To the tune of 'White Christmas':

I'm dreaming of my audition

So happy that I've got this chance

When I don my tap shoes

and belt out the blues

They'll see, I was born to dance


I'm dreaming of my audition

Tomorrow will belong to me

What a famous star I could be

Just as long as I dont sing off-key

New year, new show, new dance routines! Boy it feels good to get my jazz shoes back on,
although my legs are still recovering from the exhausting Charleston that the sadist of a
choreographer made us do at the audition. The second routine we had to learn was to 'One', from a
Chorus Line, with lots of high kicks and Fosse-style poses. I was really getting into my
stride (geddit?) with the high kicks, and was perhaps a bit too over-enthusiastic, as my right foot
caught the derriere of the poor gal next to me. She seemed to be able to continue dancing though,
foiling my evil plan!

The part of the audition that I was dreading was the singing. Even though I sang in the choir at
school, cigarettes and booze (and age...) have taken their toll, and my alto voice has become huskier
and growlier over the years. I was tempted to use this to my advantage and sing 'Blues in the Night'
as my song, but at the last minute decided instead on 'Love Changes Everything' from Aspects of
Love. It's a smallish range, not too fast and no tricky high notes. The musical director (who
bore an uncanny and not-terribly-comforting resemblance to Simon Cowell) had a groovy electric
piano which could change key at the push of a button. We had to push quite a few buttons before
we found a suitable key, mind you. The sight-reading/ harmonising test was good, though - it was
'Hail Poetry' from Pirates, which I'd sung eons ago at school. Ah, memories of lumpy mashed
potato and cold gravy. Or was it the other way around?

So did I get the part? Well it's a huge show, so there are parts for everyone, it's just a case of
the director choosing who's in what bits. I did have hopes of doing 'Mein Herr' from
Cabaret, but instead I'm being considered for 'Everybody's Girl', a very risqué
"personality" number with some near the knuckle lyrics such as:



'I could never be a farmhand's girl - I can't keep my calves together!'



or



'I like my men like pianos - when they're upright, they're grand!'



and the choreography consists of doing some very suggestive things with the standing mike. I don't
know whether to be flattered or insulted that this is apparently the song for me! It comes from a
musical called Steel Pier, about the dance marathons in the thirties. It was, sadly, a huge
flop. But who knows, after my stirring (hmmmm...) performance it might make a revival!

Murder on the Dance Floor
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29.01.04 Front Page

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