h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I visited last week, after 36 years, a house in a town called Dordrecht. I once lived there for a few months with my dog in the attic of a small, abandoned house in the centre of that beautiful town.

Well, after arriving by train, I walked straight to downtown and yes, it was still standing there, just as abandoned as I once found it (and was later on thrown out by police for no reason).

Here I was, in 2007, standing and watching it all for minutes without end and I was straight back into 36 years ago.

Finally I started to walk around in the historic town and I was surprised by the sheer beauty of it all and I had a drink at an outdoor café. The weather was warm and the streets quiet, at the end of the Saturday afternoon.


When the evening started to arrive I decided to see the old house for the last time and when I entered that narrow street and looked up, I suddenly saw in my mind that young boy, Alfredo, behind the window in the attic and I heard myself now saying;” I’m glad that you have not forgotten me”, while I did not fully understand the content of these words.


Now, after a week, I start to realize why I wrote all these stories about my past and attended many locations and finally now visited Dordrecht.
Because, at this very moment, while I try to write words like; “it’s getting time for leaving my goodbye stories”, I suddenly clearly feel the fear of the boy-Alfredo, who does not want to be left behind, alone in the attic of that abandoned house. It rapidly takes my throat.

I suddenly get it, for I hear myself saying, straight from my heart; “I have come to fetch you, Alfredo-boy , because I don’t want to go on alone anymore. I’ve come to take you with me, so we both can enter the future, saying goodbye to our troubled past. We together are Alfredo


No, Alfredo, I will not leave you there, in the attic, behind that window. There’s already far too much wasted time in our lives.”


I cannot know what it will bring, this reunion, but that’s no reason for leaving me and it may seem to be very sentimental, but according to my experience right now, it all feels very tricky.


Alfredo 2007.
*.(Neighbors in that street told me, the house will be finally broken down in June this year ,2007, after 41 years of abandoning)

Downloaded "Gimme Shelter" by The Stones at Bit torrent.

******* great song !

And if I had thought of it while rewriting this story, it would have been the title of it; "Gimme Shelter".

I found out, that the painter Vincent van Gogh lived for a while in the same street as I did in '72 and that it also has been "painted" (different craft then painting).

Quote;
"January 1877 - May 1877. Dordrecht, 256 Voorstraat opposite Scheffersplein (square) where he assisted in a book store. He lived at Tolbrugstraat Waterzijde 24, in Grocer Rijken's boarding house."



http://www.denarend.com/works/2dimensional/graphic_art/vangogh_house.htm

Appearently I did not come to say "goodbye", but to fetch Alfredo boy who was still there, left behind.

Of course I did not see a person behind the window. I did feel in the glittering at the attic window a boy staring out the window into the world, all alone.

And while I was writing at home about it, suddenly it all came together; "I did not come to say goodbye, but to fetch you, to pick you up".

My journey appears to reach the finished, or has already finished.







When I lived my wild teenagers years, after I had left the house of my family,I somewhere felt, that the emotional Alfredo and the rational Alfredo could only meet and live together in a free fall downwards as I had experienced in these years.(around 1970)

As a young child (5) I did split myself in two persons to survive.
I'll call it the emotional Alfredo and the rational Alfredo, although
it doesn't completely fit reality.

So after having lived separated from myself after so many years, my wild years did feel like paradise, because of the reunion, despite the free fall below.

After these few years, I did have to split myself again, as I did as a child, otherwise I'd be dead in a few years.

The first price I had to pay for that survival strategy was ending my love affair with a girl I really loved.

After one year I got married with someone else and lived a total different life.



Now I realize why I now have been visiting several places from the past,like searching and meeting in Rotterdam that prior love after 35 years.

I also visited Rotterdam in the end of 2006 and Dordrecht in the spring of 2007. (Just one year after Dordrecht I got married.)

"Home, alongside the river Rhine". F134334?thread=3676938


I start now (2007) to realize, that I was traveling back in time to fetch all that I had to leave behind to be able to survive these years.
My love for that girl was my first price around 1972 I had to pay and I found her and we became friends again around 2002.

- "Searching and meeting a prior love after thirty years".

F134334?thread=305234


Leaving the (emotional) boy Alfredo in the attic in Dordrecht was the main price I did pay and I apparently did come to fetch the boy Alfredo to travel on, together, as much as possible.

Yes, I'd come to take with me whom I had to leave behind.


