h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Strategy for dealing with queues in multi terminal queue simulations.

It has been discovered that one of the most irritating points of standing in a multi queueing evironment is that the queuee (or person queueing - how do you stop spelling queue?) always picks the slowest moving queue. This adds further complexities to the frustration of queueing, and can be resolved by always picking the part of the multi queue that is inbetween two parts of the overall multiqueue (i.e the queue in the middle).

In so doing, you remove by a factor on one the possiblity that you will have selected the slowest moving queue, by adding to the probability of selecting a faster moving queue by a factor of one (no relation to the first factor of one other than being spelt the same way).

This study is similar in outcome to the one recently undertaken by scientists in the UK - thanks to the help of a large lottery grant - to determine the optimum time involved in dunking.

NB : 'dunking' is the process by which a person with a cup of tea (another grand british convention which will come under further study at a later date) and a biscuit decides to make the experience more satisfying by dipping one end of the biscuit in the tea until the biscuit goes soggy, or until the end drops of and floats menacingly on the top of the cup of tea. Why this should add pleasure to the event 'cup of tea anna biscuit' remains a mystery.

The scientists - see above - determined that the optimum time spent dunking should be 'about 4 seconds'. This researcher believes that some people simply have to much time on their hands - which is no bad thing.

Your item reminds me of a piece I once read on the laws of Post Office queues - back in the days before they were replaced by a single queue and cashier lights.

1) Which ever queue you choose will be the slowest-moving queue.
2) If you change to another queue the new queue will become the slowest-moving queue.
3) If you change again, the whole system will get confused and grind to a halt.

Queuing in Post Offices was the bane of my life before the introduction of the single queue. I'd always get stuck behind a little old lady who was paying off a Third World dept in pennies. Often all I wanted was a stamp. Once she'd finished I would get to the counter and complete my own transaction before she had put her purse away. At which point she would look at me and say 'If I'd known that was all you wanted, I'd have let you go in front of me.' It's a good thing I'm a fairly even-tempered dragon.

ahhh, if only all old ladies in queues could be telepathic, i'm sure queues would function more efficiently. come to think of it, if only batchelors in supermarkets who are buying the evening meal could be telepathic, again queues would work more efficiently. Then again, if only single white females buying some 'natural yoghurt' in supermarkets were telepathic...., or older single men buying a can of beer for the night....., or children, yes children, buying a single sweetie.....,

All things considered, if it weren't for people, queues would be super efficient all round.

In post offices, does it not now seem that the roles are reversed? instead of many people lining up to see one post officer at a single focal point, now it seems that the post officers line up to serve one single focus point of people.

Is this because of Quantum?

If a single butterfly, flapping its wings in africa, can cause a typhoon in north america, what can a whole host of people, shuffling their feet in a queue cause?

thats easy, an Earth quake, preferably in California. Its nice to see that another individual studies the effects of the quantum weather butterfly.

From the sounds of those scientists, they're likely the same ones that lynched that poor fellow who invented the Infinite Improbability Generator....

Fruitbat

Thats a new one, the scientists are over reacting. Its usually the general public

Giving an improbability factor of what?

Perhaps you'd also be interested in studying the Quantum Elephants Trunk effect as well then, we're talking massive re-design on a galactic scale here.

Ah, now that depends on how much they, the general public, think they know about whatever it is they are over reacting to.

Headbanging.

I thought that the definition of 'The General Public' was a body of people running around over-reacting to everything? Is this not so? Or are you being quantum again?

Probably quantum.

Anyhow, a body of people running around over-reacting to everything is the definition of Greenpeace members

not forgetting......Politicians

NO NO NO, they wait for people to over react and then lie to them to make them calm down again, while making an opposing group of people over react in return to the measures allegedly introduced to calm the first group. This is how they maintain power, a wonderfully cyclic system which is reset every 5 years by the general election

Queueing is one of those horrid things in life that we just can't do without. If it were not for queues everywhere what would all those old dears do when they retire. I am one of those poor unfortunates that is on the recieving end of these queues dealing with people pointless enquires and it strikes me that a queue is like bacteria, it can breed very quickly and with very little encouragement but is an absolute sod to get rid of. Once rid of the blasted thing they soon return, and in greater numbers that are even harder to shift. Even a closed sign doesn't seem to deter these people who will still stand there looking in moronically and then knock/cough to try and get your attention. The only conclusion I can draw is they must really enjoy queueing...if anyone out there does enjoy queuing let me know why...

.....at which point Ralph Richardson's line from Dr. Zhivago comes into play "Will somebody please tell me which gang of hooligans constitutes the government this week?"
That's a marvellous definition, by the way - you should make it the basis for a Guide entry.
I simply marvel that, for all the studies, phone-in shows and self-awareness out there our collective behaviour really doesn't change much, does it?

Fruitbat

You realy think that it could be a Guide entry? Well I may give it a go, has to be padded out a bit though.

Yes, although I'd suggest adding a lot of extraneous nonsense about what motivates people to choose the losers of the last election instead of some sensible, obscure party that's got no hope of winning anything at all....
People have the nasty habit of going with the familiar instead of the unfamiliar, hence the reason behind the above.

If you've seen some of the other Guide entries, the kind that have three or four sentences with huge spaces between them, I think you'll draw inspiration and courage for the hasty conviction of your own entry.
I'll stay tuned to see what you come up with.

Yours, incitin' riot,

Fruitbat