h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Even better than having your own cubicle, why not have your own urinal? Do away with ghastly public urinals and splash out on an ingenious invention you may have seen gracing the pages of innovation catalogues? Why, yes, I am talking of the "portable, conveinient and hygienic urinal", yours for just £14.95 if I remember correctly. Don't worry ladies, it comes with a "feminine adaptor" aswell....how delightful!

If you realy want to know all you need to know about urinals, go to this web page.
http://prime-mover.cc.waikato.ac.nz/BlokeLeak.html
This is by the same person that wrote the BOFH series.

well, I could see where a urinal might prove a difficult manuever for a person of the female kind.

I'd just like to see a Mostly Splashless Urinal...

I wash my hands of external help!!

The washing didn't help... you touched your mouse button on the way out...

Then, of course, there's that viscious cycle: now wash your hands....OK.....now wash your hands.....OK.....now wash yours hands...
Just keep your head down and run before the guilt sets in.

As this forum seems to be quite busy, I was wondering if any of you would contribute to my page attempting to catalogue some of the finest practical jokes. If you know any good ones, why not go to my user page at http://www.h2g2.com/P137738

Has anyone ever seen ANYONE put money into a public condom machine?

No is the short answer. However, I have seen people trying to break into them! Also, there are breath freshener dispensers and mini-toothbrush dispensers which must be even less used. I've not even seen anyone try to break into those.

I really dislike it when I get those machines confused. Those bristles quite itchy.

So NeverBob, you are the person using those machines. Do you travel around the country using all the machines (a bit like Father Christmas on Christmas Eve) or are there others? Tell us do you use them under the cover of the night when no-one is looking? Perhaps you own a pub and can use the machine after closing time? Or, most unlikely, do people see you using the machines?
Have you ever got mistaken and cleaned your teeth with a condom?
It could be worse I have seen minature razors for sale!

Aha - the Old "standing at least one urinal away" part of etiquette - Women don't have this problem - they get stalls, and are generally good enough at urinating that they are unlikely to get the shoes of the person next to them. Ahem. However, I think that they would definitely share the horror of someone using the same stall as them simultaneously.

Condom Machines - I have been known to use them properly, but then, I was asked to be in an ID parade for some guy who had broken into one, and his comment to me was "Next time I ain't gonna wear one".

Actually, like Father Christmas, I delegate all of the responsibility to my elves. Unfortunately, most of the machines do not get tested, as they are placed too high for my employees. There are very few places upon which to climb, and I've already lost six elves this year due to very tragic slip & flush accidents. Two are still recovering from urinal cake poisoning.

Tonight, I took the trouble to read the instructions on a machine in the pub and was amused to learn that one had to "insert money and pull knob out. Return knob to receive product". It all sounds so simple.

And them there is the hours of fun to be had putting disgusting stuff into hot-air hand-dryers.

Load the machine, stand back and enjoy.

Splatt!!!

C'mon, that's hardly etiquette! Its your sort who stick wet bog-roll to the walls no doubt!

Being extremly careful not to cover the graffitti written on a previous visit

"Urinal Graffiti"... now that's a forum, if not a movie, unto itself.

Never Bob the graffiti forum is up and running. See you there