There is also a second reason, why I revisited and wrote these stories.
Finally my years of childhood and as a teenager have become connected with the years of being a husband and father. My daughters did read it all and the connection has been created.

For me, that's very important and being "silent" about it was álso a price I had to pay all these years.


Connection with the children and connection with friends and connection with myself.

Re-uniting what should have been united.

Quote;
"And while I was writing at home about it, suddenly it all came together; "I did not come to say goodbye, but to fetch you, to pick you up".


That's indeed the magical moment.

Today I got an invitation to join a "stories-parade" through the town Dordrecht, I had just visited after 36 years and had written a story about it = first posting at the top.


Rewritten; "visiting one of my hometowns after 36 years"
F134334?thread=4170360


But I made a very important promise to myself not to visit this town again this year. It is far too sensitive. My mind warns my emotions.
I really should know better this time compared to what I did during my research about my ancestors.("Searching for the violinist")
F134334?thread=354409

I stick to that promise, because it is in my self interest and a promise is a promise. I want to be able to trust myself.

Sadness had become my closest friend.

Farewell, my friend !

Quote Alfredo;
" cannot know what it will bring, this reunion, but that’s no reason for leaving me and it may seem to be very sentimental, but according to my experience right now, it all feels very tricky."


That's the reason I re-edited the story (sept. 30 2007) where ever I could.

Today, Saturday April 19 , 2008 I did read a posting at a forum about this story of mine because the woman who wrote it, said, she visited the "house" in 2007 after reading my story and now, in 2008, she crossed the street to see if it was still there, around the corner.
"It is all gone and there's a new concrete floor for a new building".

The day that she discovered this, is the same day that I discovered her posting.

“Now, there’s already a concrete floor for a new building”, she wrote.

“It’s a great relieve, that it’s all, all gone.” Alfredo responds.

April 19 2008.

The text below is an artistic version of the story "Visiting one of my hometowns after 36 years (Dordrecht, Netherlands). A few months later after my writing I gave it a new title;"Gimme Shelter".

It is now august 2008 and these days a Dutch popgroup records a song called "Black bird" and they told me that it is inspired by my story "Gimme Shelter"(Dordrecht). I once talked with them and they did read my story. Every initiative came from them, except of course my own written story.

The artistic version is made by a member of the music group, to use it for their new album. The album will be released in sept 2008. Next month.


The story will be told without music, but interrupted by music. That's completely their very own wish.


Quote;

Black Bird,

a short story inspired by "Gimme Shelter" (alfredo)
By Mark Courage

Part 1.

Only few parts of the walls were covered with different kinds of wallpaper. A long time had already gone by, before the boy took this room on the attic, his hiding place. Emptiness had driven him to seek comfort in painting words on the flaking walls: "Wherever your treasure is, there will be your heart".

This message he had given himself, to forget his loneliness, to neglect his homesickness, to deny his precious but misfortunate past.
Outside, on a small branch, a black bird spoke and sang of true beauty, waking the boy every morning with its songs and sermons.
While months went by, the boy obsessively attempted to seek forgiveness for his destructive tendency.



The room functioned as a cocoon, giving the boy just enough air and sunlight to breathe, to grow into a person... a man…


music - intermezzo by Dutch popgroup



In his flight, the man threw off the cocoon’s shell, leaving behind the bird and the boy, in search for his treasure. He wandered around restlessly, living his life between sunset and sunrise.

As his body desired more and more of the filthy substances he poured down his veins, his mind became a sewer, filled with mud, dirt and rats, crawling and littering around in his head.

The small black bird took care of the naked boy, who was lying on the floor, gasping for breath. He could only move his eyes and the bird fed him, like a mother bird feeding her youngsters, keeping his soul alive.
(21Eor song)

2.
One night, years after the cocoon had burst, the black bird flew restlessly through the attic. The boy opened his eyes and experienced an unusual sensation inside.

The bird’s panic frightened him, but at the same time he felt a comforting shiver down his spine.

He discovered he could move again, and gently he got up.
Slowly he floated to the window, and there, outside, the man broke down on his knees, crying.
When the boy opened the window, the man looked up, and their eyes met. “I’m Glad you’ve not forgotten me” the boy said, and he jumped out of the window.

As the rain started to fall heavily, the man left the house, the street, the town, with a black bird on his shoulder, and the boy, his treasure in his arms."

End Quote and song.