A Conversation for Friends and Friendship

neglecting as a tool...

Post 1


I feel, I'm in an extremely difficult position; wanting and trying to remain the best female friend who has cancer since 2004.

We all know that being seriously ill enlarges the bitchy aspects in all of our own behavior.
But I can’t bear it much longer.

in my opinion, the only real mature options are; tuning in at her emotions behind her behavior en neglecting her sometimes as a tool within our friendship.
Neglecting isn’t always negative.
Even not, when one neglects more that just behavior.

neglecting as a tool...

Post 2

Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor

I'm sorry your friend is suffering but when you say << I can't bear it much longer.>> then you are both suffering. Do you remind her of the cancer, because you know her so intimately? This is maybe why she is "cruel" it is often said, we hurt those nearest and dearest to us, because we feel secure that they won't leave.

I feel your friend is testing you, or maybe trying to drive you away so she doesn't have to watch YOU suffer, while watching her demise (does that make sense?)

Also, it could be that she just wants to be treated "normally" - chat about the weather, new clothes, THE FUTURE, which probably (everyone, not just you) has stopped talking about.

Remember she is still the same person deep down, and this "cancer" is an interloper, who is like a third person in the marriage.

Next time you see her, or talk to her on the phone, don't even mention the word "cancer" if she tries to talk about it then steer the subject away, tell her about your day and say something to make her laugh. Then later you can tell her that the cancer has not affected your friendship with her, but her behaviour hurts you. Ask her why she treats you like this, and is she trying to drive you away?

There are other questions I have but they can wait for another day.

smiley - hug

neglecting as a tool...

Post 3


Well her mood changes sometimes rapidly and that means different tolerance, so to speak.

Your remarks show your wisdom.

I might recognize certain hints and others not.

It's extremely important and difficult, cause I don't have the strenght for "tolerance"
I'd like to remain freinds until the (far?) end. they are building a nice appartement in the huge barn, mainly for me. This situation shows her need for me and it has nice aspects for myself, including an atelier, etc.


I do not accept "the sensitive child in me" to be damaged and hurt,
alltough I realize - and she knows - I am a very sensitive person.
Thats why I can paint, write, etc.


So it's a borderline situation.

We were once lovers - 1994-1996 and after that good friends and we are for eachother very important.

neglecting as a tool...

Post 4


I have cancer and am very possitive about it even though from day one i have been told that there is no cure for my particular illness.I suspected when i started to read your comments that you are or were lovers,i personally cant understand why you could possibly still be friends,at least one of you probably would like to be more than freinds still ?I get very crabbit at times with my wife,and sometimes i wonder why she puts up with it,then i remember it is because she loves me.I dont sit and feel sorry for myself,and wonder why this isn't happening to murderers and rapists instead of me,i just get on with things.You do get very fed up looking at the same four walls at times,and your loved ones just seem to be in the firing line.It doesn't bother me people using the word cancer,in fact it probably bothers me if they hedge round about it.I have had a very mixed reaction about this,people who didn't particularly speak to me before chat away including about my illness like a budgie,and others that used to talk away are now frightened even sometimes to be in my company.smiley - cheerup

neglecting as a tool...

Post 5


Yes, I agree it's a two way street and in that journee it is sometimes helpful to question one's behaviour "if my own thoughts about it are right".

We have been lovers in the ninetees and became friends after that.
I'm convinced that her behaviour for me is negative and that it is a variety of reasons why she acts as she does.

I cannot cope with it anylonger.

So, - in a mature way - I told her, I am going to buy a caravan at a camping, half a mile from her home. She is still working at the beautiful and large apartement that is being built in her huge barn.

However,when I do have the option to just leave the house and be on my own in and around my own caravan, I'll be more capable to bear the ongoing situation, but DONT tell Murphy !

Having my own caravan will also create a different formula, because in some way I am also a "neighbour", while I'll alsosometimes be in the appartement that's being finished in her barn.
More people than just me are going to use that appartement, so my caravan will not make me dependent of visitors.

In the main barn I'll keep my paintingstudio. That's something else.

I have to say; I do not feel that strong bond with the nature there any longer, but I think/expect it will come back when I have a second "start".

And "neglecting" will always remain usefull in this case. It's the motive behind it, that creates a crucial difference from all other kinds of neglecting.

Keep going strong, you !
I really respect your way of coping with it.

Greetings from Amsterdam

neglecting as a tool...

Post 6

Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor

smiley - hug

smiley - goodluckwith everythingsmiley - cheerup

neglecting as a tool...

Post 7


Thank you Alfredo and Galaxy Babe,it's people like you that gives me strength,God Bless.

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