h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Unless overly confident about ones masculinity or, ahem, manhood, it is a peculiar unspoken rule that in the gents, you can only approach a free urinal if it unoccupied on both sides. Of course, you can easily ignore this advice, but be prepared to be greeted by increased nervous coughing from left and right as you stare fiercly at the tile work before your eyes.

I understand from my husband (and male friends and colleagues confirm this) that in any non-social situation (e.g. dentist's waiting room) men will try to get as far away from other men as possible. Urinal etiquette seems to be an extreme example of this, rationalised by 'I don't want them staring at my willy or thinking that I am staring at theirs'. To women this is largely incomprehensible. But then, we don't have any hang ups about the size of our genitals, we just get annoyed if our menfolk stare at women with bigger boobs than we've got.

I've given up using urinals (you can get your trousers damp far too easily). I always use a cubicle now and do everything 'sitting down'. It's much less hassle, more restful, and no one can see.

Hooray! Good for you Maybe one day we'll get rid of these dreadful things.

A curious piece of urinal etiquette I have come across is the desire, when in a familiar place (work or pub for example), to always use the same urinal, urinal position or cubicle. I am not the only one - if you are thinking this is so - it is a practice common amongst aquaintances too. My theory is that this offers some sort of security in what can be the daunting task of visiting public conveniances - but I could be wrong.

I tend towards the same cubicle where there's a choice - and get cross if someone else is using "my" cubicle - silly really.

Don't worry, some women do it too! (Cubicles, that is.)

I once saw a program where the showed some old Victorian urinals. Each had various insects and animals (I think) with points next to them. The more awkward the creature was to hit, the higher the points. I can't remember where these were, though, but it would make spending a penny more interesting. Pity you can't do something like that for women!

The need for any kind of etiquette at all could be aleviated by simply having cubicles like the civilised half of our species. Do the deisigners of public toilets actually think we want a small pungently smelling room with an open trough at one side, small yellow blocks of plastic substance swimming in warm steaming pools of yellow liquid substance, lapping gently over our footware?
Maybe they do maybe I'm just a puff, thenagain I don't like standing in such places exposing myself to others of the same sex so probably not!

Sorry...
I've just seen your message.
Exactly WHAT dreadful things were you referring to ?
(viz, bogs [a UK term]) or male genitalia ?

Apparently "cubicle" is a term used to describe an enclosed area for relieving one's self. It also happens to be the term for a lower-echelon employee's work area in a corporate office. Yet the irony seems lost on me.

A story appeared in New Scientist a while back commented on the common appearance of little pictures of flies (the animal kind) on men's urinals... apparently a tradition stemming from Victorian times.

In the next issue, I believe, the mystery was solved: they're not flies, they're bees, and the Latin (I think it was Latin) for bee is Apis...

Nice to know the Victorians had a sense of humor.

I always suspected that those New Scientist reseachers were not really spending all that time near the urinals doing their studies. It turns out they were all just examining, discussing, and taking Apis.

Apis of history at that.

Oh, for a large grant and a case of ale.

I'd settle for the ale.

I find humour goes a long way in public urinals. Simple phrases like "Gee that's cold" wait a moment "and deep"

...and the pipes seem to be rusting. Those tree roots tickle.

Personally, having been tortured by corporate Uh-merica and enslaved in many-a cubicles, the irony of such is far from lost. Where else to put pee-ons but in cubicles?

Walk in glaring and pretend you are extremely angry - Ok you guys, how come I always get the shallow end

Instead of going to the usual cubical at my local bar, I went to the one next door and to my horror discovered that it was far larger and therefore much easier to move around in. I mean, you could dance around in it if you wished. In fact I may have done so as there's also a full length mirror in there too. Oh the perks of a private loo eh?

It is a weelknown fact among cleaning assistants that you can save 50-70 % on cleaning urinals, if you place a flourescent plastic model of Ed Harris in the urinal. The unbeatable male competion gene moves in and actually makes it possible for even the least trained members of the male sex to hit the urinal. It has been tested in Schippol Airport with great succes althuogh some, now unemployed, cleaning assistants fiercely denies this fact.

Why Ed Harris? (I assume you are referring to the actor?) Why not Sean Connery, if you want some one in the older bracket, Tom Cruise (30 - 40 somethings) or Leonardo DiCaprio (teenagers)?