Easter is, of course, the best time to be had in the whole of March or April or even sometimes even May. It consists of three main days. On the Friday, everyone pretends to be sad, and there's nothing but rubbish on the TV. On Saturday, people cheer up a bit and go shopping. And then, on the Sunday, which is the best day of all, everyone gets to eat lots of chocolate eggs.

The eating of chocolate eggs commemorates the events in the bible, when Jesus Christ our Lord was imprisoned inside a huge chocolate egg by the Romans. All the apostles were there, and they waited and prayed near the egg for three days and three nights. And on the third day, they approached the egg and discovered that Jesus was there no longer. At this they cried out and danced and shouted 'He has risen!'.

All except for doubting Thomas, who noticed that a big hole had appeared in the egg, and that the edges of this hole were covered in bite marks. So Thomas approached the others and said ' Here, lads, maybe Jesus just ate his way out, innit?... ¹' And the others fell upon Thomas and chastised him for his doubting, especially St. Peter, otherwise known as Big Pete, who stepped up to Thomas and commanded that he pay penance and do the 'bunny hop'

And so, Thomas Does the Bunny Hop²

Thomas didn't want to do the bunny hop, as it was a ridiculous dance which just made him look foolish. But the other apostles insisted, just as they had done that time when Thomas had shouted out ' Oi! Jesus! You had them loaves and fishes hidden behind a rock the whole time!'. Soon a chant was set up, and they clapped and cheered Thomas, who was forced in the end to do the bunny hop. And there was much laughter and rejoicing as Thomas bunny hopped around the chocolate egg in a big foolish and loping circle.

Which is why, today, we have the Easter bunny. Of course, this means different things to different people. For many of us, the Easter bunny is a buck-toothed maniac with an unnatural obsession for collecting eggs³. For others, the Easter bunny is a symbol of the warmth and promise of springtime. For Hugh Heffner, it probably just means 'The one in the yellow robe, who remembers where I keep the Nandroline'.

Christmas celebrates the beginning of the story of Christ. Easter celebrates the end. Nothing much celebrates the bit inbetween, which is odd as that seems to be the most important bit. It is good, however, to celebrate the end of a story, because its finally all over then, and everyone can go to the pub at last. This is especially the case with the story of Christ, as the ending isn't really very interesting. Which why I am going to change it again⁴.

What would be much better is if there is this big car chase. Christ escapes from the cross, and jumps into a Ford Granada. Then he is pursued through the streets of Jerusalem by Pontius Pilate and a couple of Romans in a transit van. In one bit, Jesus has to take a sharp corner and ends up driving through a big box of oranges. Pilate has a go by leaning out of the window with a machine gun, but he misses when his head is covered by a pair of trousers on a washing line. Jesus drives up a ramp and jumps a camel. Pilate and the Romans try the same manouever, but instead they miss the camel and crash into a big case of loofahs. Now, if that happened, Easter would be brilliant. We'd have the Easter Transit Van and everyone would eat chocolate loofahs.

Dr Funderlik's Regular Grunt Archive

Dr Deckchair Funderlik

17.04.03 Front Page

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