has achieved so many honours. Ladies, Gentlemen and other creatures this years Lifetime Achievement award goes to Sir Ian McKellen.'

Best Film

'Ok before we move on to the final award, may I introduce the woman whose image adorns our beautiful statuette. She used to be the community editor on H2G2 but has since moved on to higher and better things with the BBC.'

*Peta walks in wearing a sleek but subtle long black sequinned dress, the dress catches the theatres lights as she walks forward.*

'It is a pleasure to be here to give the award that is named after me to the winner of this year's best film. The nominees were:

• City of God
• Kill Bill Vol 1
• Master and Commander
• Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

And the winner is... for the hat-trick of wins Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.'

And finally...

*DD emerges from under a white cape*

'Well no doubt Samwise is pouring the ale in the local ale house as we speak, Baggend will never be the same again, never again will we see Mordor in all its cinematic goriness. But, before all the Hobbits have to tucked up in bed with their pipe and brandywine, may I just say thank you to everyone who participated this year. To take part again next year look out for the start of the process in the first edition of the Post in 2005.'

Demon Drawer

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